News & Politics

DURST: Boobies on TV!

A recent Supreme Court ruling about sex on cable TV means one simple thing: Boobies! All the time, anytime, of any day.
According to the Supreme Court's response to a challenge by Playboy, Congress went too far and violated our free speech rights when it required cable TV systems to restrict sex oriented networks to overnight hours if they don't fully scramble their signal for nonsubscribers.

Which means: Boobies! On TV. All the time. Anytime. Of any day. Boobies for breakfast. Boobies for lunch. Boobies for afternoon tea. And no, I'm not talking about the Jerry Springer show or C-SPAN's coverage of the House Appropriations Committee.

You know what, it's not really going to change anything. There's already enough boobies on the tube on an hourly basis to equip your everyday normal Wisconsin heifer maternity farm. Hell, in some East African countries, schoolboys learn about puberty by viewing "Baywatch."

Besides, isn't this is a little like opening up the barn door after the cows have formed a union and gone on a research sabbatical to the Easter Islands? After midnight, the premium channels are nothing more than Soft-Porn-O-Thons featuring filtered versions of the Silicone Olympics anyway.

Unlike obscene material, the court ruled that mere indecent material is constitutionally protected. Which means I'm free to continue my stand up career. Yea! Indecent material. Way to go.

Justice Kennedy said "basic speech principles are at stake in this case." And you know what, he's right. Although I have no idea what that means, anytime Hugh Hefner wins in the Supreme Court has to be considered a good day.

In a related case, the Justices also ruled any program featuring Pamela Anderson Lee should be entitled "Booby Trap."

Will Durst wonders what the damn deal with mammary glands is anyway.