A Recap Of The Summer Movies That I DidnÕt See

When I read reviews of movies IÕve already seen, I often come away thinking, "What in the hell was that writer thinking? The idiot doesnÕt have a clue what the film was about." The bottom and obvious line, though, is that the final call on a movie comes down to subjective opinion. When I walk out of a theater after seeing a movie with friends, thereÕs always about five minutes of silence before one person asks what everybody thought. We then spend the next hour arguing non-stop. Inevitably, everyone has a completely different opinion Ñ- none of them nearly as lucid as my own. Of course, my own opinion probably depends on several variables unrelated to the actual quality of the movie Ñ- where I sit, my general mood at the time, who IÕm with. The first time I saw Citizen Kane, I was on a terrible blind date. The next day I was running around the office citing WellesÕs film as the likely inspiration for Howard the Duck. It took a high-up editor in my office -Ñ pulling me aside, urging me to reconsider my opinion if I ever wanted to review another movie again Ñ- to shut me up. Originally, I had planned on using this piece to recall some of the better movies I have seen this summer. But seeing as most of you would think I didnÕt know what I was talking about anyway, IÕve thrown integrity to the wind and come up with a new approach. Here is a recap of the summer movies that I didnÕt see. I make no bones about it: I havenÕt a clue what IÕm talking about. Twister When I read that this film was rated PG-13 for "its depiction of unusually bad weather," I should have known it wouldnÕt have much going for it. Still, the prospect of a film about tornadoes seemed to have so much potential. I had seen other weather films Ñ- Drizzle (1985) starring Emmanuel Lewis, and Partly Cloudy (1969) with Shirley MacLaine Ñ- and I always felt that the envelope could have been pushed just a bit further. How about a love story based smack in the middle of a terrible blizzard (as opposed to a nice, friendly blizzard), or a tale about how a group of people copes with a really humid day? Twister, however, is not the weather movie I had been waiting for. The filmmakers simply do not respect the audienceÕs intelligence; they rely too heavily on a clich�d approach to tornadoes. Yes, of course tornadoes are windy, but any meteorologist will tell you thereÕs more to them than that. If youÕre truly looking for a realistic film about tornadoes, try the infinitely more riveting French film Le Tw�st�¿�r, on which this American atrocity is based. StripteaseI donÕt understand it. When I was in the fourth grade, my father made a few home movies of me and him naked, and heÕs been over in Bridgewater ever since. When Demi Moore puts her daughter in Striptease, the two split $12 million. The biggest crime of all, though, is what MooreÕs done to literature. It especially hurts me considering IÕm probably the biggest fan of literature in the world at this time. Take The Scarlet Letter. After what Moore did, you might as well just throw out every known copy of the book and banish the story from the world. I suppose no one forced people to see the movie, but then what would we have to complain about? Incredibly, Moore also has the nerve to show up as the voice of Scooby Doo in the animated The Hunchback of Notre Dame. But what sheÕs done to the classic novel Striptease is perhaps the biggest crime of all. The RockThis is an action-packed extravaganza that will have you squealing with delight. A must-see, a top notch thriller, a pumping joyride that will have you on the edge of your seat. An intense Ñ- boy, IÕd love to get in the ad -Ñ often hilarious blockbuster of a movie, from the creators of other awesome action movies, this tour-de-force rocks. Connery is splendid. Cage is ever better. Connery is actually better than Cage. But Cage is great, too! Four stars. Thumbs up. Bring the family. Try to get everyone in on the senior citizen rate!Primal FearThe studio has asked that reviews not reveal too much about this movie. Therefore, all I will say is that Primal Fear stars Richard Gere as a guy involved in some kind of story. The story has a setting, which is somewhere. Things happen to Richard Gere, and Richard Gere does and says certain things. Then, this big thing happens, and then thereÕs an ending. Richard Gere stars.Courage Under FireBased on the CNN mini-series, the Gulf War, it was originally titled Sleepless in Baghdad. Stealing BeautyIf Matthew McConaughey is my absolute favorite male actor, then Liv Tyler tops my list of female actresses. Tyler stands around and acts beautiful with acute skill. And since sheÕs only 18, sheÕll be standing around acting beautiful for many years to come (unless, sheÕs maimed or something of that sort). Even though this movie shows Tyler in all her bare beauty, itÕd be wrong to lump Stealing Beauty in with all the other trash Hollywood has produced. This, you see, is an art film, and is therefore rather deep in nature. Being a really deep person, I found this film grand, and Tyler simply stunning. Since Liv was only 17 when some of the scenes were shot, look for dad Steven Tyler as her stunt double during the love scenes.

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