'I am NOT Cookie Monster!': George Conway crushes Donald Trump in satirical op-ed

16 August 2022

When Never Trump conservative George Conway attacks former President Donald Trump, the Republican attorney usually does it by making a serious legal or political argument. But occasionally, Conway will use satire or slapstick humor to slam Trump — which is what he does in a goofy yet biting op-ed published by the Washington Post on August 16.

Conway’s op-ed is headlined, “Trump Didn’t Take the Cookies. Nope. Never. Why Ask?” The conservative attorney uses “cookies” as a metaphor to describe Trump’s latest scandal, which found FBI agents executing a search warrant at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Palm Beach, Florida on Monday, August 8. According to the Post, the agents were looking for classified government documents — including “documents relating to nuclear weapons.”

But as wacky as Conway’s op-ed is, he gets his points across vividly. And he mocks, without mercy, Trump’s response to the Mar-a-Lago search and the federal investigation that inspired it.

“You’re looking for cookies? There are no cookies here,” Conway writes. “I don’t have any cookies. I don’t even like cookies. Won’t eat them. Never had one in my life.”

Conway continues, “Never even seen one. Not once. Ever…. And if I had cookies, they would only be the Best Cookies. Big, beautiful, gorgeous, magnificent cookies. Cookies like no one has ever seen. And totally, totally hot. Not cold, ugly cookies like yours.”

The attorney goes on to use the “cookies” metaphor to mock Trump’s “fake news” rhetoric.

“What? You’re saying you have photos of me with cookies? That’s a Complete Lie,” Conway writes. “Your pictures are FAKE — just like you are. This is a Another Complete and Total Hoax. First, you made up the Russia Hoax. Then the Ukraine Hoax, and then the Election Hoax. It was Russia, Russia, Russia. Now it’s Cookies, Cookies, Cookies. ALL FAKE NEWS. I am NOT Cookie Monster! YOU are Cookie Monster!!

The Never Trumper adds, “Maybe I had a picture taken with a cookie once. I don’t remember it. But it was with a Super Cookie. People were saying — big, strong men with tears in their eyes — ‘Sir, where do you find these amazing Super Cookies?’ Way better than your lousy cookies. You can’t even afford a real cookie.”

One of the conspiracy theories being promoted on right-wing media outlets is that the FBI agents planted evidence at Mar-a-Lago on August 8. And Conway is obviously mocking that conspiracy theory when he says, “Cookie jar? What cookie jar? I don’t have a cookie jar because I don’t have any cookies. If there’s a cookie jar, you put it there to frame me. There were no cookies in the jar anyway. You put the cookies in the jar. People saw you. It was on Fox News.”

Conway also lampoons Trumpworld’s awkward efforts to blame former President Barack Obama for the FBI’s search for government documents at Mar-a-Lago, as well as Trump’s claim that any government documents at Mar-a-Lago were declassified.

“ALL cookies are mine, no matter where they are, because I had an Article II that put me in charge of EVERY cookie,” Conway writes. “And there was this Black guy who was here before me. He had a funny, foreign-sounding name. He took THIRTY MILLION cookies home!! Why aren’t you going after him?? And that woman who worked for him EMAILED cookies to HERSELF all the time!! LOCK! HER! UP!”

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