Aldous J. Pennyfarthing

A disturbing number of Republicans actually think Trump will likely be 'reinstated' soon: poll

I'll never understand why anyone listens to Donald Trump on any subject. He wanted to nuke hurricanes. He wanted to put alligator-filled moats along the southern border. He thinks windmills cause cancer, asbestos is swell, and exercise is bad for you. He seriously suggested pumping our bodies full of UV light and disinfectant. He thinks we have planes that are literally invisible, for God's sake!

Nevertheless, millions of Trump fans have bent their brains into pretzels trying to make his doofus proclamations sound presidential—or even marginally nonsimian (see also: hydroxychloroquine).

We've pretty well established that Trump's brain is, at best, masticated circus peanut and, at worst, Lucifer's molten boom-booms, and yet when he dry-heaves utter batshit nonsense, plenty of his fans seem all too ready to lick it up like feral purse poodles.

Case in point: Fully 29% of Republicans think Donald Trump is returning before the year is out—possibly riding in on a cloud or a flaming chariot or (more likely) a golf cart with a cupholder and custom-installed deep fryer.

A new Politico/Morning Consult poll asked survey respondents this straightforward question: "How likely do you think it is that former President Donald Trump will be reinstated as U.S. President this year, if at all?" The question was no doubt included in the poll because Trump himself has been telling insiders that he thinks he'll be back in office by August. (Narrator: He won't.)

The results? (You still have time to bail if you've had your yearly quota of frothing insanity. You're still here? Okay, gird your loins.)

Among Republicans surveyed, 17% think it's "very likely" that Trump will return to the White House this year, 12% think it's "somewhat likely," and 10% don't know or have no opinion. Taken together, this shows that two-fifths of Republicans have not yet accepted that Joe Biden won the presidency.

Of course, that wasn't the only eye-opening result. Asked whether things are going in the right direction in the U.S. or on the wrong track, only 15% of Republicans thought things were going in a positive direction, while 85% said we're veering off course. Guess 85% of Republicans prefer raging pandemics and collapsing economies to Democratic presidents.

Is this what it's like to lick hallucinogenic toads for breakfast in lieu of frosted Pop-Tarts? At some point, do you just surrender to the unreality of your environment?

Over at Civiqs, even more Republicans report they're worried; a stunning 93% of card-carrying GOPers think we're all gonna die.

If you enjoy watching Donald Trump eat the Republican Party from within, like a genetically modified tropical eyeball worm, you'll be happy to know that the Politico/Morning Consult poll found that 80% of Republicans want to stick around so they can see him play either a major (59%) or a minor role (21%) in the party going forward. If you'd prefer he stay in Florida chucking oyster shells at flamingos from his balcony, you'll likely be disappointed by the 13% of Republicans who want him to slink away.

There's also some good news, of course. President Biden's approval rating is at 53% among all registered voters, with 28% of respondents "strongly" approving of the job he's doing, 25% "somewhat" approving, 43% disapproving, and the rest offering no opinion.

Meanwhile, 66% of registered voters want Congress to pass an infrastructure bill—so maybe we should get that done, huh?

There's still some sanity left in the world, so long as you look in the right place. And that right place is clearly nowhere in the vicinity of the right wing. I invite Republicans to hurry on back to planet Earth. The water's fine. At least it is for now—unfortunately, only 12% of Republicans consider passing a bill to address climate change a "top priority."

Go figure.

My Pillow guy Mike Lindell's new 'free speech' website turns out to be a hilarious disaster

I can't stop watching the MyPillow Guy, Mike Lindell, and his "Frank-a-thon" to launch his stupid new Arby's dumpster of a website. The guy has been jabbering for the better part of two days. This morning, I tuned in to see him interviewing someone, but I never got the dude's name because Lindell wouldn't let him get a word in. Lindell won't stop talking. It's a case of logorrhea the likes of which I've never seen before. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's on 100 CCs of Jesus and not overstuffed Hefty bags full of cocaine cut with meth. But, damn, he's a dynamo of disinformation.

While I was watching, Lindell claimed he'd gotten confirmation from Jimmy Kimmel Live! that he will be a guest on the show. Kimmel, who appears to be even more obsessed with Albino Grimace than I am, has previously joked that he'd interview Lindell under two conditions:

"Number one, he has to actually come into our studio—I need to see him in person. I want to smell the knackwurst in his mustache. And number two, I would like to conduct our interview in a bed, surrounded by pillows. Just me and Mike snuggled up side by side in a California king surrounded by sacks of goose feathers."

Judging by Mike's reaction, he almost certainly thinks he's about to break this whole election fraud thing wide open on late-night TV while nuzzling a guy who can't stop making fun of him. Speaking of Lindell's gullibility, the guy who called in to Lindell's show on Monday pretending to be Donald Trump spoke with the Daily Beast, and revealed his diabolical methods.

Actually, he was responsible for multiple prank calls to Lindell's show.

The prankster, Ron Blackman, is apparently an old hand at this. He has a podcast called The Macron Show, and he typically uses "social engineering and caller-ID spoofing" in order to soften up a target and make them more susceptible to skullduggery.

According to Blackman, Frank Speech and Lindell were easy marks.

Blackman prepared for pranking the MyPillow boss for weeks, he said, and the initial plan was to register a bunch of new user names on Frank Speech and use them to mock the pro-Trump pillow salesman during his 48-hour kickoff event, titled "Frank-a-thon." Despite the hotly anticipated launch, the site struggled right off the bat on Monday, with many users unable to log on and set up their profiles.
Not only was Lindell easy to dupe, Blackman said, but the prank calls were made especially easier thanks to the MyPillow CEO's co-host Brannon Howse, a fellow election conspiracist and right-wing talker.
"That dude is dumber than a bag of rocks," Blackman said of Howse. "He's the reason I got to Lindell so easily yesterday."

Blackman says he got Howse's personal cellphone number off his public Facebook page, which made it kind of easy to call in to the show. Blackman first got on-air by pretending to be a Wall Street Journal reporter. "I just told her [the assistant] to give me Mike's number, and she did it without thinking," Blackman told the Daily Beast. "And it proves 100% that he didn't even have a plan for his big live stream. He was totally winging it. Sitting there with his iPhone on his desk praying that someone good would call in to support him."

As for the Trump call, Blackman says he spoofed a number from Mar-a-Lago. "I knew for certain that I'd have about one second to say what I wanted before Lindell panicked and hung up. I used a soundboard of Donald Trump saying 'Hello everyone' to reel him in and then I yelled out my website name, so that at least everyone hearing it would know where to find me, so that we got to hijack all his effort and time and use it to promote a prank call show instead of his website."

And here's Blackman's handiwork:

Kimmel also had some (more) fun at Lindell and Frank's expense Tuesday night.

Meanwhile—and pardon me if this is burying the lede—nothing on Frankspeech.com appears to work at the time of this writing, other than the live feed from the baby monitor we're all using to make sure Lindell doesn't choke to death on a Lego.

Here's what the page looked like as of 10:15 AM PT, on April 21:

ScreenShot2021-04-21at10.14.52AM.png

Considering that Lindell had planned to launch his site on Monday to everyone and to VIPs last Thursday, that can only be seen as unfortunate. (For Lindell, that is. For democracy and comedy, it's a boon.)

Gee, it's almost as if this dude has no relevant experience whatsoever in television production or social media platform launches.

People who are dumb enough to believe Lindell but not quite dumb enough to believe that he meant to launch his big free speech site this way are, you know, complaining.

And for a while earlier Wednesday, the site was completely offline.

Because that's what you want to show people when you launch a new product that you've been hyping for weeks: a page claiming the site is undergoing "scheduled maintenance."


There's always FrankSocialMedia.com, courtesy of the folks over at The Good Liars.

Is it too much of a stretch to say I'm now more addicted to Mike Lindell than Mike Lindell was previously addicted to crack? Maybe not, but I should probably limit my exposure. I'm beginning to see that majestic gleaming mustache dancing in the wind whenever I close my eyes.

This GOP senator just tried to take credit for the COVID relief bill — after voting against it

Yeah, this was easy enough to predict.

Part of voting against a COVID relief measure that polls better than dolphins riding glitter-farting unicorns on enchanted rainbow highways to free breadsticks and blowhole-waxing night at Olive Garden is that you're morally obligated to sit back and take your lumps.

But as we well know, Republicans have no morals. They have talking points—and an unsettling number of constituents with the memories of below-average fruit flies.

So you get sly, winky-wink shit like this, from Mississippi Sen. Roger Wicker:

For the nontweeters: "Independent restaurant operators have won $28.6 billion worth of targeted relief. This funding will ensure small businesses can survive the pandemic by helping to adapt their operations and keep their employees on the payroll."

Note that the most important part of his tweet—"no thanks to me, of course"—somehow got cut off. He'll be talking to the Twitter help desk about that soon, I'm sure.

Oh, and also … FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOU, SENATOR!

This is like Jeffrey Dahmer showing up at a church potluck and trying to take credit for the vegan hummus.

No! No, Senator! Bad! We know for a fact you brought the O'Doul's and circus peanuts. And whatever this pâté is. You're not fooling anyone, dude.

I assume this is just an opening salvo. As more and more Americans are helped out of a bind by President Biden's signature relief bill, and as the economy starts to roar back thanks to his brawny COVID-mitigation and relief efforts, you're likely to see a lot more of this.

We can't let it happen.

This is a 100% Democratic relief bill—meaning exactly zero Republicans voted for it.

We can never forget that, and—more importantly—we can never let them forget it.

'The lack of self-awareness is stunning': Fox wonders complains about transparency over Biden's injured foot

As Donald Trump's fusillade of fucknuttery fades into history, the tan-suiting of Joe Biden can now begin!

You see, "people" are asking questions about Biden's visit to the doctor yesterday — a visit his team acknowledged the same day his injury was confirmed.


"The Biden team is facing questions about why reporters weren't even told right away what happened and why they couldn't see Biden on the way to the doctor."

Uh huh …

Days before Thanksgiving last year, President Donald Trump made an unannounced and previously unscheduled trip to Walter Reed medical center. The White House said the trip was for a "quick exam and labs." We still don't know why he actually went -- or what the outcome of his visit was.

On Sunday, three days after Thanksgiving this year, President-elect Joe Biden slipped and hurt his foot while playing with his dog, Major. We were quickly told -- via the traveling press pool -- that Biden was going to see his orthopedist out of an abundance of caution. Within two hours, there was a statement from Dr. Kevin O'Connor noting that Biden's foot had been X-rayed and it appeared as though he had a sprain. A CT scan was going to be conducted just to confirm the diagnosis, however.

Then, 90 minutes after that, came this, again from O'Connor: "Initial x-rays did not show any obvious fracture, but his clinical exam warranted more detailed imaging. Follow-up CT scan confirmed hairline (small) fractures of President-elect Biden's lateral and intermediate cuneiform bones, which are in the mid-foot. It is anticipated that he will likely require a walking boot for several weeks."

By the way, did Trump ever finish the second half of his physical?

And did he know he had the coronavirus during that first debate?

And what was with the shuffling walk down that ramp?

And why does he keep bragging about passing a dementia test?

And why the fuck was he taking a dementia test?

And why does he look on his best days like a caring quilt made of diseased antelope scrotums?

I think we all deserve answers, don't you?

Eric Trump told Minnesotans to get out and vote. Today — a week after the election

What do you do when you're a crime family and all your kids are Fredos? You fail. A lot.

Case in point: Eric Trump

Of course, we all know Eric has the cognitive ability of a below-average glue-huffing Sea-Monkey, but that doesn't mean it still isn't hilarious when he screws up.

This morning, Eric tweeted — and then quickly deleted — this:

ScreenShot2020-11-10at9.43.50AM.png

Well, Minnesota DID get out and vote ... last week ... and they opted to defenestrate his father's ocher arsehole.

Naturally, Twitter was only too happy to point out Eric's gaudy gormlessness.

Donald Trump has often bragged (falsely, of course) about hiring only the best people. At the same time, he apparently sires the worst. In fact, he's like a gravity well of incompetence, as anyone who moves beyond the event horizon of his inner circle has to be super-dumbfuckish, or a relative, or both to survive for very long.

It's the Trump way. And it won't change. Luckily, they have to go back to fucking up their business now. And I certainly won't object to that.

Pete Buttigieg hits back at Amy Coney Barrett's not-so-subtle homophobic slur

We all pretty much know who Amy Coney Barrett is.

I see such super-Catholics on my social media feeds pretty regularly because, well, I went to Catholic grade school and high school, and a lot of my old classmates either haven't figured out that I'm a filthy secular humanist or, to their credit, don't care.

And by "super-Catholics" I don't mean anyone who's more Catholic than me — because that would include just about everyone. I mean people who care about blastulas and zygotes more than they care about kids in cages. Put a couple frozen embryos in an Igloo cooler and stash it in a holding cell at the border and maybe some of these folks would finally wake up to this administration's inhumanity.

So, needless to say, Barrett isn't exactly forward-thinking when it comes to LGBTQ issues. Unless the baseline we're talking about is sometime in the early to mid-11th century.



BARRETT: "I have never discriminated on the basis of sexual preference and would not ever discriminate on the basis of sexual preference."

There's a lot wrong with that statement. First of all, it's an orientation, not a preference. For instance, my orientation is heterosexual. Watching Glee reruns while stoned out of my mind is my choice. Secondly, I'm pretty certain she's not a friend of the LGBTQ community, so this is all just window dressing anyway. And bad window dressing at that.

Well, erstwhile presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg noticed Barrett's verbal sleight-of-hand and was having none of it:


That's my preference, too, Mayor Buttigieg.

Unfortunately, Mitch McConnell's orientation is reptilian, so don't hold your breath.

Are you outraged? Well, then vote. And donate. And do everything else you have to do to deliver us a Biden presidency and a Democratic Senate.

Make it so.


Conservative columnist shames GOP senators: 'It’s too late to scurry away from the sinking Trump ship'

Jennifer Rubin is a longtime NeverTrumper member of the marginally sane community. She's one of The Washington Post's conservative writers, but when she decided to side with common sense over Trumpite servility, she became an apostate in the eyes of many of her fellow travelers.

Importantly, she pushed away from the Trumpian hog trough ages ago, whereas many conservatives-cum-cultists are now so sated and logy from their unholy bacchanal they should be easier to pick off than fat, flightless pigeons when the voters finally have their say.

And now that Trump has dropped a few more notches on the "acting presidential" scale — from "barely human" to "raw, quavering baboon rectum" — she's calling bullshit on all the inside-the-Beltwayers who are suddenly trying to flee from the ocher abomination like Quint from the shark on the deck of the Orca.

The Washington Post:

The big problem is that Senate Republicans wrapped themselves so tightly around Trump — defending his plainly impeachable conduct in the Senate trial, excusing his covid-denialism, ignoring his racist language and incitement to violence and declining to stop his financial self-dealing — that it's too late to scurry away from the sinking Trump ship. When the GOP eschewed a convention platform this summer in favor of heaping praise on Trump, Republicans made clear that they have no position other than Trump idolatry. Even now, they seem not to have learned anything.

Now that Trump's worst enablers suddenly find themselves in a hellish Hieronymus Bosch painting — their torsos (and political prospects) being gnawed on by giant, grotesque Trump heads for all eternity — there's really no escape. The time to take a principled stance is long past. They'll be treading water in Trump scat until all that bad karma is burned off. Could take a while.

And while Rubin notes that Democrats — fueled by outsized enthusiasm — are outraising their counterparts up and down the ballot, the real problem for Republicans is their generally pusillanimous reaction to Trump's serial outrages:

The crazier Trump seems in the last stretch (pleading for indictments of his political opponents, recklessly spreading covid-19, on-again-off-again stimulus negotiations), the more pathetic the Republicans who enabled him look. This is the guy you said had it all figured out? This was the guy you defended as a victim of liberal elites? These Republicans long ago threw away independent judgment, character, responsiveness to the voters back home and honesty, for fear of provoking Trump's ire or the condemnation of the right-wing media and the MAGA crowd. It turns out winning is awfully hard, even in red states, when your Trump sycophancy horrifies women, college-educated voters, non-White voters, young voters and seniors. Money is the least of Republicans' troubles.

In other words, they should have mutinied as soon as Lt. Cmdr. Queeg flipped out over the strawberries. But they hung on for dear life. And now they're basically sunk.

But it's not over yet! Donate to your fave Senate candidate — and be sure to give Joe some love (i.e., cash), if you can swing it.

Bizarre campaign ad leads many to ask: 'What is up with Donald Trump Jr. in this video?'

Usually I provide a transcript with these videos, no matter how fucknutted the fucknuttery. But this is one you just have to watch because, seriously, I can't begin to fathom what's going on with Don Jr. in this clip.


Yeah, that's just what we need. A stupefied weirdo summoning a shambolic army of conspiracy-loving "poll watchers."

This is a guy who's accused Joe Biden of using drugs to get through speeches and debates. This guy. The guy who looks like he's auditioning for an after-school special about the life-altering effects of bath salts abuse.

And why is he reading it like it's a hostage video or a quotidian announcement from the Borg Queen?

Seriously, it looks like they shot this three seconds after sandblasting the crusty night gunk out of his face.

I think one of those gyros places on State Street in Madison still has a photo of me taped to their cash register looking like this — with a warning not to serve me.



I've never tried coke, and I probably never will, but if I do wake up some morning with a hankerin', I know now that my first call will be to the Republican National Committee.

Now, I'm not saying Don Jr. is stoned in this video, because accusing someone of taking drugs when you have no proof is really irresponsible (right, Don Jr.?), but he sure doesn't look good. Maybe it's COVID.

I don't know — something is going on.

Many people are saying that.

Many, many people.

Is it rude to throw this quote from Trump's 2015 campaign launch back in his face?

I vividly remember Donald Trump’s campaign kickoff speech at Trump Tower on June 16, 2015 — a day which will live in imbecility.

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