Days of Wine and Bushes

So far the tastiest moment in the great hooch saga was when presidential spokesman, Ari Fleischer went all Tony Soprano on the White House press corps' ink-stained asses.

Responding to a question about the president's reaction to his daughters being cited for underage drinking, Fleischer dialed his orbs down to the Heavy-Lidded setting favored among loan sharks and growled, "I would urge all of you to very carefully think through how much you want to pursue this. You fuckin' hear what I'm saying to you, you fuckin' needledicks?"

It was beautiful. Finally, a front line flak that has the stones to go after the media jackals, to threaten to rain down a vindictive turdstorm on those low-minded sucks for their shameless liberal bias.

What? You think the media doesn't apply a double standard in these kinds of situations? That elected Democrats and their spawn are treated the same as Republicans and their Republican progeny? Then explain the bloody incident in 1978 when Amy Carter shot a man just to watch him die.

You would think something like that would garner a few headlines, right? Teenage daughter of the president guns a man down in cold blood. A thrill-killing at the hands of the soft spoken freckle-faced Baptist girl. But no. Most news bureaus ignored it completely, or buried it as a human interest piece.

Crazy thing is the guy didn't die right away. He was in a coma for a few months hooked up to a respirator. They thought he was going to be a vegetable but he regained consciousness and started to show signs of improvement. He was able to communicate with his doctors through a series of blinks and was squeezing the hands of his loved ones. The prognosis was good. Then Amy Carter shows up at the hospital, high on uppers and finished the job by jamming an icepick in his eye.

Again, zilch for coverage. Carter pays a fine, receives some counseling and the whole thing is swept under the rug, almost as if it never happened. But now that the White House is occupied by a staunch conservative, it's a whole new enchilada.

Ever since the election controversy, left-leaning reporters have been licking their chops, waiting for the chance to nail one or both of the Bush daughters. Phase Uno of their fiendish plan was planting a variety of alcoholic beverages in bars and restaurants throughout the Austin area where Jenna, the twin built for sin, is a college student. Then the media advertised the availability of said spirits. Then they hired bartenders to dispense the liquor and musicians to entertain bar patrons. And in a final stroke of evil genius, the media raised the legal drinking age to 21. Then the media crouched on their hairy haunches, monitoring a police scanner. It was pure entrapment, a set-up from the words Go...get me another Jell-O shot.

How could the media be so sure the girls would take the boozy bait? They had seen to that months earlier. In a frenzy of muckraking, the press had uncovered the details of George W. Bush's long ago DUI arrest. Mr. Bush explained that the only reason he had concealed the incident for 24 years was to shield his daughters, who are both as fragile and beautiful as glass figurine angels handblown by hillbilly artists working at Dollywood, and also highly impressionable.

His fears proved too well founded. Perhaps it was their eagerness to win parental approval or maybe their utter pliability is some kind of inherited condition, but for whatever reason the girls were quickly lured down the high octane trial blazed by their Pops.

Now instead of giving this family time to heal in private the media gleefully savages the girls, insinuating they are supposed to be held accountable for their own actions somehow. Even President Bush is dragged into the bitter debate which is, of course, staggering nonsense. Could someone please point to where it is written that a father is responsible for instilling common sense and moral character in his children? What kind of liberal elitist propaganda is that?

Let's step back from the brink of hysteria for a second. Cancel the impeachment proceedings. This incident needs to be kept in perspective. Sure, laws were broken but there is something much more important to consider. According to all reports, the girls were in a bar and were drinking. They may have even been drunk. And while all indications are this is normal behavior for both of them, they were not, repeat NOT, engaged in karaoke.

And at the end of the day, isn't that kind of good sound judgment we all pray for our children to have?