Sex Goddess

Freaky Fridays

Dear SG,

I've started seeing someone who everyone knows. She has forbidden me to speak about us, keep it on 'the low.' Does that mean I'm not the only one? Or is she embarrassed of me?

Shady Relation

Dear Shady,

Yes, and yes. No, seriously … she might have caught onto your insecure, paranoid, jealous tendencies. No, seriously: You are not 'seeing' each other. You see each other sometimes. I'd guess on her terms, when she wants something in particular. If you are ok with this power dynamic, by all means respect her desire for discretion and keep it on the low. If you would like to be more of an equal player in the situation, and especially if you have a desire to ever be the person everyone knows she is seeing, you should ask her straight up: why you tryin' to put baby in the corner?

Good luck!

SG

=======

Dear SG,

I have just started sleeping with this woman who is very well known and respected in my field, and I think I might be falling for her. In her eyes, I can tell she feels the same. She's more amazing up close than she seemed from afar, which is saying a lot. My problem is, I have been underperforming in my work and she works for one of my key allies. I am scared she's going to find out that I am not nearly as amazing as she is and … I couldn't bear to lose her. I know I could do better … how do I cover my tracks?

Another Lover

Dear Lover,

It never ceases to amaze me that people will sit in awe of their lovers, but not themselves. If she's that amazing she already knows. The point of wanting to be a better person is -- as far as I've observed -- simultaneous with the point of no return in love. Tell her she makes you want to be better, and then be better. No matter how the love goes, it never hurts to raise your own bar.

SG

=======

Do you have a question? Email SG at SexAndRelationships@WireTapMag.org.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Freaky Fridays

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

=====

Dear SG,

I met a man online who seems to be perfect for me. I won't go into the details -- perfection is so specific. But I organize people to vote -- it's a big part of my life -- and I can't find him in the voter lists for our state. I know he's lived here for a long time, I can't imagine that he votes elsewhere. With the way things are going in this country, it is imperative to me that anyone I am dealing with is thinking about how to bring a progressive majority into power. We haven't slept together yet -- how can I be with someone who doesn't engage in our democratic process?

Hoping you V-O-T-E

Dear Micro-Stalker,

I see your dilemma! Is there anyway that you can incorporate voter registration into your seduction? Lean into his neck and whisper about power dynamics. Nibble on his knuckle while begging him for an end to Democratic submission. Equate registering with a spanking -- a delectable punishment that is part of the great game of love. And when election time comes, remind him that if he comes home with an 'I Voted' sticker in the right place you'll take it off!

SG

=====

Dear SG,

I met this black woman this weekend and I can't get her out of my mind. We were at a party and I just thought she was magnificent. I haven't been exposed to lots of black people and I got the sense flirting with white men was rare for her too. I was drunk and when the conversation turned to sex I think I offended her by saying I've never been with a black woman but have always been sexually attracted to them. I mean, she didn't look mad, but it was just dumb to say. Honest, but dumb. I have to see her again. Is there any way to pursue her without being misconstrued as exoticizing her?

"That Feverish White Boy"

Dear Culturally Challenged Lover,

This is generally a controversial topic. Some people feel you have to be post-race in desire. I've never quite been able to pull it off, and I've never quite seen a race-free love affair. Specifically, I am not sure it is ever possible to engage with your first lover outside your race and not have stereotypes block your real participation in it. You can't go back and remove your fetish from your mouth. However, you can shift how you move forward. Change your whole framework -- as long as you think of yourself as the white man pursuing a magnificent black creature, that's how you will be seen, sized up, and rightfully rejected.

SG

Freaky Fridays

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … do it. Whatever it might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

*****

Dear SG:

I've asked all my friends this question, and no one seems to know the answer. I'm an activist woman who works in the political and non-profit world in D.C. I don't usually have a problem getting a date -- which rules -- but every guy I date is hot, younger, and … eventually scared of my intense political views. I have two questions.

First, while I certainly will work on not scaring people to win arguments, how far should I go towards becoming less intense? Isn't intensity about politics and helping people what makes most of us activist types so great? My second question is, where in the world do I meet guys my own age? I'm 30 and meeting guys at the bars is netting me quite a few dates with 25-year-old men. This isn't working for me anymore. Please advise.

Too Intense

Dear Perfectly Intense,

In general, I am never a fan of improving one's game by dulling one's edges. So my first advice is, stop thinking of yourself as 'too' anything -- political, scary, old, intense. Whoever ends up with you is going to end up with the actual you, so might as well start as close to real as you can in this wicked world of dating. My second bit of advice is that scaring people rarely wins arguments in the long run -- people remember you as a fierce debater but are not convinced so much as beaten. Be intense, not scary -- that's just the basics of the game.

Now, the time has come for you to set your standard. Don't focus on what you don't want; don't go places where clusters of boy lovers await you. You have mastered and become bored with what you can get -- those hot boys are feeding your ego more than your soul now. Calm it down a bit so you can let your new desire fully form in you -- what are your needs? Where in your life do you see room for a partner? A wise man who has been very lucky in love told me, “You cannot manifest in life that which you don't leave yourself room to dream.” I laughed at first, cause it sounded a bit hippy-loopy, but then I realized that he has succeeded in love with that mantra, so I pass it along to you. I also step out on a limb to say, isn't that what non-profit conferences are for?

SG

*****

Dear SG:

Until about a month ago, I was sleeping with an old friend, mostly out of convenience. It's hard, as an organizer, to find someone who is really on point on the things I care about -- so sometimes I just get one of my needs met, and not all. But recently I had to be clear about not having the same feelings for Friend as Friend did for me. Sucked.

Then the other night I met Someone -- Someone I wasn't expecting who is making me feel magical. And I am not a magical-feeling kind of person, knaw mean? I didn't even realize Magic was one of my needs. So, I am moving forward with Someone and haven't been returning Friend's calls, and I think there's a better way to handle this. I don't want to hurt Friend, I don't want a whole emotional teary-eyed mess, I don't want to feel bad about Magic Someone. Can you help?

Skipping and Shit

Dear Skippy,

First of all -- I am so excited for you to have found a Magic Someone. It is so hard, no matter what you do, to find magic. It is especially hard if politics play a central role in your needs in a lover -- so don't you feel bad about a thing if you have found a Someone you can respect!

In terms of 'Friend'? My recommendation is to tell Friend in person and be genuine about your new feelings. I often find in friendship-lover settings there's this, "So sorry, wish it could work. I really like you but ... " energy which is just a tease, faking hope where there is usually none to be found. Have the respect to give Friend a clean hard break and start the healing process -- show Friend that in no uncertain terms you are not interested, and have met Someone, and are really excited about it. Your friendship will bode better if you make sure your need for Magic is met, and set Friend free to find some magic that has nothing to do with you.

SG

Freaky Fridays

What: "Freaky Fridays" is a sex and relationships advice column for the young at heart.

Who: Who I am is unimportant. I do, however, enjoy sex, dally in various relationships, and on top of that I am an organizer by trade, or perhaps faith. I declare here and now that I know as much as anyone about sex and relationships -- which is roughly nothing and everything.

Why: Organizers, activists, change makers, closet progressives -- people trying to save the world often have a hard time figuring out how to … DO it. Whatever IT might be at the moment -- love, dominate, submit, indulge, deny, give, take, fight, let go, wonder, know. I secretly suspect that if everyone were able to find the freedom to really love and please themselves (not to mention each other), we'd have world peace.

Rules:

1. I hate rules!
2. There are no stupid questions, only stupid hang-ups.
3. Pleasure came before political correctness, and so should you!
4. Love yourself first.

*****

Dear Sex Goddess,

I am dating a man who never comes. In bed he just stops, without making sure I finished. He's hard but then … nothing. Is he gay? Is his dick broken? Is he doin' that African sperm thing? I literally can't get no satisfaction … help!

Sincerely,
Unsatiated

Dear Unsatiated,

First of all, I am throwin' up a hand for you sis. I won't dismiss the possibility that he is gay, or is conserving his spiritual chi in a traditional practice. But many men, even at a young age, face various levels of sexual dysfunction. Having learned very little about healthy sex and relationships, many in our generation have developed a deep disconnect between love -- which they fear -- and sex, which they … also fear. My advice is to address this outside of the bedroom, as hard as that seems. In the moment, too much is on the line in terms of shame to broach the discussion.

SG

***

Dear SG,

My girlfriend is an ideological simpleton. She watches the news and concludes that the great chaos and conflict we live in all comes down to 'dumb Bush and the dumb Republicans.' When I point out that if they are dumb then we who oppose them are dumber since they keep winning, and that perhaps there is a more complex praxis to consider, she goes into a childlike apoplectic fit. It's affecting our sex life. How can I make her hush or put some meat on her skeletal thought process?

Me, my brain and I.

Dear Superior Being,

The contempt with which you speak of your girlfriend must register in her tiny brain, so I am sure it does affect both of your bedroom manners. But really, who cares about your sex life, it's your ego you need stroked well. You are in a no win situation … if you think she's simple, besting her in political sport will soon get boring. Save yourself now, get thee to a Mensa meeting (surely you know about genius mixers) and find some ideological equals!
SG

***

Dear SG,

This dude I am hooking up with … his down there is stinky. He says deodorant and the idea of folks having to smell the same is a colonizer's poison, and then with showering he's on this water conservation tip. I think he's smart and sexy and good on politics … how do I get him into that so fresh feeling?

Pinched nose.

Dear Pinched Nose,

Wait one second while I finish laughing. Aw! You got what I like to call a cute-n-stinky! While it's unlikely that you can enforce a pro-deodorant lifestyle on him, and you love the politics that make him this way, there are some options for you:

1. Build showers into your foreplay! Spend a lot of time polishing the nob. It would take me three columns to fully cover all the unspecial feelings that can come from unclean genitals.
2. Use all-natural soaps.
3. Conserve water by showering together as often as possible.
4. Make sure he is eating well and drinking lots of water, in general reduce the toxins entering his body. Bad smells often start inside.
5. Make sure he washes and changes his undergarments daily. A lot of the odor comes from build up of bacteria in clothing.
In terms of what to say, I would suggest saying you also hate the colonizing socialized need for universal shower fresh smells, but you do love his natural smell and want more of that! And keepin' it really real, pinched nose? Tell him if it's dirty, it won't go anywhere near your nose. He'll figure it out. Good luck!

SG

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