How To Talk To Men

Relationships are a sport in which everyone is a player but nobody knows the rules. Sure, was a catchy title, but it understates the distance involved. When people say they need "space" these days, they mean as in "space, the final frontier." Billions and billions and billions of miles in a Carl Sagan sort of way. Of course, your mileage may vary. It could be that we just over analyze the whole thing. If relationships were like airlines, emotional baggage would be limited to one carry-on bag that you could fit under your seat. In the event of turbulent times or engine failure, the emergency exits would be clearly marked. Oxygen masks would automatically drop down in front of your face. You'd get frequent flyer miles for every relationship which you could later cash in for fabulous prizes and free trips. However, take it from somebody who has survived more crashes than a black box, don't forget to fasten your seat belt and return your seats to the upright position before you land in another relationship. Or, maybe relationships should be like apartment rental agreements. You'd have to clean things up and return them to their original condition before you left in order to get your security back. Remember, no pets, no smoking, no drinking, no rebuilding engines in the driveway or your lease may be revoked. Well, I guess it's not that easy. All the 10,000 self help books can't be wrong. What we really need is better communication. Okay, it's mostly men who need to communicate better. Unlike women, when you ask a man what he's thinking and the answer is "nothing" he really is being truthful. You say you can't read the man in your life? You say, you're not even sure what language he's written in? You're Windows '95 and he's DOS? Sure you can try the old standards such as threatening to hold the remote control hostage or forcing him to take ballroom dancing classes, but this will only serve to antagonize the man in your life. The '90s Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG) really wants to communicate, you just need to give him a little help. Here are a few tips. * Start with the big emotions. Buy your significant other two t-shirts. On one write I "heart" (your name here). On the other write "I circle-with-a-slash-though-it (your name here again). Ask your love muffin to wear the appropriate t-shirt so that you at least have broad-side- the-barn clue to his mood. On second thought, maybe you ought to combine these into one reversible t-shirt to accommodate quick shifts in mood. * Give your stoic of love a game show buzzer that he can sound when you make incorrect guesses at his multilayered moods. Remember, men are like onions.... if you keep peeling back the layers you will just end up crying a lot and your hands will stink for days. But I digress. The buzzer system works like this: "Do you feel like going out tonight?" Bzzzzz! "Do you want to stay home?" Bzzzzz! "Do you not want to make a decision right now?" Ding! Ding! Ding! And now we go to the bonus round..."Just exactly when will you know what you want to do?" * Appeal to his frugality and take a tip from psychologists. When you ask your loved one how he's feeling, look at your watch frequently and hold up a sign that says "this is costing you $75 an hour." Take your communications efforts seriously because the research on this subject is fairly clear. If you don't learn to communicate you end up alternately "the funny lady at the end of the block with all those cats" or "that weird guy who hangs out down at the Laundromat."