Chat Smarts

In 1995, Katie Tarbox was a 13-year-old 7th grader in the affluent community of New Canaan, Conn. That summer, Katie found America Online and her life would never be the same. What began as a chat room friendship with a young man turned into a frightening in-person encounter with a man who was not 23 as he initially said, but instead was a 41-year-old man who had a history of molestation offenses against minors.

Katie's case, along with others, marked an increase in the prosecution of Internet pedophiles (adults who have sexual desires for children and meet them online). Though Katie pressed charges, the saga didn't end there. In the following years, she learned who her friends really were and fought her way back from a severe depression and bouts of shame and guilt. Today, she is a successful high school senior bound for college in the fall. And her book Katie.com, which recounts the events of the case and its aftermath, hits bookshelves this week.

We recently chatted with Katie about what happened to her, how it's changed her, and what we can do to be safe on the Web.

Why do think the chat rooms were such a draw for you?

I really thought the chat rooms were all AOL had to offer. At that point there was nothing out yet about cyber predators. It was very positive -- you know, you could talk to kids all over the country. The first time I went on there I had a ball. There were some raunchy people but for the most part I thought it was supercool.

How responsible do you think the AOLs of the world are for what happened to you?

I never thought AOL was responsible for what happened to me. I really think the parents out there have taken stepped-back roles in kids' lives. Parents should take responsibility for their kids. I think they forget that the best morals and lessons can be learned through the home and they should make sure their kids are safe online.

How do you advise teens not to have this happen?

I think there are instances where it can be safe and wonderful. In my case I know there were blatant warning signs that I ignored, and I think you can't ignore them. Go slow, don't give out your phone number immediately, don't give out your personal information so you can be tracked down. If you decide to meet someone in person you need to tell someone you're doing it and to meet them in a public place. If you encounter an Internet pedophile, the best place to go is the FBI. Go to the local FBI branch or the local police station and make a complaint.

In several passages in the book before you met Frank, some of the things he said to you made me nervous as the reader. Why do you think they didn't raise any alarm for you, like when he offered to fly you out on your 14th birthday?

I was too involved. I look back at myself and I have to laugh at some of the things I didn't catch. I was ashamed for a long period of my life afterward. It was just a really intense relationship and I was so happy about it that I think I was willing to overlook things and make sacrifices.

In the book you mention that in the aftermath of the events you had trouble looking at people when you spoke with them because of the shame issue. Have you been able to regain that confidence?

That has taken me a very long time, and it was moreso with men than with women. My editor is a man about the same age as Frank and the first time I met him I couldn't look at him and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I did well at school my junior year and then I won a lot of academic prizes so I started getting myself on solid ground and my confidence came back. I realized that I just had to get used to it again. I had to practice it.

How has the experience changed the way you form friendships offline, or in the real world?

Well, first of all I don't chat online at all anymore. As far as relationships in person, I've had to meet people that are much more accepting. It's been life-changing just in terms of my outlook on life and the things I want to accomplish and the goals I have and that has influenced my friends, but I don't think anything in particular has influenced how I make friends.

How long did it take you to feel comfortable going online again?

I didn't get online again in terms of regular e-mail for almost three years. But I do use the Internet for everyday things -- like downloading applications and printing stamps. There are so many great resources. It's such a wonderful tool and it would be a shame to stop using it because predators are out there -- it's wonderful if used correctly.

How are things now when you go back to New Canaan?

I keep a low profile when I go back. What's strange is that some of the friends I had in school here before, who I haven't talked to since I left for high school, are contacting me again now that the book is coming out and I'm not sure what their motivations are. But I've tried to at least keep in touch with different people because I went to school with them for so long.

How did the book come about?

After Frank was sentenced I needed to get my life on track again and I started writing. I started a journal and I wrote every day for two months. I realized at the end of the summer that I had what looked like a book. So we contacted an entertainment lawyer and he put us in touch with a literary agent.

When you told your mom exactly what happened, she seemed very unsympathetic to your situation. She placed a lot of blame on you and cared more about how it would affect the family reputation. How are your relationships with your family now?

My mom and I had to work really hard on our relationship and we're very close now. And I'm really close to my older sister. My younger sister is the age now that I was in the book so she's going through all of those things of trying to figure out who you are. It's been harder on her because a lot of the attention shifted to me when this happened, and now with the book coming out it's shifted again.

What has been the most profound change on you in the aftermath of the whole trauma?

I think it's night and day. I used to be so unaccepting of people who were different or who made mistakes. I was so embarrassed about mistakes. For one, I realized that life is anything but fair, and two, it's really about mistakes. I realized it's OK to make mistakes if and only if you take them and turn them around to be positive situations. I think I've done that successfully. I really take mistakes now as learning tools in my life and I think it's sad when people fail but I hope they'll turn it around. I think that I'm trying to be more down to earth and more accepting of people now. I no longer look at what happened to me and feel shame. I feel an overwhelming sense of pride knowing what I've done and I've worked really hard for it. That brings me such joy in my life that I'll never be ashamed to share this story because I realize it can help people.

What are you doing now? What's next for you?

I'm looking at colleges and I want to take a lot of writing courses. I think writing will always be part of my life. I'm working on another nonfiction book about the college process. I've got a website, with information and links about how to keep kids safe online. I speak at schools. I'm just trying to tell people about my story in the hopes that it will help. If only one girl gets helped, that's one girl that doesn't have to go through what I did.

Heather McLatchie is a Texas-based freelance writer who's been writing for the Internet since 1995. This article originally appeared on ChickClick's teen channel, Missclick.