10 of the Most Loathsome People Living in America
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The following is a selection from the Buffalo Beast's Top 50 Most Loathsome Americans list. A funny annual tradition, the Beast shares its charges for why an individual is loathsome, shares a piece of smoking gun evidence, and offers a possible punishment.
Charges: Jamming gaydar everywhere with a love of pastels and a lispy slobber-mouth that looks to crave more than toes. As a close Clinton adviser, Morris is as responsible as anyone in transforming Democrats into a moderate wing of the Republican party, and thereby shifting the GOP toward extremism. During the election, however, it was Morris’s poll-stroking Romney delusions that confirmed he’s a man living in total denial.
Smoking Gun: “We’re gonna win in a landslide.”
Sentence: Forced to play Dorothy in a “Golden Girls” reboot.
Charges: Humiliating himself as Donald Trump’s dancing business-monkey. Featured on a not-so-secret list of sexist creepers within the skeptic/atheist community. He’s an intolerably smug know-it-all who actually knows very little. A devout Randroid and Glenn Beck fan, he’s to the rationalist movement what John Wayne Gacey was to clowns. His thankfully defunct, eponymously titled show “Bullshit,” operated under the tired formula of dirty hippy debates CATO Institute whore, and we learn that second-hand smoke is as safe as Gerbers. Magic! The Anti-Lorax, Jillette’s an environment-hating bafoon who denied anthropogenic global warming until as late as 2008–because he was too scared of the “political climate.” At least Teller has the decency to never speak.
Smoking Gun: “Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness.”
Sentence: Forced at government gunpoint to work as Trump’s hair illusionist.
Charges: A convincing argument against the 1st and 5th Amendments, this walking combover needs to just shut the fuck up and die already. The comsumate huckster, and sufferer of verbal dysentary, his countless transgressions defy cataloguing. So I’ll spare you everything save for his moronic ploy to gain Obama’s passport and college records in exchange for a $5 million charity donation. Insult to racist injury, the video announcement was so low rent that he looked like an 8mm-shot Boehner/Oompa Loompa with a digruntled squirel on his head.
Smoking Gun: So awful he makes Mark Cuban seem awesome.
Sentence: Shut the fuck up and die already.
Charges: “America’s Sheriff” (in the way rat vomit is “America’s Snack Food”) has a long history of racism, prisoner abuse, and protecting pedophiles, but last year his low-rent Wyatt Earp routine turned overtly cartoonish. In a blatant effort to distract from an investigation into his illegally misspending nearly $100 million on immigrant roundups and spying programs, Arpaio launched the “Cold Case Posse”–meant to finally expose Obama’s Manchurian Presidency. The citizen “posse” determined the President’s birth certificate to be fraudulent, and then, as you remember, Obama was removed from office and Arpiao was given the Golden Key to Fantasy City for not totally wasting everyone’s time.
Smoking Gun: “At the very least, I can tell you this, based on all of the evidence presented and investigated, I cannot in good faith report to you that these documents are authentic.”
Sentence: Imprisoned in a tent city, made to wear pink panties, stuffed with candy, disguised as a pig pinata, and beaten mercilessly by Edward James Almos dressed as Captain Adama.
Charges: The hardest-blowing blowhard in a media landscape littered with windbags. And he knows it. Every second of it. Every lie. Every distortion. Every racial and sexual dogwhistle, it’s blown through a smirk connoting he knows he’s the biggest, fattest, carnival-barking swindler of our bileous age, capable of conning millions into believing he possesses any principles beyond self-aggrandizing greed.
Smoking Gun: Just turn on the radio.
Sentence: Eaten alive by conflicted vegans.
Charges: A beligerent mansplainer whose self-parodying idiocy renders Stephen Colbert redundant. Of all the paleopundits who trusted their “gut” over basic math, Scarborough’s face bore the biggest election omelette. The beedy-eyed mythbuster of a media meritocracy, Scarborough’s commitment to the Republican War on Reality makes even vanilla news-tumor Willie Geist seem like Walter Cronkite.
Smoking gun: “Anybody that thinks that this race is anything but a tossup right now is such an ideologue, they should be kept away from typewriters, computers, laptops and microphones for the next 10 days, because they’re jokes.”
Sentence: Chosen to test pilot a space shuttle built by engineers who prefer gut instinct to mathematics.
Charges: The Internet’s answer to William Randolph Hearst, his only crediblity comes from one sperm-related scoop 15 years ago, and a surname that makes him sound like an old-timey muckracker. He’s the shamelessly hungry middle segment in the human centipede between GOP operatives and vapid talking heads, constantly swallowing and shitting a stream of propaganda that would make Goebbels cringe.
Smoking Gun: Falsely claimed Obama ditched Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to meet with a parrot-totting pirate in an eye patch. True.
Sentence: Breitbart sidewalk faceplant.
Charges: Compulsively lying, arrested adolescent Muppet whose sheltered mind is still blown byAtlas Shrugged and Stairway to Heaven. The Uri Geller of economics, he managed to bend the will of MSM patsies like Ezra Klein into portraying him as a credible policy wonk, rather than what he truly is: a two-bit illusionist who wants to disappear grandma’s Medicare and Social Security money and make it reappear in the pockets of the rich wankers he secretly wishes would rape him in a rock quarry.
Smoking Gun: Even Fox News said Ryan’s RNC performance “was an apparent attempt to set the world record for the greatest number of blatant lies and misrepresentations slipped into a single political speech.”
Sentence: So inspired by Rand’s The Fountainhead, he buys a home designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. A slight rain causes the roof to collapse. A stout beam caves in his widow’s peak. His final, bloody gasp: “Ellsworth Toohey was right…”
Charges: As the NRA’s well-paid CEO of death (and thinly veiled fear of brown people), it’s his role to obscure the very basic fact that more guns equals more gun violence–by any cognitively dissonent means necessary. In the ’90s, he called federal agents jack-booted Nazis in a fundraising letter, yet in his preposterous Sandy Hook speech he implored Congress to post armed guards at every school in the nation. In pure Alex Jones fashion, he once accused President Clinton of needing a certain level of gun violence to justify the assault weapons ban–which the NRA was keen to shoot full of holes. Asinine rhetoric about gun-free zones advertising massacre, violent video games, TV and movies aside, it’s the annual multi-million dollar lobbying efforts painting Smith & Wesson as benevolent job creators which cows even alleged democrats like Harry Reid. And with two recent PR blunders–a commercial slamming Obama’s “hypocrisy” for having armed Secret Service agents protect his daughters, and a shoot-’em-up app marketed to 4 year-olds!–LaPierre came off more tone-deaf than the early audition stage of “American Idol.”
Smoking Gun: “There exists in this country, sadly, a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and stows violence against its own people through vicious and violent video games.”
Sentence: Arms and legs shot off by a semi-automatic deer.
Charges: The first openly gaseous presidential candidate, his pandering could fill any ideological container. In Michigan, the trees were just the right height; in Israel, Jerusalem was their rightful capitol; and on Univision, the guy actually wore brownface! Trashing 47% of the country for being leeches was the only honest moment of his campaign. Just an outright charlatan whose private sector experience was in publicizing debt, but whose presidential race began with debt fearmongering. Basically, he would’ve told the American voters he’d kill Hitler with his time-travelling Mormon cock if he thought it would’ve played in Ohio.
Smoking Gun: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”
Sentence: Exiled to planet Kolob.