10 of the Most Loathsome People Living in America
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The following is a selection from the Buffalo Beast's Top 50 Most Loathsome Americans list. A funny annual tradition, the Beast shares its charges for why an individual is loathsome, shares a piece of smoking gun evidence, and offers a possible punishment.
Charges: Jamming gaydar everywhere with a love of pastels and a lispy slobber-mouth that looks to crave more than toes. As a close Clinton adviser, Morris is as responsible as anyone in transforming Democrats into a moderate wing of the Republican party, and thereby shifting the GOP toward extremism. During the election, however, it was Morris’s poll-stroking Romney delusions that confirmed he’s a man living in total denial.
Smoking Gun: “We’re gonna win in a landslide.”
Sentence: Forced to play Dorothy in a “Golden Girls” reboot.
Charges: Humiliating himself as Donald Trump’s dancing business-monkey. Featured on a not-so-secret list of sexist creepers within the skeptic/atheist community. He’s an intolerably smug know-it-all who actually knows very little. A devout Randroid and Glenn Beck fan, he’s to the rationalist movement what John Wayne Gacey was to clowns. His thankfully defunct, eponymously titled show “Bullshit,” operated under the tired formula of dirty hippy debates CATO Institute whore, and we learn that second-hand smoke is as safe as Gerbers. Magic! The Anti-Lorax, Jillette’s an environment-hating bafoon who denied anthropogenic global warming until as late as 2008–because he was too scared of the “political climate.” At least Teller has the decency to never speak.
Smoking Gun: “Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness.”
Sentence: Forced at government gunpoint to work as Trump’s hair illusionist.
Charges: A convincing argument against the 1st and 5th Amendments, this walking combover needs to just shut the fuck up and die already. The comsumate huckster, and sufferer of verbal dysentary, his countless transgressions defy cataloguing. So I’ll spare you everything save for his moronic ploy to gain Obama’s passport and college records in exchange for a $5 million charity donation. Insult to racist injury, the video announcement was so low rent that he looked like an 8mm-shot Boehner/Oompa Loompa with a digruntled squirel on his head.
Smoking Gun: So awful he makes Mark Cuban seem awesome.
Sentence: Shut the fuck up and die already.
Charges: “America’s Sheriff” (in the way rat vomit is “America’s Snack Food”) has a long history of racism, prisoner abuse, and protecting pedophiles, but last year his low-rent Wyatt Earp routine turned overtly cartoonish. In a blatant effort to distract from an investigation into his illegally misspending nearly $100 million on immigrant roundups and spying programs, Arpaio launched the “Cold Case Posse”–meant to finally expose Obama’s Manchurian Presidency. The citizen “posse” determined the President’s birth certificate to be fraudulent, and then, as you remember, Obama was removed from office and Arpiao was given the Golden Key to Fantasy City for not totally wasting everyone’s time.
Smoking Gun: “At the very least, I can tell you this, based on all of the evidence presented and investigated, I cannot in good faith report to you that these documents are authentic.”
Sentence: Imprisoned in a tent city, made to wear pink panties, stuffed with candy, disguised as a pig pinata, and beaten mercilessly by Edward James Almos dressed as Captain Adama.
Charges: The hardest-blowing blowhard in a media landscape littered with windbags. And he knows it. Every second of it. Every lie. Every distortion. Every racial and sexual dogwhistle, it’s blown through a smirk connoting he knows he’s the biggest, fattest, carnival-barking swindler of our bileous age, capable of conning millions into believing he possesses any principles beyond self-aggrandizing greed.