Man-gifts and What They Mean

Ladies, are you curious about the man you're dating? Do you wonder if he's Mr. Right or Mr. Replaceable? Well, you'll soon find out. All questions will be answered come February 14.

Maybe you've had sex with him. Maybe you've met his family. Maybe you've had sex with his family. (Applies to Alabama residents only.) But you don't really know a man until he gives you a Valentine's Day gift.

Valentine's Day gifts are emotional trail guides, providing crucial insight into a man's character, his feelings for you and his commitment to the relationship. As soon as you open it you'll know whether to move in with him or file a restraining order.

Follow this simple gift-to-feelings conversion chart to figure out what exactly he's saying to you.

Diamonds, automobiles or romantic getaways: He's cheating on you. Probably with another man. It's a classic distraction maneuver. He dazzles you with something lavishly ostentatious then rips your heart from your chest while your guard is down. Ditch this evil bastard before he has a chance to hurt you.

Jewelry: He may not be gay. He may be bi or it could just be an experimental phase. But obviously with this purchase he is trying to compensate for his laughably small penis. If this is how you envisioned your Prince Charming, by all means hang on to the swishy needle-dick.

Cigarettes, potato chips or toothpaste: Even though he only earns 40 cents an hour working in the prison laundry, he still thought of you while shopping in the canteen. Obviously, he is considerate and caring. Now don't you feel ashamed for refusing to mule in a kilo of flake for him? Relationships are two-way streets you know.

Giant heart-shaped box of Godiva chocolate: He's not buying the big-boned theory. He thinks you're fat and with this cruel gift he's trying to push you into a nougat-filled abyss. After you morph into a gelatinous manatee then he can feel justified in dumping you.

A 59-cent box of conversation hearts: He has the soul of a mystic. In his own shy way he is trying to express profound sentiments. Just read the cryptic messages contained on each candy heart. Cool Kid, Oh Boy, Hot Stuff, etc. Hang on to this dreamboat.

A dozen red roses: Could he be anymore predictable? What's next, a card? Stinking loser.

Flowers dug from your neighbor's yard or swiped from a cemetery: He's fun loving and impetuous. There'll never be a dull moment with this big gregarious lug.

Stuffed animal (store-bought): It was probably a thoughtless last minute purchase, something he grabbed at the convenience store when he stopped to buy condoms and a box of zinfandel before cruising over to the sorority party.

Stuffed animal (handmade): He adores you and wants to give of himself to win your approval. It may be just a tube sock stuffed with bellybutton lint and pubic hair trimmings with a magic marker face, but to you it will always be your Valentine Weasel. Cherish it as you do the special, special man who made it for you.

Lingerie: William Butler Yeats once wrote, �You need but lift a pearl-pale hand and bind up your hair and sigh; and all men's hearts must burn and beat; and candle-like foam in the dim sand, and stars climbing the dew-dropping sky, live but to light your passing feet.� It is the same sentiment today best articulated with the purchase of crotchless and/or open-nipple attire.

Nothing: Obviously, this is a man that holds you in the highest esteem. He respects you and your integrity. He doesn't try to buy your affection with mere baubles. He knows the feelings you share are so acutely heartfelt they can never be expressed, so he doesn't even try. Nor does he acknowledge those feelings or allude to them. The same way he doesn't speak or often remember your name. Truly, you have found your soulmate. Now be quiet, the game is on.

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