10 Funniest Headlines from the Petraeus Sex Scandal

America's press corps despairedat the fate of their fallen hero, General David Petreaus, when he resigned following revelations of an extra-marital affair with hagiographer Paula Broadwell. Still, they picked themselves up and performed admirably at the difficult task at hand: generating non-stop tawdry coverage as the scandal spread to include a colorful cast of characters including the incomparable Jill Kelley, her shirtless FBI suitor, and a whole different General (and America's massive surveillance state).

AlterNet has assembled 10 of the most inspired, hilarious headlines -- both inadvertently and purposefully -- of the scandal. Enjoy!

1. We hope monuments are erected to this NY Daily News cover, so the rest of the world and future generations can eternally marvel at the American genius on display: 

   2. Wondering what the Iranian media make of this? Eskandar Sadeghi-Boroujerdi, writing for the Al-Monitor affiliated Iran Pulse, translated one newspaper's efforts to grapple with the CIA soap opera. Looks like they had the most accurate take on the troubles facing the agency, encapsulating the mess with the following headline: When the Terrible Organization kneels before a woman! Other great excerpts from the piece:

Paula Broadwell for close to ten years cooperated with the American military forces. Even though she has a husband and two children, but she enthralled herself to militarism and was present in countries like Afghanistan following Petraeus who was at the time the American commander in Afghanistan … If we look at the course of the lives of the past leaders and managers of the CIA it can be seen to be full of these type of people in positions of power with a brutal soul.

3. Meanwhile, the right-wing hardliners at the National Review seemingly looked for guidance from the Bible, which is, to their credit, even more sexually tawdry than this scandal: "Petraeus's Bathsheba Syndrome"

Who was Bathsheba and how many generals did she screw? From the article:

David seduces Bathsheba, the wife of Uriah the Hittite, and impregnates her. He later orders that Uriah be placed in the front ranks of the fighting, where Uriah is killed. Upon word of his death, David marries Bathsheba. God is displeased and sends the prophet Nathan to rebuke the king, who repents but is nonetheless punished by the death of his and Bathsheba’s child, and by the later civil war arising from the insurrection Absalom (David’s beloved third son) leads against David.

The authors are actually referencing the so-called "Bathsheba syndrome." It's when the military leaders deemed our superhuman overlords by an obseqious media self-destruct over something as small and human as getting laid, because they feel invincible.   4. Pat Robertson, meanwhile, seemed to draw inspiration from the timeless teachings of Axe commercials, saying that Petreaus shared none of the blame because 'a good-looking woman' had gone after him. Robertson's lax attitude towards sexual mores inspired the following headline from Outside the Beltway:  Pat Robertson: L’Affaire Petraeus The Fault Of That Hussy Paula Broadwell  5.The NY Post threw down the gauntlet early with this gem:     6. Not to be outmatched, the Daily News brought out the big puns:     7.Someone give this editor a raise!  Central infidelity agency: Petraeus' fall from grace  8. The Daily Mail brought important historical context to the controversy: 'You'll be in awe of me after my nose job': What glamorous housewife at centre of Petraeus scandal told high school friends who taunted her over he looks?"  9.And ABC brought us this exciting late-breaking development: Petraeus Paramour Paula Broadwell's Lost License Found in DC Park

Militaristic aduterers, they're just like us!

 

10. Let's end on a sexy note, via, again, the NY Post: