I’m just as happy as anybody to be seeing less of Kimberly Guilfoyle now that Don Jr. has dumped her. The way she walked around with her dinners hanging out all the time was tacky. That said, she didn’t deserve to be publicly humiliated by the likes of Don Jr. The paps grabbed a pic of him running from his new girlfriend’s house toward his comically large (“I’m not over-compensating, YOU’RE over-compensating”) pick-up truck and I did feel a pang of sympathy for Kim. They’d been engaged for years, not long after Don Jr. left his wife and five kids on account of boring. Kim dutifully spent years doing the happy scream and getting her lips blown up, but she still couldn’t close the deal.

The why is obvious: She was replaced by a much younger Palm Beach blueblood named Bettina Anderson, who is gorgeous and flat-chested in that “breasts are for people who never owned polo ponies” kinda way, an especially cruel blow for Kim, who spent years spackling her face into place and pumping up her parts.

Any woman who’s ever been dumped could see this coming a mile away. Don Jr. is a silly, shallow manboy who wants desperately to please his daddy. Kimberly Guilfoyle was perfect, until she wasn’t. A respected DA from the West Coast, she forgot all that stuff and went all-in with a creepy family that would never love her back.

But maybe she was right, after all. “THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!” she famously screamed at us until our ears bled and, honestly, I think it’s true in her new life. Yeah, the rest of us are screwed but, plot twist, Kim’s gonna be OK.

To show his appreciation for years of service to his boneheaded son, Donald Josephus Trump announced Kim would be the new U.S. Ambassador to Greece! Like yesterday. Git along lil dogie. Off ya go!

Heck. I got dumped back in the day and the “onliest” thing I got out of my three-year investment was a “pre-engagement ring” from JC Penney’s that had a total carat weight the pawn shop guy assured me was “not definable.”

Had no idea parting-gift ambassadorships were even a thing.

So, good on Kimmy for hanging in there long enough to get a new gig that will put her in proximity to oligarchs and whatnot. She’ll be slinging those dinners all over some magnate’s mega yacht before you can say “NDA? Sure, Daddy, where do I sign?”

Meanwhile over at Mar-a-Lago, Page Six reported Don Jr. and Bettina were seen canoodling in the buffet line while perusing the desserts. OK, wait. You pay a million bucks to join this club, and you have to stand in a buffet line? Is there a guy with “good” and “evil” knuckle tatts and a hairnet screaming “MEAT???” like the one at my favorite cafeteria? Please say yes. Seriously, please. Because journalism is hard sometimes, Page Six dutifully reported Don Jr. recommended the fried dough dessert.

OK, can someone please tell him his daddy’s fixing to deport anybody who knows how to make a decent churro? Also, I hate to beat a dead polo pony here but what kind of exclusive club is this? Buffets? Fried dough for dessert? Is the cocktail bar a still?

If so, let’s grab a coupla Mason jars and toast the departure of Kim Guilfoyle from our battered national psyche. You go, girl. Seriously. Go.

Read more of Celia Rivenbark’s “Celia Dishes” columns and subscribe to and support her work by clicking here.

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com.

Leave it to Donald Jehosephat Trump to come up with the perfect name for his new cologne and perfume line: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! It’s really quite extraordinary isn’t it? Trump can develop and market a new fragrance line at the same time he has pledged to end, like, all the wars and stuff. How does he do it?!?

The packaging isn’t subtle. No milky glass stopper shaped like a mythic creature or a chicken thigh depending on your angle of view. Nope. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT features a photo of Trump raising his fist on that fateful day when his earlobe was assassinated!

I imagine the new cologne has notes not so much of “birch, pinecone and herbaceous forest floor,” to use typically overwrought perfume parlance. No, no. I expect the fragrance is more reminiscent of whatever was pourin’ out of Josh Hawley’s pits on Jan. 6 as he sprinted away from the fray. And immigrant tears, of course. Lots and lots of those.

Ever the marketing stable genius, Trump managed to sidle up to a helpless Jill Biden long enough to get his picture taken with her in Paris last weekend so he could immediately post the pic on his social media captioned: “A Fragrance Your Enemies Can’t Resist!” Although, to be fair, the look on Jill’s face was less “Oh, my! You smell amazing Mr. Almost President!” and more “Oh, dear. Is there a gut wagon passing by?”

Because he’s apparently already solved the whole Russia/Ukraine kerfuffle (Yay!!!!) Trump felt comfy taking a moment out of his super busy Almost President schedule to hawk his new fragrances as “Great Christmas gifts for the family.”

The FAMILY???? Sorry, little Susie. I know you had your heart set on Santa bringing you that Barbie Dreamhouse Pool Party Doll House but, lookit, don’t be such a selfish lil bish. You’ll be the envy of the third grade playground if you splash on FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Same goes for you, little Bobby. Tell Santa all you want is FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT cologne. Sure, it’s $199 a bottle (because $200 would’ve been crazy, amiright?) but how else are you going to pay millions owed in legal fees? Not you, Bobby. I’m talking about Trump. You’re not really much of a patriot, are you kid?

I’m assuming Trump was wearing a heavy dose of FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT as he leaned over Mrs. Macron’s mysteriously empty chair and Jill Biden’s eyes inexplicably watered.

Was the cologne burning her eyes or was she misting up as she was reminded Trump was going to be president. Again. In either case, tears seem like a perfectly logical response.

Read more of Celia Rivenbark’s “Celia Dishes” columns and subscribe to and support her work by clicking here.

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com.

NOW READ: We're watching the largest and most dangerous 'cult' in American history

“Hi friend, you got time for a quick convo?”

“Ginni Thomas, is that you? I’ve been wondering when you might reach out to me. We Supreme Court Justice wives gotta stick together.”

“True that, Martha-Ann. I can’t believe Sammy threw you under the bus like that, saying it was your idea to put the upside-down flag in the yard.”

“It wasn’t a lie. That witch down the street went TOO far putting up that hateful sign about President Trump with the bad word on it. That flag means we—I mean, I—believe the 2020 election was rigged.”

“Yeah, about that. It’s like my Clare-Bear’s always saying: Don’t give ‘em the pleasure of a reaction. Why if I had a private yacht for every time Clarence got accused of behaving unethically… he just acts like he doesn’t hear it. To him it’s just background noise, like the screams of a million women bleeding out from treatable complications of an unviable pregnancy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

“Uhhhh, yeah, OK. But it’s just so hard. I’m still not over Sammy’s confirmation hearing back in 2006! Remember how I ran out crying because they were making him sound like a monster?”

“Sure, I do. Wait. I’ve got another call coming in. Oh. It’s Nadine Menendez. I told her I’d be talking to you today. I think y’all will have a lot in common!”

“OK, Ginni, any friend of yours is…”

“Probably a paste-eating conspiracy theorist with a room-temp IQ and a penchant for strangling baby songbirds?”

“I was going to say fine upstanding Christian!”

“I’m just messing with you! That’s the kinda stuff we gals have to rise above. Look at the big picture! OK, here’s Nadine!”

“Hi Ginni! Hi Martha-Ann! It’s good to be able to talk to y’all, especially since it seems like me and Martha-Ann have both been ratted out by our husbands!”

“Yeah, Clarence would never do that to me. I mean despite the fact that I lead the “Stop the Steal” campaign to overturn the 2020 election results, he never sold me out. You ladies deserve a man like that! Nadine, I’m sorry about Bob using the “my wife did all this” as his defense in court. So tacky.”

“It was low even for him. We’ve only been married four years. Wonder how he can blame me for his first indictment in 2015!”

“Nadine? Ginni and I were wondering about the gold bars they found all over your house…”

“Oh, I just thought that was some tacky backsplash tile his ex left behind.”

“Really?!”

“Of course not. Whoa. You really are a naïve girl, Martha-Ann. And, I don’t mean to be rude, but those pictures of your yard…why are y’all living in a house that has brick on the front and siding everywhere else? Nobody can accuse Sammy Alito of being on the take, that’s for sure!”

“Uh-oh. You made her cry, Nadine!”

“Apologies. But I just don’t know how you can be that famous and live in a (shudder) cul de sac. He’s a Supreme Court Justice, for heaven’s sake, not the assistant manager at Olive Garden!”

“Hmmmph! At least we don’t have cash from foreign favors stashed all over our home. My Sam has integrity, which is something Bob Menendez doesn’t understand!

“Duh. Why do you think I married him? I told him there was a fortune to be made if he’d just trade on his position in the Senate by doing favors for foreign governments. We got hundreds of thousands in gifts. And our bricks go all the way around our house!”

“OK, now you made her cry again. Nadine, you’re a mean girl. I think we’re going to become very good friends. Honestly, Martha-Ann is kind of a snooze…”

“I’m still on the line, you know! I can HEAR you.”

“OK, this is awkward.”

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.

Newly anointed RNC co-chair Lara Trump’s recent impassioned plea for folks to donate money, even if they currently don’t have any, would make P.T. Barnum blush.

“If you can’t afford a donation today,” said Lara, looking sleek and sophisticated in a dress that probably cost more than my car, “I ask that you save it for a later date. But if you could donate even as much as five dollars, it will go a long way.”

Here’s Lara Trump, metaphorically unfolding her tiny cardboard sign while standing on a median in the rain. If you don’t have even five bucks to donate, save up! You can do this! The young’uns can eat mayonnaise sandwiches for another month. Meemaw can skip a week of heart pills. For the love of all that’s holy, a BILLIONAIRE needs you to do your part! How can you sit idly by, selfishly keeping your lights on so you can heat some Dollar Tree Manwich on your one-working-burner stove?

Y’all disgust me. You can’t see me right now but I’m making the exact same face Trump would make if he ever heard Lara call him her “father in love.”

Do you seriously expect a (self) important billionaire like Donald Trump to pay his own astronomical legal bills for his many trials for his many-er misdeeds? Have you no compassion for this man who brags nonstop of his immense wealth? How is he supposed to sustain that lavish lifestyle without Other People’s Money?

Oh. You saw the golden toilets and now you expect him to pay his own bills? Well, you’re a monster is all I can figure out.

Unlike those downer ASPCA ads asking for donations, Lara Trump’s tone remains upbeat during the “ask.” Ironically, she’s obviously excited about the Biden economy: Five dollars will go a long way! Apparently, somebody loves growth envied by the rest of the world, eye-popping job gains, cooled inflation, record low unemployment and a booming stock market. (Yes, Fox News viewers, it’s true. Now back to your regularly scheduled “Let’s scare the hell outta anyone wanting to visit NYC.”)

Yes! Feel good about that five dollars but if you take a whack at the kids’ piggybanks you might bump it up to seven or eight dollars. THE CHILDREN SHOULDN’T BE EXEMPT! A billionaire is in need, and they can wait another year for a bicycle. Selfish parents beget selfish children. It’s hammer time!

I haven’t seen this kind of shameless, but utterly predictable, money-grabbing since I attended a tent revival years ago. The shiny-suited TV evangelist had preached a stemwinder for an hour or so, but it was time to shake down the faithful. With the organ music getting louder and louder (take note, Lara) he wiped his brow dramatically and assured us the money collected that sultry Southern evening would “go a long way.”

He told the assembled flock, primed and ready for fleecing, that if they’d sign over their paychecks (it was Friday in a textile town), they’d be “rewarded in heaven.” And people did it. I saw them. With my own eyes.

There’s an old saying, “Charity begins at home” that Lara Trump might want to pay attention to. I’m thinking of the roughly $500,000 donated to Trump’s campaign that was spent on Melania’s hairdresser and a fashion “advisor.” So far, a whopping $50 million donated to Trump’s 2024 campaign has gone directly to his lawyers.

It’s got to stick in the craw of even the most fervent supporter to know their hard-earned cash paid for Melania to find out whether she was a “spring” or “really more of a fall.”

At least with the Bible hawking you (eventually) get something tangible for your donation. Something you can put on display in your home and point to with…your finger. What? You thought I’d say “pride?” C’mon.

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.

Many years ago, a friend overheard me grouse about being called to jury duty. Not to worry, he said, offering his “foolproof plan for evading civic responsibility.”

His advice was…interesting.

“When they start asking you questions, just sit there in the jury box and appear to tie a small hangman’s noose the whole time. If that fails to get their attention, consider responding to every question with “I AM THE ARM AND SWORD OF THE LORD!”

He assured me these would work during “voir dire” which is Latin for “tryna find at least a dozen people that don’t use their meat fork for a backscratcher.” Kidding. That’s just in Alabama.

Sadly, we’ll never know if these admittedly loony ideas would’ve worked because a jury of responsible citizens not tying nooses and babbling crazy talk was seated before my number came up. I was released from the jury pool to swim home and ponder how I’d spend the eight dollars I was paid for my “service.” And, yes, I think we can all agree I was overpaid.

I was young and busy back in those days. Now I am neither. I’ve always thought when it comes to serving on a jury, they have it exactly backward. You shouldn’t be eligible until you’re old, not exempted because you’re old. We have time for this stuff. Don’t send a summons to a nursing mother with a part-time job, a husband who wouldn’t work in a pie factory and twins in kindergarten. That’s just mean. But older folks? Put us in Coach. Plus, I can’t speak for others, but I get judgier every year so let’s just say I’ve got this.

The time has come. I’m ready to fulfill my duty wherever and however necessary. Therefore, I can think of no greater service I could provide my country than to serve on the jury for Donald Trump’s criminal case in which he is accused of paying $130,000 to a porn star with a nifty lady wrassler name so she’d keep quiet about their affair.

This trial, with jury selection beginning as I write these words, lacks the, well, murders in the Murdaugh trial that so captivated the nation last year. And Trump’s trial won’t have the TMZ tea-spillin’ wackadoodle lure of Johnny Depp’s trial back in 2022—so many captivating characters—and there is a total and complete exhaustion with the subject but…it’s the hand we’ve been dealt so let’s go with it.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m eligible to serve. For starters I’m not a New York resident. And there’s that Facebook profile pic of me appearing to crotch-grab the Trump balloon when it visited my hometown. (“When you’re powerful, the balloon likes it.”) That could indicate a bias against the defendant. Not to mention “People’s Exhibits A-infinity,” a list of approximately 208 newspaper columns in which I’ve referred to Trump alternately as a “malevolent toddler,” “Orange Foolius,” “Dumbelldore,” “Trumplethinskin,” “Mar-a-lardo” etc. etc.

I can’t imagine where they’ll find any New Yorker unfamiliar with the case so they may have to go a little farther afield. I’m thinking…Saturn?

The judge won’t allow cameras, so we’ll once again be treated to some truly ghastly drawings of all the players. I’m no fan of Trump but the sketch artists who have drawn him in previous legal proceedings appear to be failed caricaturists from some of the nation’s lesser-known beach boardwalks using dry-erase markers that have been missing their tops since the ‘90s.

Are they paid per bag etched beneath the eyes of the prosecutors? The defense lawyers all appear to possess a positively cruel number of facial warts and rheumy eyes. If I do get on a jury one day, I’m going to demand no sketch “artists.” If they balk, I’ll dust off that arm and sword of the Lord line. That’ll work.

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.

I ran into my friend “Biff the Fi-Guy” last week and asked him to explain how a company that has steadily posted losses can get another company to merge with it, trade on the stock exchange with a new name and end up making billions of dollars for, well, Donald J. Trump.

Me: Biff, I just don’t get it. I mean I’ve looked at Truth Social from both sides now…

Biff: From up and down and still somehow?

Me: Arrrgh. Be serious, Biff. I don’t get how Trump’s failing social media company can somehow be worth billions simply by merging with a shell corporation that has been sued by some of its major shareholders.

Biff: Ah, yes. Digital World Acquisition, a corporation that doesn’t make anything or have any employees. Most shells don’t even have a dedicated office; think of it as an informal place for prospective investors to “park” money.

Me: Sorta like Satriale’s Pork Store in “The Sopranos”? Because that’s what I’m picturing. Also, the “world acquisition” part sounds a tad overlordy to me.

Biff: That’s because you’re a liberal and all of you are paranoid. No one wants to take over the world except…Uh-oh. Maybe you’re on to something here…

Me: Focus, Biff. I’m asking how can something that isn’t making money and lost $50 million last year somehow make several billion dollars for Trump right outta the gate? It’s all very smoke and mirrors to me, about as real as his made-up golf scores.

Biff: ALLEDGEDLY made-up golf scores. Nobody actually saw Eric spring from behind a tree and replace the ball Pops hit in the sand trap with one right smack on the green, just inches from the hole. For example.

Me: We’re getting off topic here. I guess I’m not sure whether Trump’s a lizard-brain genius or the whole system is so corrupt that decent, hardworking folk will never get ahead.

Biff: Well, two things can be true at the same time. Don’t go cryin’ into your fair-trade, non-GMO honey almond milk flat white. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Remember GameStop? Little game store in the mall that had a weird Blockbuster vibe? Looked like it was going under but turns out there was a cult following that rescued GameStop and punished the hedge funds hoping to feast on its carcass. So to speak.

Me: That’s some mighty vivid imagery from a fi-guy.

Biff: Hey, you’re the one who mentioned Satriale’s.

Me: OK, so you’re saying the MAGA crowd is happy to invest in all things Trump and this latest is no exception. Sure, that works for a while but it’s not sustainable, right?

Biff: You liberals. Always with the “sustainable.” Of course it’s not sustainable. But that doesn’t matter to Trump because he sells his 79 million shares and gets out of the whole thing with a huge profit! Ain’t America great?

Me: Wow. A money-losing social media company with a fraction of the market ends up making billions for…nothing at all. At least with those Trump NFTs with digital “art” depicting him dressed like a ripped space warrior or those sad gold-colored sneakers you got…OK, again, nothing at all.

Biff: Hey, stop being so judgy. You wanna talk crazy? How about these “influencers” that make big money just sittin’ in their cars slopping down sub sandwiches and telling you which one has the best mayo.

Me: I know. I still haven’t figured out how somebody gets rich by asking folks on the street where they got their clothes. It just doesn’t seem like a real job, right?

Biff: Hmmm? Oh, yeah. Hey, does this tie go with my steering wheel? I’m going to do a tight 20 on the Shamrock Shake for my Insta so we need to wrap this up. If you can’t beat ‘em…”

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.

It has been said the most reliable indicator that Donald Trump is lying during a speech is when he begins a story by saying “He (or she) said to me, Sir…” Weird but true.

In Trump’s mind, everyone from Generals on down approaches him with what can best be described as a kind of simpering deference. Something on the order of: “Sir, how do you remain so popular and beloved and also, quick sidebar, have you lost weight?”

Daniel Dale, a political factchecker for CNN, compares it to a “tell” in poker. Dale, who also fact-checks Biden and other office holders and candidates, discovered the “Sir” as preface to flat-out fabrication during Trump’s presidency. In one memorable case, video disproved Trump’s meandering “Sir” story about people crying behind him at the signing of a bill. No tears. Never happened.

READ: I went to CPAC as an anthropologist — and what I saw was shocking

Remembering this, I was waiting for the “Sir” moment like it was a drinking game listening to Trump’s campaign speech in South Carolina last week.

It didn’t take long. Trump was beating a familiar drum about countries who don’t pay their fair share to participate in NATO.

“One of the presidents of a big country stood up and said, “Sir, if we don’t pay (NATO) and we’re attacked by Russia, will you protect us?” I said, “You didn’t pay. You’re delinquent…No, I would not protect you. In fact, I would encourage (Russia) to do whatever the hell they want. You gotta pay. You gotta pay your bills.”

Whoa. Trump’s tone was Old Testament bad guy, with the preface of “Sir” evoking a sniveling sap groveling for mercy. Alas, “sir” was fresh out.

Also, just spitballing here, but I’m pretty sure inviting Russia to do whatever the hell it wants to our NATO allies sounds reliably, uh, crazy.

Even Putin must’ve spit out his borscht on that one.

The unnamed president of the “big country” had been given a life lesson in financial integrity by one Donald J. Trump! Take that to the bank!

You don’t pay your bills in full and on time? Don’t expect Trump to bail you out with a payment plan. Who do you think you’re dealing with? That drive-time radio show softie Dave Ramsey? Think again. You haven’t paid what you owe so now Vlad can do with you and your “big country” whatever he wants with Trump’s blessing.

What a hardliner!

What a tough guy!

What a hypocrite!

Surely even Trump loyalists cringed a bit at this coming from a man who has spent a lifetime being sued by hundreds of contractors for failing to pay them what he owed. I’m thinking about the $70 million owed to 253 contractors on just one Atlantic City Trump property. Truth is, “Sir” has stiffed thousands of workers in dozens of trades for decades.

“You didn’t pay. You’re delinquent.”

Sadly, for the contractors, many of them ran small businesses and had to take out loans to pay their workers after Trump failed to pay his bills. Eventually, many went out of business.

The grift was shockingly simple.

The job would be completed but it would be deemed “subpar” on the walk-through, so payment was withheld. If they tried to fight it, Trump would just “see ‘em in court.” Of course, most couldn’t handle years of litigation, so they gave up or settled for pennies on the dollar. What an artful dealer!

It’s not just contractors and the trades that got screwed over. Trump has been sued for not paying overtime to servers working at his Miami golf resort, has filed corporate bankruptcy numerous times, and owed $1.6 million to media platform Truth Social after inexplicably making only the first three payments like he was using EZ pay on QVC.

Fact: Blowhard lectures on financial responsibility from “Sir” are tougher to swallow than an old Trump steak.

NOW READ: The most corrupt Supreme Court in the world and the Trump coup

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.

Dear Lauren Boebert,

Cop a squat and let’s chat. First off, I get it. I was raised rural, and I know how it’s almost impossible to resist a man who spells his name exotically like your ex, Jayson. (I’m thinking “Brandin,” “Trystan” and most definitely “Jordyn.”)

Weirdly spelled boy names are a redneck girl’s catnip is all I’m saying. But girl. You can’t be having a private Sadday night dinner in a sit-down restaurant with your EX-HUSBAND because you know as well as I do he’s easy to rile. He’s got that professional wrestler neck and you can tell he’s fixin’ to go off when the veins start poppin’. So, yeah, of course he’s gonna show his tail and get arrested and have to pay a big ol’ fine that could’ve been better spent buying more guns for the grandbaby, right?

Lauren—may I call you Nutball?—things don’t work out when you date in public. I get it. You’re newly single and you’ve forgotten how people act on a date. That’s why I’ll give you a pass for that unfortunate Beetlejuice groping-and-vaping incident a few months back. But that doesn’t mean you go out with your extremely intoxicated creepy ex again! There are lots of fish in the sea! At least for now but climate change could end all that. What’s that? It’s snowing in Colorado so “global warming” is a hoax the Dems use to scare decent folk? Bless your heart.

Nutball, I know a high-profile evangelical like you can’t just hop on Hinge to find a man. Your old ride-or-die, Marjorie Taylor Greene, also recently divorced, is having a tough time of it, too. She can’t hardly go anywhere without pulling out nekkid pictures of Hunter Biden to show everybody which is a cry for help if you ask me.

It’s not just the whole dating nightmare stuff, Nutball. Now you’re complaining to anybody who will listen about how you’re being chased out of your own House district by Ryan Reynolds.

Oh, you WISH you were being chased anywhere by Ryan Reynolds. Maybe because of your current man trouble, you’re hypersensitive to a movie star donating money to your Congressional opponent. But you can’t crow about freedom and then whine about who gives money to whom on Steve Bannon’s pretend TV show. (Think Easy-Bake Oven but with Nazi undertones.) Besides, you take plenty of money from the gun lobby. That’s your right. That said, if I had to choose between taking money from the “Thoughts and Prayers” cabal or the star of “Deadpool,” pretty sure you know who I’d go with.

Also, what’s this business of running for re-election in a new district? You should remember the old saying: “Dance with the one that brung ya.” If you were really “mama grizzly” tough, you wouldn’t be chased out of your home district by Barbra Streisand’s paltry $1,500 donation to your opponent. You can’t stop talking about it and all I can think is, $1,500? She lives at Malibu! Also, she’s Barbra Streisand! Talk about cheap. That amount wouldn’t pay for the pointer finger of Babs’ legendary nail regimen!

I know your mind’s made up about running in a district less inclined to accept movie star money but, where’s your backbone? Kidding. It’s probably just tossed into the Congressional coat closet with all the others. It’d be easier to find Elon’s soul.

Your new district isn’t very excited about your big move because they don’t want all the drama.

“We just want to focus on the everyday issues that affect Coloradans,” one voter told a reporter. Adorbs, right?

Meanwhile, your ex is runnin’ around using bad grammar per usual and irritating the snot outta you.

Nutball, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you can do better. Not Ryan Reynolds better but, yeah, better.

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.

With the recent death of Matthew Perry, I’m picturing how his always sarcastic “Friends” character, Chandler Bing, might have viewed new Speaker of the House Mike Johnson.

“Could he BE any worse for the country?” Nope, Chandler, he could not. Mike Johnson looks bookishly harmless for sure. He’s got the kind of forgettable appearance that probably has fellow legislators flagging him to “make me some copies when you have a minute.”

A firebrand, he is not. This is new territory for high-profile MAGA House members. Where’s the noisy bombast of jacketless jackal Jim Jordan? The slick good looks of Kevin McCarthy, always impeccably dressed and looking like he was late for the vote because his caviar facial ran long? Where’s the old guard intensity of a seasoned member of Congress with an undeniable “Handmaids” Commander vibe like Steve Scalise? Or, failing those, perhaps the flaky flamboyance of Liars Club poster boy George Santos? The dead-eyed dreadfully dumb Marjorie Taylor Greene, maybe?

These are the devils we know, so to speak.

By all appearances, Mike Johnson is more like former Vice President Mike Pence without all the annoying frat boy personality. (“Who wants milk??!!”) I’m fairly certain Mike Johnson may be the only person from Louisiana who thinks jambalaya is “Satan food.”

Mike Johnson isn’t what we were expecting not just because he’s a quiet unknown but mostly because it’s not the 19th century. We hear him speak and we have to look down and make sure we’re not wearing high-button shoes or holding a buggy whip. On the plus side, in a Mike Johnson America, nobody will get their nose out of joint when Flavor Flav sings the National Anthem because most families can’t afford a Victrola.

Mike Johnson has gone from near-total obscurity to second in line to the presidency for one very simple reason: Donald Trump endorsed him. This is puzzling to put it mildly. Why are so many Republicans in Congress so terrified of angering an elderly Florida man who is facing 91 indictments and whom I’m almost positive couldn’t find Vermont on a United States map? Just kidding. I’m positive.

Like the scariest villain in the horror movie, Mike Johnson’s biggest skill so far is saying terrible things in a comforting voice. Only instead of whispering a chilling “Have you checked the children lately” on a phone call to the babysitter, (The call is coming from inside the HOUSE!!!!!) he quietly announces he will tie U.S. aid to Israel to a proposal to defund the IRS’ efforts to investigate tax-cheating billionaires. I told you it was terrible.

I have a refrigerator magnet that reads, “I never thought I’d miss Nixon” and I’m starting to feel the same way about Kevin McCarthy. He at least looked pained when he said awful things. Which wasn’t easy with all that Botox, I’m guessing.

McCarthy got tossed out for displeasing the MAGAs that put him into the Speaker’s chair and it’s only a matter of time before the same thing happens to Mike Johnson. Sure, he got the support of all 220 Republicans in the House but that was just because they wanted to look unified behind, “Who? From Where? Yeah, whatever.”

There are already rumblings of displeasure from within Republican ranks about this Israel package gimmick so it might not be too long before Mike Johnson becomes just another Mike Johnson Construction Company, which is, incidentally, what came up first when I Googled Mike Johnson’s name.

Perhaps they will return to their roots. Lauren Boebert’s on an apology tour back home following her unfortunate groping and vaping at the theater and lying about it all misstep. Everyone loves a redemption story so maybe she could be the next one to wield the speaker’s gavel.

In the words of Chandler Bing: “Could I BE more excited?” No. I could not.

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.

Someone should’ve taken My Pillow huckster Mike Lindell aside and gently reminded him of the old saying: A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.

Deciding to act as his own counsel in his upcoming defamation trials isn’t even the dumbest thing Lindell has done in the past couple of weeks. He announced he may hold a telethon to raise money to pay his lawyers for past due bills. Apparently, they didn’t want to work for a warehouse or two of shredded foam that may or may not smell like soup. Just a guess.

A telethon??? The stones on this guy. Doesn’t he know telethons are for sick kids and PBS. Is nothing sacred?

Picture this.

“Hello! Thanks for calling the Mike Lindell Legal Defense Fund Telethon. May I take your pledge or is there any chance you will come to your senses and give your money to a legitimate charity or, in lieu of that, simply set it ablaze?”

And who would perform? Telethons are all about the entertainment factor. It’s not like you can get Trump inaugural juggernauts The Piano Guys and Three Doors Down on such short notice. What? Oh, you can? My bad.

I’d ask where Lindell got the idea that decent, hardworking Americans should pay for his legal defense like he’s some kind of VICTIM, but we all know the answer to that.

Nothing like braggy “billionaires” telling you how rich they are while insisting they shouldn’t have to pay for their own lawyers; that’s YOUR job!

I strongly advise Mike Lindell to go back to making overpriced bed pillows that, to be clear, ARE NOT LUMPY instead of trying to go all Matlock. Dumbbell, she wrote.

Also, like the old saying goes: When you have to scream at someone your pillows aren’t lumpy, that makes an ass out of you and me. No, that’s not right. Something about protesting too much is where I was headed. Lindell’s lunatic meltdown during a pre-trial deposition that left him screeching profanities and repeating how decidedly unlumpy his pillows are, has gone Ebola levels of viral. As it should. (If you haven’t seen it, pretty please Google it now and thank me later.)

Here’s another old saying: Man is known by the company he keeps. Lindell made himself so thoroughly unlikeable through his affiliation with election conspiracy nuts. Business slumped and big box stores stopped stocking his NOT LUMPY pillows. Who needs all that bad publicity when there’s a perfectly nice Serta or Simmons with nary a hint of crazypants overthrower of democracy that comes with?

Now that he’s made himself his own attorney, Lindell better hit the law books hard because he’s got three defamation trials coming up for spreading lies about the 2020 election claiming the process was rigged and fraud was committed. (All debunked.)

The once genial pillow peddler’s obsession with spreading proven lies about who won the 2020 election seems out of character. Mike Lindell used to be the affable, if mildly annoying uncle everyone secretly hoped wouldn’t be able to come to Thanksgiving this year because he never asks how YOUR job is going.

Where’s the comfy Minnesota twang that made us want to commit Tater Tot Hot Dish? Mikey got power-hungry, all emoji heart eyes ga-ga over the man from Mar-a-lago.

Don’t feel bad, Pillow boy. You’re not the first and you sure won’t be the last. When you wake up from the nightmare of bankruptcy and noisily lost fortune, perhaps you will realize the folly of thinking you could have it all.

Nah. You’ll just go to prison where you will no doubt complain about the “really very low quality” pillows in Cell Block C.

Just kidding. Mikey will probably avoid serving time in prison. But a girl can dream.

NC Newsline is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. NC Newsline maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Rob Schofield for questions: info@ncnewsline.com. Follow NC Newsline on Facebook and Twitter.