We probably seem painfully ordinary or even invisible. We are middle-class-looking people (or "better") who drive unremarkable but reliable cars, usually conjugate verbs correctly and probably went to college. We might even have jobs and successes that make us seem like we sailed through the flaming hoops of the privilege circus to land there. We look and talk and act like people who have all the hallmarks of a middle-class upbringing, so we are treated that way.
The following story first appeared on Jezebel.
It's a well-known fact that kids will cheerfully eat stuff a starving hyena won't go anywhere near. This got me thinking: what sort of goofy, ridiculous shit did we eat as children that probably should be banned by the Geneva Convention?
I love fast food so much that my feelings for it are probably illegal in Georgia. It's objectively disgusting, of course, but I truly love it. Give me a BK Double Stacker or a Big Mac or literally anything from Popeye's and I'm a happy (and gastrically-distressed) camper. But really, never has the tag for these articles been more apropos than with some of the mad science experiments these companies come up in their never-ending war over who can do more unspeakable things to nacho cheese. I don't fault someone for eating fast food, ever (that would be hypocrisy on a level that would stagger even the talking heads at Fox News), but I feel like the existence of each and every one of these items has to be the result of a dare taken WAY too far.
1. Doritos Locos Tacos — I swear to God I thought this was a joke the first time I saw an ad for it. Then, after I thought about it for a while, it started to make sense. See, the Doritos Locos Taco is the Caligulan orgy of the Pax Americana. Centuries from now, historians will look back at the Doritos Locos Taco and conclude that such decadence heralded the inevitable decline of our once-mighty society. Truly, they will surmise, we were brought low by our need to insert chemical-flavored nachos into every foodstuff. Well, that and the whole supply-side economics thing. But we both know its really the Doritos Locos Tacos.
Given a lot of the company's actions in the past few years, it's fair to ask: have the minds behind Doritos completely and utterly lost it? Has anyone yet done the necessary research to trace the roots of Doritos' descent into the dark heart of absurdity into some sort of workable timeline?
If there's one thing I love, it's cheese-covered gluten. And if there are two things I love, they're cheese-covered gluten and making fun of lifestyle guru and noted Veela Gwyneth Paltrow. So when I came across a copy of Gwyneth's 2014 diet book It's All Good ("delicious, easy recipes that will make you look good and feel great"), it seemed like a golden opportunity: What if I spent a week eating only Gwyneth's gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, meat-free, ingredient-free, my-children's-college-fund-free food? Would I look good? Would I feel great?
Want to know what's actually in a hot dog? Surprisingly, the answer is not "hooves, lips, and skunk anus." Well, not JUST hooves, lips, and skunk anus.
In case you weren't already convinced that most high school dress codes are sexist bullshit meant to police young women's behavior along totally arbitrary guidelines, this story should do it for you: a 17-year-old girl was publicly chastised and kicked out of a homeschool prom in Virginia because several dads in attendance were unable to stop ogling her from a balcony overlooking the event.
The following post first appeared on Jezebel.com.