I Failed as a Porn Critic

AdultDVDEmpire.com claims to be "the largest online retailer of adult DVDs in the world," but you'd never know it from their headquarters in the Thorn Hill Industrial Park in Cranberry, a low, dun-colored warehouse-style building with "DVD Empire" -- their other, non-pornography business -- stenciled on the front door.

Their website is notable for exactly two things: the March special ("Celebrate Women's History Month by saving $5.00 on selected All-Girl titles") and the fact that the site employs professional adult film reviewers.

It sounded like the ideal way to build up that college fund for my kids, so I decided to apply.

A quick glance at the top-reviewed titles on the site told me right away that this would be a challenge. There are only so many ways to say, "Naked women! Doin' stuff! Sometimes even to each other!" But despite porn's famously inane plots and dialogue, its cheesy music and settings, and the utter irrelevance of all those things to the average customer -- or so I've heard -- there seemed to be some Cahiers du Cinema subscribers among the reviewers. Did I spy a few shades of François Truffaut's celebratory critique of Jean Renoir's ouevre in one reviewer's incisive query: "So, the question is: What makes a good oral sex DVD?"

Perhaps non.

AdultDVDEmpire requested a sample review with my application. So I rented "Gen Sex" starring Stephanie Swift, Sydnee Steele, Inari Vachs, Tina Cheri, Michael J. Cox, Dale Dabone and Mark Davis -- the only one with a tough enough agent, apparently, to avoid the silly porn-star name.

Swift and Vachs are television talk-show host and videographer scouring the countryside to interview women about orgasms. Don't ask why. They certainly don't.

My wife, a bona fide cinephile, insisted on helping with my review. I'm glad she did.

It takes a woman to notice the little things, from the error one couple made in getting a leather couch wet (very difficult to clean, I learned) to one woman's chafing marks from shaving (points off from the judges there) all the way to the makeup credit: "By Mystery," it said. "Well, yeah," my wife responded.

Deborah Chinn, spouse (I presume) of the film's director Bob Chinn, also stars as the talk-show producer. Although attractive, she is also a woman "of a certain age" in a business suit and sensible hair. She doesn't even get naked in the film, let alone participate.

"Come on, old broad," my wife shouted at the screen at one point, "do it for AARP."

It also takes a woman to come up with such critical insights.

Chinn's cinematic choices were, in fact, a bit odd. One of the orgasmic women found by our TV hostess gets excited by artichokes. Another couple, showing their moves in the back of an auto repair shop, are accompanied on their radio by a public service announcement about herpes.

Last year Salon.com reported that the U.S. government had paid television shows to include anti-drug plots. Could the feds be investing in adult films now?

As for the performances: Ethyl, standing behind the couple in the auto repair shop, was a better actress.

Ethyl was a tank of gas.

And the sex? I can't top the critical assessment offered by my very own Gene-Siskel-in-frilly-panties: "If you don't know what you're doing, don't do it harder."

I felt ready now to critique in the big leagues: porn DVDs. By myself.

The clerk at Starflicks in the North Hills recommended "My Plaything," starring Stacey Valentine -- and the viewer. It was supposed to be a sex simulator, with Valentine staring directly into the camera and only a few male body parts intruding, as required. One could click on everything from "Tease" to "Cowboy" which, I was disappointed to see, I'd actually done -- meaning the whole thing was a lot less dirty than it sounded.

Unfortunately, it also sometimes resembled Night of the Living Penis. Watching a hand wander in from the bottom of a screen to touch a woman is just creepy, not sexy. The best part of this DVD was failing to choose and watching Valentine squirm (literally) and ask, "What's wrong, can't decide?" and, eventually, freeze up.

I sent AdultDVDEmpire.com my review via email -- and one hour later was rejected. Shannon Nutt, overseeing reviewers for the company, wouldn't tell me what was wrong with it. He would only say that they're rather overburdened with reviewers at the moment.

I've been a writer long enough to know a kind kiss-off when I read it. But I admit I'm relieved. If I ever see another porn movie, I don't want to have to do it with my pencil in my hand.