8 Foods That Should Not Exist (I Tried Taco Bell's Breakfast Menu So You Don't Have To)
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The following post first appeared on J ezebel.com.
Welcome to another edition of Foods That Should Not Exist, where for some reason — probably my own inability to sense impending doom — I allowed several readers to convince me to eat and then review the entire Taco Bell breakfast menu. Astoundingly, I got out of the affair with only minor internal injuries.
By now you've all heard of Taco Bell's new breakfast menu, as well as its signature item, the Waffle Taco, pictured above (oh, we'll get there, don't worry). You've probably also heard of the advertising war of words going on between McDonald's and Taco Bell lately. It started with Taco Bell posting this video, a pretty well-played jab at McDonald's*:
McDonald's responded by offering free coffee to all customers for two weeks, and also posted this:
Taco Bell countered with the following:
While that second commercial only kind of works (probably because, unlike the first one, it wasn't shot by Oscar-winning documentarian Errol Morris), it's actually been pretty entertaining to watch two purveyors of shitty food engage in the world's silliest slapfight. As a long-time somewhat-enjoyer of McDonald's breakfast, however (my feelings on the vile entity known as McGriddlesnotwithstanding), it was time to find out how Taco Bell stacked up. After convincing my girlfriend to wake up before 10 AM and take me to Taco Bell (an achievement I consider my Everest, in retrospect), it was off to the Taco Emporium.
Anyway, as I pulled everything out of the bag back at home, I encountered the fact that the items are just as cringe-inducingly packaged as everything else from Taco Bell. They have quotes in the vein of the same bizarrely stupid sayings that adorn the sauce packets, like "Right now I'm eating a Waffle Taco and you're not" (uh...I'm...pretty sure I'm eating it, Taco Bell?) and "It's a good morning now." Jesus Christ, Taco Bell, you're embarrassing yourself.First off, is it just me, or do all Taco Bells feel dank in a way that can't compare to other greasaterias? You always feel like you're doing something illicit — although to be fair, I'm pretty sure those Mexican Nachos are illegal in at least five states. I'm honestly surprised the first restaurant to get caught selling heroin to customers was a McDonald's rather than a Taco Bell. Not that it has any bearing on this article, but fun fact: the Smackdonald's is my local McDonald's. Seriously. It's three blocks from my apartment. It's still open and I go there all the time.
Let's just goddamn do this before my eyes roll out of my head.
1. Cinnabon Bites — My first words after I put one in my mouth were "I think I just ate King Candy's testicles," but I meant it in a good way. Once you get past the truly horrifying texture of a sugared puffball exploding with fructose spooge, it actually tastes pretty good. Now that I've put the thought in your head, though, I defy you to not think of them as Cinnabon Testicles. You're welcome for that marketing campaign by the way, Taco Bell.
2. Steak and Egg Burrito — This seems OK for about five seconds until your brain processes the fact that what you're eating isn't even D-grade meat. Seriously, what the fuck was that? It tasted like I was eating cartilage mixed with asshole meat. Forget "steak," "scrapple" is too highbrow of a description for that shit. The fact that they're not legally obligated to label it "stayk" is the clearest indication yet that the FDA is asleep at the wheel.