A consolation prize for Don Jr.’s dumped girlfriend

21 December 2024

Kimberly Guilfoyle attends the America First Policy Institute (AFPI) gala at Mar-A-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida, U.S., November 14, 2024. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

I’m just as happy as anybody to be seeing less of Kimberly Guilfoyle now that Don Jr. has dumped her. The way she walked around with her dinners hanging out all the time was tacky. That said, she didn’t deserve to be publicly humiliated by the likes of Don Jr. The paps grabbed a pic of him running from his new girlfriend’s house toward his comically large (“I’m not over-compensating, YOU’RE over-compensating”) pick-up truck and I did feel a pang of sympathy for Kim. They’d been engaged for years, not long after Don Jr. left his wife and five kids on account of boring. Kim dutifully spent years doing the happy scream and getting her lips blown up, but she still couldn’t close the deal.

The why is obvious: She was replaced by a much younger Palm Beach blueblood named Bettina Anderson, who is gorgeous and flat-chested in that “breasts are for people who never owned polo ponies” kinda way, an especially cruel blow for Kim, who spent years spackling her face into place and pumping up her parts.

Any woman who’s ever been dumped could see this coming a mile away. Don Jr. is a silly, shallow manboy who wants desperately to please his daddy. Kimberly Guilfoyle was perfect, until she wasn’t. A respected DA from the West Coast, she forgot all that stuff and went all-in with a creepy family that would never love her back.

But maybe she was right, after all. “THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!” she famously screamed at us until our ears bled and, honestly, I think it’s true in her new life. Yeah, the rest of us are screwed but, plot twist, Kim’s gonna be OK.

To show his appreciation for years of service to his boneheaded son, Donald Josephus Trump announced Kim would be the new U.S. Ambassador to Greece! Like yesterday. Git along lil dogie. Off ya go!

Heck. I got dumped back in the day and the “onliest” thing I got out of my three-year investment was a “pre-engagement ring” from JC Penney’s that had a total carat weight the pawn shop guy assured me was “not definable.”

Had no idea parting-gift ambassadorships were even a thing.

So, good on Kimmy for hanging in there long enough to get a new gig that will put her in proximity to oligarchs and whatnot. She’ll be slinging those dinners all over some magnate’s mega yacht before you can say “NDA? Sure, Daddy, where do I sign?”

Meanwhile over at Mar-a-Lago, Page Six reported Don Jr. and Bettina were seen canoodling in the buffet line while perusing the desserts. OK, wait. You pay a million bucks to join this club, and you have to stand in a buffet line? Is there a guy with “good” and “evil” knuckle tatts and a hairnet screaming “MEAT???” like the one at my favorite cafeteria? Please say yes. Seriously, please. Because journalism is hard sometimes, Page Six dutifully reported Don Jr. recommended the fried dough dessert.

OK, can someone please tell him his daddy’s fixing to deport anybody who knows how to make a decent churro? Also, I hate to beat a dead polo pony here but what kind of exclusive club is this? Buffets? Fried dough for dessert? Is the cocktail bar a still?

If so, let’s grab a coupla Mason jars and toast the departure of Kim Guilfoyle from our battered national psyche. You go, girl. Seriously. Go.

Read more of Celia Rivenbark’s “Celia Dishes” columns and subscribe to and support her work by clicking here.

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