Our quadrennial presidential sweepstakes regularly provides textbook studies in contrast. And 2016 raises the bar in disparity. Red and blue. Left and right. Hot and cold. Up and down. Good and bad. Boy and girl. Pro and con. Loud and soft. Rain or shine. Fish and fowl. Dumb and dumber.
The national political conventions are a lot like professional wrestling. Sure, we know what's going to happen, but every four years, it's fun to see who’s throwing around chairs and getting slammed into the turnbuckle.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. And a large part of what makes it so goldarn fabulous is the festive array of idiosyncratic traditions each family imprints on their holiday gene map like a candy cane tattoo on the soft flesh behind your knee.
He gets under their skin like termites in a boathouse. Drives them crazier than Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono dancing on a gay pride parade float. He’s the itch you can’t scratch. The thorn in the palm of their paw. The 3- inch scratch on their favorite Ted Nugent album. Talking about that hot new Catholic sensation, Pope Frankie.
Population scientists describe the Baby Boom generation as anybody born between the years 1946 and 1964. Which means the youngest of the Baby Boomers turned 50 last year, and the oldest will turn 70 next year, which is just so wrong. We Boomers are the architects of the youth culture. We invented young people for crum’s sakes. We’re the Pepsi Generation... that had a minor fling with Coke.
Still recovering from the sonic bombshell dropped by Jeb Bush announcing he was officially upgrading his prospective candidate status from… considering the formation of an exploratory committee to investigate the feasibility of a possible run for the presidency to… actually authorizing the formation of an exploratory committee that will investigate the feasibility of a possible run for the presidency. Our little caterpillar is now one step closer to being a big bad beautiful butterfly.
- Barack Obama. Upcoming 3rd year of his 2nd term promises much bigger, knock- down, drag-out fights with the Republicans. Not to mention… the Democrats.
- Chris Christie for so generously providing the comedy community with such a target rich environment including his Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Float- the only one which is actual size.
- Anchor Steam Christmas Ale. Especially this year
- Hillary Clinton who since 1992, no matter how much effluvium gets thrown at her, just keeps on keeping on, like the Energizer Bunny on steroids.
- Ted Cruz for being crazier than Norman Bates after a dip in a psilocybin bath riddled with corn fungus.
- The International Panel on Climate Change for finally just throwing up its hands and playing darts while drinking beer on the patio.
- Sarah Palin, because she just can’t help herself.
- Bill Clinton, because he just can’t help himself.
- Fox News for incrementally ramping up the vitriol and hyperbole with the obvious goal of eventually featuring giant lizards spitting and clawing at each other.
- Kim Kardashian who determinedly refuses to allow any lack of discernible talent keep her from becoming famous.
- The entire Toronto Ford family including Rob and brother Doug for making American politicians feel better about themselves.
- The airline industry who have driven customers to stow away amongst the landing gear in their never- ending search for legroom.
- Donald Sterling who with his lifetime NBA ban should live to be 110.
- Black Friday Creep for providing the requisite distraction allowing we gluttons to cop extra portions of pie.
- For whoever is marrying Charles Manson. Just because.
- For the entire State of Florida. Just because.
- Harry Reid, for steadfastly refusing to be part of the solution.
- Pope Francis and Pope Benedict, because 2, two, too Popes are better than one.
- The 22nd Amendment: which, for 67 years, has proudly kept the American people from making the same mistake more than twice.
- The GOP, waging an internal war for it’s very soul. GOP Soul. Short book. Put it on the shelf right next to Barack Obama Leadership Skills.
- The Newly Elected 114th Congress. Because if you liked the 113th Congress, you’re going to love these guys. Exponential factor gridlock.