XXX-mas Cheer

Of all things, you'd think America could come up with a good Christmas porn video. Consider the cast of characters: Santa Claus, the Virgin Mary, elves, angels, Jesus, Joseph, the Three Wise Men. Consider that the creators of porn, who are paid to have no shame, specialize in bending culturally familiar plots to their own kinky purposes. That's why Throbbin' Hood and Robin Head are both titles on the video porn shelves, and why the Rain Women series (about what? golden showers? idiot savant nymphomaniacs?) has more sequels than Rocky. When you walk through that outhouse door separating the clean movies from the porn at the video store, you half-expect a special Christmas section. Instead, there is no more than a handful of titles. Here, then, is a necessarily abbreviated purview of X-rated Xmas vids. Holiday For Angels: One of Santa's elves (a six foot actor) hires a couple of "girls" from a temp service to help with the workload. He preps them by cueing up a series of videos Santa has made that "mixes up the idea of 'naughty or nice.'" So with barely a nod to the Christmas premise, we're already into the panting gyrations generic to all porn; including copious close-ups of orifice penetrations that are about as sexy as churning pistons in a Valvoline commercial. One model with an incredibly flexible asshole must wear Depends when she's not working. There was also a scene where a very angry, verbal man turns a supposed lesbian into a "real woman" by the power of his mighty sword. (Guess sexual insecurity among porn viewers is as rampant in December as any other month.) But ironically, watching all this action gets the temps so horny they start exploring each other. Then the elf re-enters and--surprise! surprise!--the nude vixens ask him to join in. Miracle On 69th Street: Santa's wife and the elves have all left him to go to work for Heatwave Productions (producer of this vid). Cursing a blue streak, he climbs in his sleigh (sans reindeer and any believable background setting) and goes about his annual gift-drop. Along the way, he picks up a quartet of gorgeous women who have just subjected themselves to standard porn sex with their respectively rude or inattentive beaus. Back at the North Pole, he gives them each thoughtful gifts such as candy-flavored panties, which they eagerly consume in the process of satisfying each other (at one point, the four of them hook up into a perfect square). Meanwhile, Santa goes surfing. Miracle gets points for its camp humor, low-budget sets and quasi-egalitarian gender bent. But once again, use of the Xmas premise is little more than perfunctory. Stocking Stuffers: The title and much of the vid is in reference to dildos and vibrators, including a two-pronged fucker for simultaneous vagina-asshole penetration. (Don't know if porn's preoccupation with anuses is meant to be homoerotic, a power/degradation thang, or both.) Otherwise, a couple of red bows above some penises is about as seasonal as this gets. A Little Christmas Tail: This is clearly the Rolls Royce of the fuck-and-suck-with-Santa vids. Among its many coups is casting a midget in the role of an elf and naming him Big Jake. Santa tells his wife he is going to a toy convention in Miami, then sneaks off to another part of the North Pole compound to boff his mistress. Meanwhile, Ms. Claus stumbles into the workshop, where she quickly discovers how Big Jake got his nickname. Then Jake pulls out his "materializer," a gun that brings toys to life. Before long, Raggedy Ann and Andy are feverishly getting it on alongside a toy soldier and a ballerina. When lady Claus and Jake dive into the orgy, it's too much for Santa--viewing the whole thing on hidden camera--to handle, and he barges in, his mistress close behind. In classic sitcom style everyone admits their indiscretions and screws happily ever after. There were no gay or bisexual Christmas porn vids on the shelves, although each of the four vids listed above had its threesomes and women-to-women couplings. (Men-to-men was verboten.) Also, despite the promise of an Xmas-oriented plot as one of its skits, the Calendar Girl 12 anthology was devoid of holiday material. Finally, Santa Comes But Once A Year was checked out of my local video store a few months back and never returned, a recommendation of sorts. It may just be the great lost Christmas porn classic you'd expect the season to deliver.