News & Politics

Durst: Two Chicken Bones Away

Comic Will Durst on what scares him most: "As Speaker of the House, Newt follows Al Gore in Presidential succession. "President NEWT. That's like saying Pope Dennis Hopper."
A charming Newt looks like a canary that ate a flock of canaries. As Speaker of the House, he follows Al Gore in Presidential succession. Do you know what means? It means Newt is only two chicken bones away from the Presidency. And Clinton does not look like a picky eater. And Al Gore could get Dutch Elm Disease like THAT. President NEWT. That's scarier than the Janet Reno Swimsuit Calendar. President NEWT. Almost makes President Quayle sound whimsical. President NEWT. That's like saying Pope Dennis Hopper. Secretary of State Fabio. Newt's not a politician, he's Pete Rose with rabies. Keeps saying he wants to work with Clinton. Yeah, the same way a five year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ANTS. Jesse Helms is now chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Finally, someone able to speak to Zhironovsky on an equal level. Under the rock. Jesse is from North Carolina. In North Carolina, foreign relations means doing it with anybody who's not your first cousin. In South Carolina, the restrictions aren't so severe. Which explains Strom Thurmond. Strom is 92 years old. 2 years left on his 6 year Senate term. Wants to run one more time. Are you really serving the Government when Willard Scott is wishing you a Happy Birthday? As Senate Pro Tem, Strom is 3 chicken bones away from the Presidency. If that doesn't scare you, you should really see about having your central nervous system reconnected to your brain stem.
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