Aldous Pennyfarthing

Merrick Garland left Josh Hawley in a smoldering heap

I never thought to hear such snark from someone as genteel as Merrick Garland. And maybe he wasn't trolling the poster boy of domestic terror and insurrection after all.

But, damn, it sure feels like Garland, whose path to the Supreme Court was derailed by a metric fuck-ton of Republican fucknuttery, was directing some well-deserved artillery fire at Sen. Josh Hawley this fine morning.

landscape-1477057502-obama-mic-drop.gif obama_biden.jpg

Ahhh, that felt pretty good, now didn't it?

Trump's DC hotel nearly triples its rates for his 'second inauguration' on March 4

If you had any doubt that the Trump presidency was just an elaborate four-year grift, this story should dispel your quaint Pollyannish notions.

Because their brains are the functional equivalent of an '80s-era Texas Instruments calculator that has not yet learned how to spell "boobs," the world's daffiest fucks (aka Trump's most ardent MAGAs) still think he's going to serve a second term.

That means—duh!—there will have to be a second Trump inauguration.

And because of something called the "sovereign citizens movement," they think that blessed day is coming on March 4 because … ah, who the fuck cares? Explaining the theory would be like faxing y'all the specs for the perpetual-motion taffy-pulling machine/Easy-Bake Oven I invented last night while snorting crushed Apple Jacks in an Ambien/turpentine fugue.

But if you're really interested, here's a rundown.

Now, even Trump isn't dumb enough to think he'll be inaugurated on March 4, but that isn't stopping him from profiting—again—off his followers' perduring gormlessness.

Business Insider:

QAnon's most dedicated followers still believe that former President Donald Trump, who lost the 2020 presidential election, is yet to be sworn in.

March 4, 2021 is a day they have marked in their diaries, insisting that is the date when Trump will be inaugurated in Washington, DC, and, ultimately, return to power.

Coincidentally, Trump International Hotel in Washington, DC is hiking up the prices of suites around that period. The hotel, just blocks away from the White House, has almost tripled the rates for some rooms on the nights of March 3 and 4, according to Forbes.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

And in case you think this merely reflects the organic rate changes that result when the city is bustling, well, think again. Similar hotels in the same vicinity have kept their rates roughly the same.

Oh, and just before the Capitol coup attempt—when MAGAs alighted on D.C. like flies on a shitty president—the Trump International raised its rates through the roof. According to Forbes, the cheapest room available the night of the insurrection was $8,000.

So there you go. Stoking a dangerous insurrection and playing footsie with dangerous loons can be extremely profitable—assuming you have zero shame, anyway.

'Princess Bride' actor unleashes his inner Dread Pirate Roberts on Sen. Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz and I share exactly two things in common. We both convert oxygen to carbon dioxide and we both love The Princess Bride. I'm not happy about it, and more than once it's forced me to question my life choices. If I share that with Cruz, what else might we have in common? Did my dad help kill JFK, too? I shudder to think.

Normally, a guy like Cruz would spend his waking hours covered in quicklime and the silt from shallow graves, but instead he ended up in the Senate, where he can do far more damage than any workaday serial killer ever could. (For the record, I've never believed Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. He's more subtle than that—like a flea on a bubonic rat's ass or something.)

Anyway, because there's still some justice in the world, The Princess Bride cast has taken note of Cruz's intractable awfulness and wishes he'd just shut up about the comedy classic already.

On Wednesday, Cary Elwes, the actor who played young Westley, got into it with him.


"Rabid contempt." That's a good one. I might also add "searing hatred" and "unbridled animus." Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments.

Cruz responded, as he is wont to do. For some reason, he thinks continually going out in public looking like a drunk homunculus doesn't expose him to nearly enough ridicule.


Uh-oh, Ted. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Hollywood actor when your reputation is on the line!"


Whoops! Of course, I have no idea if Cruz or one of his lackeys really forged his name on that photo. Maybe Elwes simply forgot he wrote it. But seriously, if you'd signed a photo of yourself and addressed it to Ted Fucking Cruz, you'd remember, wouldn't you? I mean, it would be like signing Trump's left moob with a Sharpie. Some things you simply can't delete from your brain, no matter how hard you try.

So there you have it. The one thing Donald Trump was honest about during his woeful reign of error was that Ted Cruz is a fucking liar. And here's more evidence. As if you really needed it.

Inconceivable, no?

'It's cancel culture!' My Pillow guy interview goes off the rails when even Newsmax has enough

Looks like Mike Lindell is at the end of his bedsheet.

Newsmax—which not that long ago would have eagerly touted a conspiracy theory about a race of Jewish-funded reptilian overlords stealing the election from Donald Trump (assuming the network could have somehow dug up a stock photo of George Soros posing with an iguana)—is now apparently scared shitless about potentially being sued by Dominion Election Systems. As well it should be.

Earlier today, the network invited MyPillow guy Mike Lindell on air to talk about cancel culture, but we didn't get to hear much of what he had to say about that because anchor Bob Sellers spent most of the segment loudly reading cover-your-ass disclaimers over Lindell's conspiratorial blather.

After Lindell claimed he had "100 percent proof" that the election was stolen by Dominion election machines, Sellers shut him down … but Lindell just kept talking.

It was HIIII-larious.

Watch:

After Sellers reads a detailed disclaimer noting that Newsmax has been unable to verify any of Lindell's claims about Dominion Voting Systems allegedly stealing the election, Lindell claims Twitter shut him down because he's "revealing all the evidence on Friday of all the election fraud with these machines."


At that point, Sellers begs his producers to "get out of here, please."

And then, because I hadn't laughed quite hard enough yet to literally piss myself, Sellers gets up and FUCKING LEAVES!

I'm thinking now might be a great time to start a new politics podcast, because I can almost guarantee you'd be able to book Mike Lindell. And I doubt there'd be any time limit. You could call it MyPodcast and make him your first guest—and then just sit back and watch the fireworks fizzle!

And as long as you have $1.3 billion burning a hole in your back pocket, well, it should all go swimmingly, now shouldn't it?

West Virginia lawmaker who stormed Capitol with MAGAs resigns

Derrick Evans, the suuuper-genius who filmed himself participating in a violent insurrection, has resigned from the West Virginia House of Delegates.

MetroNews:

"I hereby resign as a member of the House of Delegates, effective immediately," Evans said in a one-page letter submitted to Gov. Jim Justice and the House.

The House released another statement from Evans expressing regret.

"I take full responsibility for my actions, and deeply regret any hurt, pain or embarrassment I may have caused my family, friends, constituents and fellow West Virginians," Evans stated.

"I hope this action I take today can remove any cloud of distraction from the state Legislature, so my colleagues can get to work in earnest building a brighter future for our state. And more importantly, I hope it helps to begin the healing process, so we can all move forward and come together as 'One Nation, Under God.'"

Evans' intrusion into the Capitol was among the dumber crimes ever committed by anyone, much less a duly elected legislator. After breaching the Capitol, Evans, who was livestreaming on Facebook, shouted, "We're in, we're in! Derrick Evans is in the Capitol!"


I've never seen white privilege and stupidity so expertly confected into a colossal, life-altering mistake. (Oh, wait, that's not true. There was that whole "electing Donald Trump president" thing.)

Maybe while he's languishing in prison—if and when that day comes—Evans can get some criming tips from his fellow inmates. I assume tip No. 1 would be "don't scream your own name while committing crimes in federal buildings." No. 2, and very close behind, would be "if you insist on recording your crimes, maybe wait to see how the video turns out before you post it on Facebook."

Evans was arrested yesterday and now faces federal charges related to the uprising.

Trump's recent behavior 'would meet criteria for an involuntary mental health hold': mental health expert

Bandy X. Lee is a forensic psychiatrist, editor of The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump, and president of the World Mental Health Coalition, a group of mental health professionals who have "come together in historically unprecedented ways to offer our consensus view that Donald Trump's mental state presents a clear and present danger to the nation and the world."

In light of Trump's most recent impeachable behavior, Lee is once again sounding the alarm bells about our pr*sident, as she has for much of the past four years.

In light of the latest Trumpian outrage (the sort that we've, sadly, become all too accustomed to), Lee is once again reasserting her professional assessment that Donald John Trump has an overweening fondness for Cocoa Puffs.

You see, this morning The Washington Post released a recording of a call Trump recently made to Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensberger, during which Trump harangued his fellow Republican, begging him to find the 11,780 votes they would need to flip the state to His Loathsomeness.

Raffensberger declined, because there simply are no more Trump votes to be found. They've searched all the rivers, ditches, and back-alley cardboard boxes and … bupkis.

Biden won, and that has melted Trump's wee cotton-candy cortex.

So what would happen if we saw this kind of behavior in a non-president?

Well, this ...


"Please remember that, in every other situation, with any other citizen, he would be deemed a danger to himself, others, and the public and would meet criteria for an involuntary mental health hold." "

As health professionals, we are bound by our ethics codes not to walk away from a medical emergency. In many states, if the authorities fail to contain the dangers, we are required to take steps to protect potential victims."

"How much longer will we pretend that this is not a mental health issue that requires intervention, and rather than a political one that should continue to play out?"

I listened to Trump's call to Raffensberger. It was like Hitler telling his generals to release the half-gorilla, half-human super soldiers he told them to get working on back in the summer of '39. What? They don't exist? Yes, they do. Stop lying, Dr. Mengele. There's no way Gen. Eisenhower has defeated me! He spent half the war drawing battle maps in his basement! FAKE NEWS!

With just 17 days to go until Joe Biden is president, it might be a bit late in the game to slap Trump into a straitjacket and randomly toss morsels of bread and trail mix at his face. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean it's too late. And since he's fraying at an exponential clip, I suppose it could still happen.

We've seen a lot over the past several years. What's one more inconceivable thing to add to the pile?

Ted Cruz doesn't want to 'throw lit matches' into election dispute. Instead, he's pouring gas on it

Not since the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang have I been so freaked out by a creepy, middle-aged man offering candy to a bunch of wee-brained children.

But that's what's happening now, as Ted Cruz leads his coup caucus into a doomed—and entirely performative—fight to appear to attempt to overthrow the election so Donald Trump doesn't get grumpy and tweet mean things about the lesser assholes in his life.

Personally, I thought we'd find 11 people under Cruz's living room floorboards before he'd find 11 senators to join him in a feckless undemocratic putsch, but that just shows the limits of my imagination.

Of course, Republicans have become expert in playing the victim, so that's what Cruz was doing this morning on Sunday Morning Futures With Maria Bartiromo after spending Saturday strategically releasing termites into our house.

Politico:

Sen. Ted Cruz on Sunday condemned those attacking him for his challenge to the certification of the presidential election for "angry language."

Cruz and at least 11 other Republican senators have committed to challenging the certification of the Electoral College results Jan. 6, joining an unknown number of House Republicans. Cruz said he wanted to do an emergency 10-day audit of the results, though he did not explain why he expected that audit would overturn Joe Biden's victory.

Speaking on "Sunday Morning Futures With Maria Bartiromo," Cruz responded to his critics on both sides of the aisle: "I think everyone needs to calm down. I think we need to tone down the rhetoric. This is already a volatile situation. It's like a tinder box and throwing lit matches into it and so I think the kind of hyperbole we're seeing, the kind of angry language."

Oh, yes, God forbid we throw lit matches into a volatile situation—one in which a large percentage of the country disbelieves the certified election results that will make Joseph R. Biden Jr. the 46th president of the United States in a little over two weeks.

Of course, Cruz knows better. They all do, with the possible exception of Louie Gohmert and Tommy Tuberville, whose brains are seven-layer salads missing about 5.75 layers.

Anyway, has Trump really thought this through? Does he actually want to be dictator-for-life? That's a lot of work, and he's as lazy as they get. You know the old saying: "Absolute power requires one to get off the toilet before 11 a.m."

Thank God the coupsters are a bunch of witless clowns this time around. Next time we might not be so lucky.

Trump supporters mad at Walmart over 'sore loser' Twitter comment -- and now #BoycottWalmart is a thing

Is this like conservatives abandoning Twitter for Parler?

Actually, no. Sounds a bit more like people threatening to move to Canada if we pass "socialized" medicine. Because, uh, where the fuck are they gonna go for cheaper shit brought to you by workers who have been more cruelly exploited?

Seems that Walmart's Twitter account responded to Sen. John Hawley's declaration that he will object to the election results on January 6—a feckless gesture directed entirely toward an audience of one man and his tweetin' toilet.

Newsweek:

A call to boycott Walmart gained traction on social media after the retail giant "mistakenly" issued a tweet calling Republican Senator Josh Hawley a "sore loser" on Wednesday.
The angry protest against one of the nation's largest retailers came after a member of Walmart's social media team insulted Hawley after he tweeted his intention to object to the results of the presidential election when Congress meets on January 6 to count the votes of the Electoral College.
"I cannot vote to certify the electoral college results on January 6 without raising the fact that some states, particularly Pennsylvania, failed to follow their own state election laws," Hawley, who is from Missouri, said in a statement posted to Twitter. "And I cannot vote to certify without pointing out the unprecedented effort of mega corporations, including Facebook and Twitter, to interfere in this election, in support of Joe Biden."

Yeah, that's all bullshit, and he knows it. And his little tantrum will do nothing but force his fellow congressfolks to stay late after school, to everyone's eternal irritation and chagrin. But it will keep him viable as a 2024 presidential candidate. So that's what that's all about.

And then came the empty threats:

And even after Walmart issued an apology, the barbarians kept shouting:

Sure, Trump supporters. Boycott Walmart. Like you're going to find Toby Keith-branded underpants for cheaper somehow.

Still, my favorite part about a #Boycott hashtag is when it gets highjacked by our side.

So, yeah, I give this "boycott" about two days, or until Walmart slashes its price on jumbo tubs of Red Vines, whichever comes first.

Until then — MAGA! Unless, of course, Target runs out of TruckNutz. Because you can only go so far with such things. Am I right?

Republicans made their own worst nightmare come true in the most lurid way imaginable

Yeah, so remember the nonsense that proto-Trump nitwit Sarah Palin spewed about "death panels" back when the Affordable Care Act was being debated?

Like most of what she said, it was too crazy to believe. I mean, seriously. Rationing lifesaving care in America? Pfft. Like that would ever happ …

Oh, what fresh hell is this?







Leave it to Republicans to make their own worst, totally fabricated nightmares come true in the most lurid way imaginable.

By the way, here's the bit that's circled in red in the first tweet:

2. If a patient becomes ill and the doctor believes the patient needs extra care in an ICU or needs mechanical ventilation (breathing machine), their case will be reviewed, along with other patient cases, to determine how these resources should be shared throughout the hospital.
3. If a patient becomes extremely sick and very unlikely to survive his/her illness (even with life-saving treatment) — limited medical resources may go to treat other patients who are more likely to survive.
a. If a ventilator or ICU care is not offered or is stopped, the patient has the right to ask their doctor for further detail concerning this decision and will receive everything they need to ensure they are comfortable and free of pain or discomfort.

Okay, that doesn't sound good.

To my dying day (which could be soon if Donald Trump and his Pestilence Patrol have their way), I'll never understand how the same people who nearly shat a lung over Terri Schiavo could be so blasé about the lives of thousands of perfectly healthy people who didn't need extraordinary lifesaving measures until the coronavirus put Trump on retainer as its top PR flack.

But then they live in a rarefied world, don't they? Who am I to question the wisdom of a holier-than-moi conservative?

Rupert Murdoch's New York Post tells Trump to give it up already

The New York Post.

Rupert Murdoch's New York Post.

The "Ohmygerrrrrd, Hunter Biden's Laptop!!!!!" New York Post.

That newspaper is telling Trump to shove a moist woolen sock in his Hamm's-hole, fer cripes' sake.


A choice excerpt:

You had every right to investigate the election. But let's be clear: Those efforts have found nothing. To take just two examples: Your campaign paid $3 million for a recount in two Wisconsin counties, and you lost by 87 more votes. Georgia did two recounts of the state, each time affirming Biden's win. These ballots were counted by hand, which alone debunks the claims of a Venezuelan vote-manipulating Kraken conspiracy.

Sidney Powell is a crazy person. Michael Flynn suggesting martial law is tantamount to treason. It is shameful.

For God's sake, dude. This could not be more embarrassing.

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GIVE. IT. UP. ALREADY.

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