Bill Scheft

Who in the Hell Is Devin Nunes? Everything You Were Afraid to Ask About this Suddenly Important Person

In this brand-new, hastily conceived premise, Salon will use the otherwise unlimited space of the site to profile a person in the news who has until recently lived largely under the radar. And by under the radar, we mean above gratuitous satire.)

FULL NAME: Devin Gerard Nunes Icantcommentonthatnow

OCCUPATION: U.S. Representative, California, 22nd District. (Formerly represented California’s 21st District from 2003-2013, but moved to 22nd because of more Wi-Fi hotspots.) In 2016, Nunes ran unopposed, yet received more than $1.6 million in campaign contributions. Strangely, 80 percent of the donations were spent on debate prep.

HERITAGE: Portuguese descent, Portuguese-American dissent. Nunes’ ancestry can be traced back to the 15th century, where five distant cousins were crew members on Columbus’ ill-fated fifth ship, the Santa Scurvy.

EARLY LIFE: Nunes’ family has operated a farm in Tulare County, California, for three generations. When Devin was 11, instead of telling his father, he called a local radio station to claim he had found incidental evidence of flies on cows. The next day, he apologized to his father and said he had called in to the radio station to win Huey Lewis tickets. The day after that, he revised his statement, now claiming he called in for Huey Long tickets. The day after that, he answered questions before geography class and admitted there were no flies in the direct vicinity of the cows, that he was trying to get on the good side of a pig and that everything he had said might be untrue because his mind had been corrupted by the EPA. Or the ERA. Whatever is the one that is against disposable diapers. Despite overwhelming demand among his classmates, he refused to step down as lunchroom monitor.

SPOUSE: Elizabeth Tamariz. She runs a business out of their home breeding lapdogs.

HONORS: In 2013, Nunes was named a Grand Officer of the Order of Prince Henry. This award took the sting out of being nominated but not winning the 2008 Vasco Da Gama Prize for Good Natural Sense of Direction.

ENVIRONMENTAL RECORD: In 2014, in the middle of the California drought, Nunes declared, “Global warming is nonsense. There’s plenty of water.” Two days later, to prove his point, in front of eight constituents, Nunes fashioned a divining rod out of two selfie sticks, staggered 500 feet into an AM-PM MiniMart and emerged with a one-liter bottle of Dasani.

The following year, Nunes coined the term “man-made drought,” claiming environmental regulations had created water restrictions in his home state. “Man-made drought” finished as the second runner-up in Webster’s “Least Convincing New Phrase of 2015” to “Ponzi Clinic.”

INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS: On April 24, 2012, Nunes met with Mexican President Felipe CalderÃ³n as part of the U.S.-Mexican Friendship Caucus. Nunes served on the U.S.-Mexican Friendship Caucus until it was disbanded on June 15, 2015, at noon, when workers in the lobby of Trump Tower turned on the down escalator.

FAILED LEGISLATION: In 2004, as an eager freshman congressman, Nunes was unable to find a co-sponsor for a bill that, if passed, would have made it a felony for anyone to view internet porn outside of a SCIF room.

CHAIRMAN: Nunes was named chairman of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence in January 2015, nine months after incumbent Mike Rogers, R-Mich., said he would not seek an eighth term in Congress. Rogers eventually became a national security correspondent for CNN. I’ll take irony for $2,000, Alex.

EARLIER WORK ON HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE: Nunes extensively investigated the Sept. 11, 2012, attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi and found no evidence of wrongdoing by Hillary Clinton, other than wearing white after Labor Day.

PRESIDENT TRUMP ON NUNES: “He’s a good guy. I like good guys. Let me tell you the type of guys I don’t like. Bad guys. I don’t like bad guys, and what’s more, I don’t care for them. And I should point this out. I called it. I said he was a good guy. I can’t remember where I was, only that it was a huge crowd, I turned to whoever was up my ass and I said, ‘Jared, that guy? He’s a good guy.’ Here’s the thing that’s sad. Nobody reported it. Which is a problem. And I’ll tell you why it’s a problem. Because it’s the type of thing you should report on. When the president calls something. You know that ‘SNL’ midget that just lost on ‘Dancing With the Stars?’ I called it. Nothing. Where is the three-part, you know, three-part investigation exposÃ© on that? See, this is the type of thing we’re dealing with. And, excuse me, one more thing. I never said ‘midget.’”

LAST THING HE RECUSED HIMSELF FROM: The final hour of the film “Loving.”

HOW HE LIKES TO UNWIND: The last 14 years, Nunes and his family have had a summer timeshare in the pocket of the Koch brothers. And starting next month, once a week, he’ll throw on a blazer, hop the fence during a shift change and conduct the White House tour.

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Imagine Trump's Exit Interview: 'I Just Found out What the Job Paid. $400,000. You're Kidding, Right?'

(The following requisite exit interview with Donald J. Trump was conducted close of business Friday with the Head of Human Resources.)

HR: Why are you leaving?

Donald J. Trump: What you should ask yourself is why are you leaving me? By the way, I called that first question back in February. Ask anyone. People who thought I’d leave after Iowa. Iowa. Whose idea was that? Seriously. You know what I just found out? I just found out cows cannot digest corn. Neither can humans, but we eat cows. We don’t eat each other. Not yet. You watch. It’s gonna happen. January 21, 22 at the latest. It’s gonna be like the Lord of the Rings of the Flies. It’s gonna be like Jeffrey Dahmer. You remember Jeffrey Dahmner? Jeffrey Dahmer, who, by the way, would have endorsed me if he hadn’t been shanked in the shower during the ’90s. And let me tell you something else. Those showers have only gotten worse. They’re a nightmare. What kind of country do we live in when people are afraid to take a shower?

So, shower safety and the fact that cows cannot digest corn. Those are your main reasons for leaving?

Well, they’re up there. But I would say, if I had to say specifically, and I’m not big on that, and I’ll let you know, but if I had to say specifically, it’s that some people weren’t nice. And that rally attendance wasn’t factored into the vote total. It’s called the popular vote. Popular. It’s not called the qualified vote. Popular vote. Popular. I didn’t name it, but I respect it. I guess I’m alone. And why isn’t attention the same thing as support? Why? If I’m talking and – excuse me, excuse me – if I’m talking and you’re paying attention, why doesn’t it stand to reason – excuse me – why doesn’t it stand to reason that makes me your leader? And another thing. If I had the job, Day One, the showers are much safer. Hillary Clinton would not get shanked. She would be free to serve every day of the next 25-30 years in Attica. Yeah, Attica. She did nothing for Upstate New York, and yet she gets free room and board up there. Why? Because unlike some people, I’m nice.

Was salary a consideration in your decision?

I just found out what the job paid. $400,000. You’re kidding, right? That’s bobby pin money for me. That’s what I spend on Rosetta Stone upgrades for Melania. That’s what I made off headset and wi-fi rental on the press plane. Hell, I promised twice that to Mike Pence if he changed his conversion therapy from sexual orientation to ruble laundering. Who came up with that figure? $400,000? What am I, some undocumented utility infielder? Nobody told me this $400,000. I just assumed you grab the key to The Mint from the Treasury Secretary, or Lorne Michaels, and take what you when you need it. You know, within reason.

Did you receive proper training?

I don’t know, you tell me. You know what? Why don’t you ask Hillary if she cares that cows can’t digest corn?

Why did you think about the culture of your department?

One night, we were on the plane coming back from, I don’t know, New Mexico? I can’t remember. It was some place where they didn’t show the crowd. That narrows it down to 48 states. By the way, bad name, New Mexico. Bad name. Call it something else. Call it New and Improved Mexico. Santa Fabulous. Trumpequerque. I would have come up with something, but they went with the JV. So, we’re on the plane and there’s no ketchup. None. And I have about 200 extreme vetted French fries in front of me. This is a giant screw-up. I start to lose my temperament, but someone, I think it was David Duke’s teenage daughter, Chrystalnacht, says, “I have, like, six packets of blue cheese dressing. You ever, like, try that?” Well, Trump hadn’t, and Trump did, and Trump never looked back. Neither have I. That’s the kind of stuff we had going on and it’s now everyone’s loss, like me renaming New Mexico.

What was your opinion of our benefits, fringes, time off?

Not thrilled, not impressed. Not thrilled with the way other people take your words, reprint them exactly as you said them, in the correct context you said them, then throw them back at you. That’s freedom of speech? I don’t see any freedom there. Speaking of words, I’m big on words, since when is there a “c” in “indictment?” When did that happen? That needs to go. Are those the benefits you’re talking about? Or are you talking about pledging money to your campaign and finding out that it’s not the same as pledging money to some charity you have no intention of following through on? That kind of benefit? That is no more of a benefit than if you’re a cow and you say “I’m hungry” and some loser in Iowa gives you a bunch of corn.

Excuse me, I can just hear you. I’m a clairvoyeur. I can just hear you thinking, “Talking cows? Really? He doesn’t mean talking cows. He means fat women. He means the first three rows at the Grand Ol’ Opry.” I didn’t say that, you thought that. And let me ask you something. When was the last time they showed the crowd at the Grand Ole Opry? Nothing to say? Yeah, I thought so.

And did you actually mention “time off?” You didn’t say “time off,” did you? I got zero. Zero. The only time off I got was when I gave my phone to my kid for six hours and he got into a Twitter fight with that overrated singer Raffi. I’m not gonna lie to you. That got away from me. I said, “Barron, I know he’s an Egyptian, but this is a disaster.” And Barron said, “Excuse me, but what are you talking about?” Turns out it was Eric who took the phone. Wrong kid.

What was the other thing? Fringes? Yes, I have to say I was very pleased with the fringes.

Would you recommend this to a friend?

That’s not how it works. Here’s how it works. You recommend one of your friends to me. A non-smoker with a great rack wearing only a non-disclosure agreement.

Is there any area or areas we could improve to make you consider staying?

Who says I’m leaving? You’re the one who’s leaving. But I would say cyber as an area. Cyber is a real situation. Ask yourself, why wasn’t I hacked? What, am I not attractive enough? Wait. You think I meant that? It’s called sarcasm. Calm down. Take a shower. Oh wait, I forgot. You’re afraid to shower. I don’t blame you. No, wait. I do.

Anything else?

How about how I stayed on message and talked in the calm, reassuring voice? Come on, give it to me.

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Satire: How Donald Trump Would Spend the First 100 Days After the Election

Mr. Trump’s outline for his first 100 Days in the Malignant Narcissist Wing of Long Island Non-Jewish Psychiatric Resort-Casino begins on Day 6. For the first three days, arm restraints forced him to try and learn to tweet with his tongue. It took an additional 48 hours before he realized the cellphone he had been given upon admittance was made of plastic. Chinese plastic. Since then, all detailed policy positions have been dictated to the night janitorial staff.

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Who the Heck Is Michael Cohen? Everything You Were Afraid to Ask about this Suddenly Important Person

Who in the Hell Is Devin Nunes? Everything You Were Afraid to Ask About this Suddenly Important Person

Imagine Trump's Exit Interview: 'I Just Found out What the Job Paid. $400,000. You're Kidding, Right?'

Satire: How Donald Trump Would Spend the First 100 Days After the Election

Who the Heck Is Michael Cohen? Everything You Were Afraid to Ask about this Suddenly Important Person