The Rainbow Menace

You know what, I think its time for each and every one of us to get down on our scrawny unemployed knees and thank god for George Bush. The man has just gone and rescued the fragile moral fiber of this country once again. Can I get a Hallelujah? Only through the grace of Dubyah's faith have we finally been able to identify the fresh cancer poised to eat through the intestines of the American belly. And that toxic threat is gay marriage.

It's hard to imagine anything more subversive than two people of the same sex hugging and kissing and cooking and sleeping together, which unfortunately they are now allowed to do. But apparently that's not enough. Now, they want the same social benefits decent God-fearing people possess and protections under the law as well. As Justice Scalia says, the radical agenda of these sodomites will not end until they have permeated society disguised as ordinary human beings.

The only way to avert this danger and save ourselves from the seditious spread of the heathen spawn represented by those so called loving people claiming they only wish to be with each other is to prevent them from holding partnership rights under the law, at all, ever. See, if we can only do that, we'll be perfectly fine. And we won't have to worry about those nasty horrible terrorists anymore, or where Saddam and Osama are or why the economy is flatter than a Kansas wheat field after harvest. And that's why we got to clamp down on these poisonous perverts burrowing into the midsection of our heartland with their blasphemous ceremonies.

This choir has sung before. It's the same standard hymn 37 states have already hummed passing the "Defense of Marriage Act" which defines marriage as a union between one man and one woman only and bars recognition of same sex marriages from other states, in case one of the Sneaky Godless ones like Oregon or California or Vermont tries to pull something tricky. Smart move, actually, since same sex marriages are now legal in Canada, Belgium and the Netherlands. You know, the Sneaky Godless countries who also refuse to treat marijuana smokers like the heinous criminals they are.

This pendulum swing to wrong side of the rainbow must be nipped in the tulip bud immediately. Television networks have recently discovered that niche marketing focusing on gays can translate into fat ratings. And though networks are run by huge conglomerates headed up by conservative CEOs, we all know what can happen when a good and decent ideologue is forced to choose between his beliefs and a big pile of green.

Even the Catholic Church has weighed in on the matter with the Pope threatening to excommunicate any priest officiating at a gay union, although to be perfectly honest, having the Catholic Church on our side in this one is like using Mike Tyson as an expert witness in Anger Management. Like having oil companies write our national environmental standards. Oh, sorry, bad analogy there.

The specter of gay dominance over our culture looms on the horizon like a size gazillion black three button Gianni Versace suit with contrast piping and a silk crew tee. How long before the streets of every small American town are transformed into idyllic playgrounds for men and women strolling unashamed, holding hands flaunting their "normalcy" in front of our children?

It's an imminent peril and not merely a desperate distraction like the loony left insists. I repeat: This is not a distraction. Just like the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq weren't a distraction. No, this is even more of not a distraction than the weapons in Iraq weren't a mass distraction. What I mean is, this is even less destruction than that. In other words, no distraction at all. You know what I mean.

Sorry, the political comedian, Will Durst, kind of zoned out there. Probably distracted.

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