The 'Torture Tour' trapping Republicans

US President Donald Trump puts his cap back on during a campaign rally at the Majestic Valley Arena in Kalispell, Montana, US, October 14, 2026.

The drunk, incoherent old man at the end of the bar can’t stop talking, and I’m here to serve him another round.

We are less than three weeks from the most important elections in American history, and Donald Trump has taken it upon himself to rescue a Republican Party he is actively drowning.

Donny Dunce is everywhere lighting up half-filled arenas with all his hot air, and Republican candidates’ seats across America are getting mighty warm because of it.

It appears Trump and his despicable party of lowlifes and cowards have finally lost the political middle, and all that’s left now are the bigots and trolls on the far right, who want in on what’s left of the stale grift. They are getting hurt as badly as anybody right now thanks to Trump, and in many cases worse, but admitting they were wrong about anything would only take their fun away.

You see, once you realize you can get away with anything, including a violent attack on America, it’s tough to stop acting the selfish fool. After all, they have been given permission by their spray-painted orange idol to be just as vile as they want to be, so why quit now?

Besides, as things keep getting worse, they’ll always have Joe Biden and the libtards to blame.

Last night while spending a few minutes surfing through the social media sprawl, I caught a clip of Trump literally staggering toward his helicopter in Anchorage, Alaska. He had just arrived in the state, where he was once again looking for love in all the wrong places.

He was campaigning for one of the two Republican Dan Sullivans running for the Senate in the last frontier. I guarantee you it matters little to him which one he was supposed to prefer, because everything he does from the minute his fat little feet hit the deck in the morning is about him.

Sorry, Dans.

The state hasn’t backed a Democrat for Senate in 20 years, but Mary Peltola looks like she is on the cusp of a major breakthrough. Not even two Dan Sullivans, and one Tottering Trump seem capable of stopping this classy woman.

A Peltola victory in Alaska would put control of the Senate within Democrats’ grasp, which even the most buoyant optimist wouldn’t have predicted a year ago. Every swing state is leaning Blue right now, and even some red ones are bleeding into a delicious shade of purple.

Republicans across the country are in deep trouble right now, and unable to hide from the monster they created ...

Now that monster was swerving aimlessly toward the chopper, willing his uncooperative legs to work just a little bit longer.

At the end of his long and winding road, he needed only conquer the single daunting step that led to his steel-reinforced jump seat. He mustered the strength to pull himself aboard, harrumphed with a heavy splash into the poor seat, and took a mighty gasp.

He’d made it, even though he wasn’t exactly sure where that was …

The rusty stair-climber was a picture of pure pain, but that mattered little to his smiling blonde toys who were along for the ride, eagerly waiting for great grandpa to complete his endless voyage across the runway.

If he had died right there, it wouldn’t have been a surprise, because it’s clear as day this despicable man has only so many more steps left in his empty tank before he self-combusts and splatters into hell.

The rotten man who has lifted his bigoted MAGAs into their ugly place of prominence in America can barely even walk anymore.

His death march in Alaska Tuesday was the perfect metaphor for a disastrous second term that has dragged America into the swamp he warned us about.

Nothing is going well in this country, and everybody, including his cult knows it — even if they will never, ever admit it.

And as much as I’d like to see him go for good, he’s become too useful a power tool to depart just yet. Donny Darko is single-handedly killing what was left of Republicans’ chances in the midterms just three weeks from now, and it is delicious to watch.

As hard as it is to root for this wretched man, we need him on the campaign trail just a little while longer. The Campaign Killer has more stops planned the next three weeks during his Republican Torture Tour, and we must hope he can make all his self-appointed rounds.

Every time he talks — and as we know, he never shuts up — another Republican in a safe district loses a voter. Republican candidates are now holding their breath in places like Kansas, Iowa, and Florida as their tone-deaf leader drowns out their concerns, by saddling them with his.

They know that when they lose it will be all their fault, of course. They have boxed themselves in with a nuclear-powered blowhard who never stops blowing, and with only 20 days until the midterms, there is no way out of that wind tunnel leading them back to the private sector.

Instead of throwing Republican candidates life preservers in the face of this building Blue Tsunami by staying as far away from them as possible, the human cannonball is bombing onto their districts and tossing them anchors.

Nobody can stop him, and for once, just letting him rip apart the countryside is the right thing to do. The Human Contaminant is polluting his party’s chances of holding even a shred of power come Nov. 4.

They are digging their own graves, and we should all be happy to toss them a shovel.

As I was typing of Two Ton Trump’s misadventures on the campaign trail of tears, I got an AP Alert that inflation is accelerating faster than predicted. Prices were up a staggering 3.7% in September. These runaway prices are killing Americans, and the chances of Republican candidates all over the map.

They have nothing to run on, but can’t run away from the unlimited source of all their problems either. You really couldn’t get worse news if you are Republican with just 480 hours until polls close on Nov. 3.

Trump did all of this, and he’s telling us he’s not through.

Today he will be dragging his failing legs around to campaign stops in Montana and Arizona placing more Republicans in peril. While the world burns, he will be running his big mouth, and passing around the dirty can at his rallies looking for cash. He’ll be selling cheap promises and MAGA tchotchkes to his ghastly supporters, while aiming to clean them out for good.

He’s the grift that keeps on grifting, and just days from the elections nobody should stop him.

In fact, pass the popcorn.

(D. Earl Stephens is the author of “Toxic Tales: A Caustic Collection of Donald J. Trump’s Very Important Letters” and awarding-winning journalist who led newsrooms, and worked as a reporter in the newspaper business for decades. You can find all his work here.)

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