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What Happened When I Shot a Porn Movie With a Famous Porn Actor

When James Deen tweeted that he was accepting submissions from regular folks like me to film scenes with him I laughingly turned to my coworker and said, "Oh, let's submit!"
 
 
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I made a porn. Well I shot two scenes but porn by any other name is still somebody fucking on camera. Have I always wanted to film a porn? No. I use porn sparingly and only when absolutely necessary. What I'm saying here is when I can't cum I watch a porn. Most of the time I nerd out by reading some sort of erotic fiction involving a woman getting nailed by the bejeweled handle of the sword of the Captain of the Guard but that doesn't always work. When it fails me I turn to the Internet, everyone's best friend/worst enemy. I don't really have any favorites. I prefer two women because that provides what I require visually, otherwise it's heavy on the beej jobs and tons of cum shots through the heart. I suppose I'm an artist in that respect. I need to dig a little deeper.

When James Deen tweeted that he was accepting submissions from regular folks like me to film scenes with him I laughingly turned to my coworker and said, "Oh, let's submit!" I was the only one who submitted.

 

A few hours later I received an email from his model coordinator letting me know I was oh-so-adorable and if it wasn't too last minute could I pop up to New York next weekend to shoot some porn y'all! That's when I realized we were actually talking about porn here. I went back and forth, listing the usual pros and cons:

Pro: Porn!

Con: Porn.

I considered what this could mean for my future as a standup comic, or as a person. I don't have any religious or emotional ties to sex. I don't think I'm going to hell nor do I think you have to be in love to do the deed. You see, if those two factors were really an issue then women wouldn't get wet and men wouldn't get erect unless we were happily married. That's not how the human body works, however, so it seems like we were built for sexual speed as opposed to marital comfort, at least physically. I finally decided to do it for the simple reason of: why not? As a female standup comic, and as a female human being, I've heard all manner of horrible things said about me, most of which are unfounded. People are going to think or say terrible things about you regardless of what you do in life so you might as well have some control over it. I can't stop a man on the street from attempting to secretly undress me using his brain when I walk by, but I can ensure that he has to pay X amount of dollars to actually see it so... voilà! Porn.

It helps that James Deen is what I like to call a bit of a hipster porn star. He is respected both within and outside of the porn community and  feminists the world over really dig him. Why he's even done a  non-pornographic film written by the amazingly talented Bret Easton Ellis and starring the formerly talented Lindsay Lohan. This wouldn't have happened if it was with 95 percent of the men I've seen doing porn... big dicks, bigger stomachs.

The first thing I wanted to do was tell my mother about my plan (this is a great sentence to write immediately after referencing big dicks). My mother is fairly progressive. She's not the inappropriate drinking with her underage children cool mom. She's just very forward-thinking. I knew she wouldn't disapprove and would only be concerned in the way a mom would be in a situation like this. I told her while we were in the car. As I was assuring her that nothing could go wrong, literally as I am uttering the words;  a story came on NPR about a recent HIV outbreak in the porn industry. OH COME ON.

 
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