A Men's Guide to Prostitution

Sex for money. Money for sex. Sounds simple. Yet the ways of prostitutes are vague and mysterious with queer twists and turns, and not everything is as it seems. Just ask Eddie Murphy.Even though he's in a LOUD state of denial, The Horny Professor has yanked the world's oldest profession off the street and thrust it into the light of the mainstream media.Although to avoid any lawsuits, it must be clearly stated that Murphy's much publicized encounter with a transsexual hooker was simply a wacky mix-up. When an attractive street walker approached Murphy's car at 4:45 in the morning and asked if he wanted to go around the world, the Good Samaritan assumed she was far, far from home and needed a lift. He agreed, even though his time commitment and gas expense were sure to be enormous.Meanwhile, in Kansas City, Missouri, a local government access cable channel now broadcasts the faces and names of those arrested for prostitution-related crimes, hookers and johns alike. Supporters claim the public humiliation will help curtail prostitution. In reality, it is a swinging dating service, a low-budget Love Connection.But for those not fortunate enough to live in such an innovative town as K.C., hiring a harlot must still be done the old fashioned way. Here's where things get tricky. So to speak. This is not a subject taught in school, seldom broached in men's magazines. It's not a common topic of discussion among friends. What's a lonely guy to do?Be embarrassed no more. What follows is the Complete Beginner's Guide to Procuring a Prostitute. Follow these step by step instructions and you'll not only be able to meet real live hookers, but you'll learn to score, almost every time.First, finding a prostitute is easier than you think. Drive the downtown streets until you spot someone who bears an uncanny resemblance to Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. That's the industry standard of working girls. Settle for nothing less.Once you spy a suitable candidate, approach cautiously. Many are shy and easily startled. Pull curbside and let her saunter over in her sensible shoes and strike up a conversation. Learn the lingo. Want to party? Want some company? Want to insert your penis in me for a fee? These are all street slang for a sexual proposition.Once you respond in the affirmative, the negotiations begin. Prices vary depending on how far you want to go: second base, third base or round tripper. But you have the edge. Almost all prostitutes get into the biz because they really, really, really love sex. Especially with out-of-towners. They're so suave. So you've got leverage. Haggle. Ask about any specials that might be running that week. Find out if you qualify for discounts such as AAA, AARP, etc.Once you've settled on a price, payment should be made in cash only. No checks or credit cards. And the barter system, unless she's Amish, doesn't apply.Don't be surprised if she asks if you're a cop. Lots of women are turned on by fantasy role playing. It's from all those romance novels they read. Obviously, she has a thing for cops or men in uniform. Play along. Read her her rights if you want to get her really hot.With business out of the way, it's time to choose your accommodations. Some guys will be satisfied with the Hugh Grant Suite (front seat), but to truly savor the experience find a nearby motel. When checking in, mention to the clerk that you're with a hooker. Thrilled with the possibility of a repeat customer, he may knock a few bucks off the bill.At all times during the date, act the gent. Extend the little courtesies to show that you appreciate her as a woman or a passable transvestite. Open doors for her, help her on and off with her wrap, light her crack pipe. It will only increase your chances for scoring later on.Once inside the room, expect a time frame. She may announce that there's a half hour allotment. Don't panic. You can always use the extra 28 minutes explaining how great you usually are in bed.It's natural to be nervous. If she is, do something to put her at ease. A card trick if you know any, or shadow puppets. Show her pictures of your wife and kids. Make small talk. Find something about her to compliment, her tattoos or ensemble. Satin hot pants never go out of style. Express an interest in her work. Ask what celebrities she's been with. But don't tease her if they're minor ones, Joey Buttafuco or below.At some point, you'll both be swept up in the moment and will collapse into each other's arms, hungry mouths locked together. There's a persistent rumor that hookers don't kiss on the mouth. Not true. Not if you pop a Mentos, the Freshmaker, before you begin. Offer her one, too.After the act, she'll want to cuddle. Let her. She'll want to chat. What are you thinking about? Am I better than other prostitutes you've been with? Be polite. But after a reasonable period of time, start making your excuse to leave. No doubt, she'll want to see you again. Which shouldn't be a problem. Let her know when you're available. And what you charge.Keep it reasonable, stud.

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