10 Worst Sex and Relationship Tips From the Christian Right
Stay up to date with the latest headlines via email.
We may have survived yet another war on Christmas. But we must remain vigilant. For the very same secularist, Muslim, homosexualist, communist, atheist freedom-haters who try to take the Christ out of Christmas (and put the melanin into Santa and Jesus) are attacking the very nexus of our entire 2,000-year-old (give or take) Earth: the relationship between man and wife. But have no fear. Below are some handy and holy tips on love, relationships, dating and marriage, which allow you to please yourself (not that way), your mate and your Lord.
1. Girls: shut up. Justin Lookadoo (how sexy is that name!) is a faith-based dating coach, motivational speaker and former juvenile probation officer (killer combo). His books include Dateable: Are You? Are They?, The Dateable Rules and The Dirt on Sex. Lookadoo's website offers the following gems:
- “Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves.”
- Shutting up also prevents girls from doing undateable things like asking boys out.
- “God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle [never thought of that one]. They... let guys be guys. Which means they don't ask him out!!!!!”
Also, a dateable girl "isn't Miss independent."
2. Boys: be wild, but godly, and cover up your ladies. Lookadoo says dateable boys "bring God into it." But that's more fun than it sounds, since "men of God are wild, not domesticated. Dateable guys aren't tamed." But that doesn't mean being too wild: God's dateable guys know "porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up."
3. Share an eating disorder. The Christian Broadcast Network has some (101, to be exact) ideas for " Creative Dates." A few of my favorites are nutrition-related: “Make up a fun diet together,” or “Eat creatively one whole day for $1.18.”
4. Engage in strange, antisocial and alienating behavior. Among the CBN's date ideas are, why not " Kidnap a friend for breakfast ... visit the library and ask the librarian a bizarre question ... develop a new laugh together ... survey the neighborhood with a self-made, bizarre questionnaire ... go to the airport and watch people ... run your own neighborhood day camp for one day."
5. Pretend to be senior citizens. The 101 dating tips above are so fun you'll probably run through them in no time. But don't despair. Focus on the Family has even more great suggestions, including, “Date like you're from the generation older or younger than you actually are. Eat ice cream cones and rollerblade in the park for a date fit for teenagers. If you prefer senior-style fun, eat applesauce, play bingo and watch a black-and-white movie.” While you’re at it, rock some Depends underwear, blast Fox News, and complain about having to keep up with the latest terms for black people.
6. Transcribe the Bible together. If you want to bring religion directly into your date, try out the following Focus on the Family idea: "Find a flat piece of scrap wood and use a permanent marker to write out your favorite Bible verses. Take it to a nearby beach, river or lake and toss it in the water. This may be of great encouragement to whoever finds it later on." Fun for you, fun for your date, and totally creepy for the random person who finds it! What’s not to like?
7. Wives: keep the devil out by submitting. Karen Blake, the author of Do You Hear the Battle Cry? An Essential Handbook for the Wives of Christian Men, has a lot to say about marriage. The bad news is that, "Satan is out to kill your marriage and destroy your ministry." (But we already knew that.) The good news is that "God has given you the tools to defeat him." One of the best Satan-defeating tools is submission: "The devil has worked for centuries to set up a world system that says a strong woman must never submit to a man. It says, "Submission means getting walked on." God clearly commands, "Wives, be subject—be submissive and adapt yourselves—to your own husbands" (Eph. 5:22, Amplified)." As usual, Michele Bachmann is right.