News & Politics

Durst: Helpful Hints For Neophyte Heroin Users

Keith Richards is laying down tracks again which prompted Will Durst to offer a few words of advice to those following suit.
A guy freaked me out the other day and mumbled something that made me think the Rolling Stones were going back into the studio to record a new album. Then I realized what he had actually said was Keith Richards is laying down some newtracks. Oh. Heroin is the new big deal again. As an advertising exec might say: "Smack is Back." Or "Got Junk?"I guess every generation has to make its own mistakes. Personally I think this period could pass with no more than a mere couple of thousand people dying in their own vomit and the rest of us squares could be left relatively undisturbed as long as everybody remembers to follow a few basic common courtesies. WILL DURST'S HELPFUL HINTS FOR NEOPHYTE HEROIN USERS1. Try not to nod off at the wheel, or face down in soup.2. Tattoo your address somewhere on your person. According to Newt Gingrich, that's how half the homeless got started. They had perfectly good houses; they just forget where they were. 3. Tying off in a public rest room is fine, as long as you are not sprawled across more than one urinal. 4. Coffee will never sufficiently wake you up, and nobody likes a jittery junkie.5. Long sleeve shirts can be worn for all occassions except water skiing.6. Give some thought to maintaining separate dumpsters for eating and sleeping. 7. Only carry works in your pants pocket if you have no plans to sit.8. No, it is not against the law to wipe your nose on your sleeve, but it should be.
Sign Up!
Get AlterNet's Daily Newsletter in Your Inbox
+ sign up for additional lists
Select additional lists by selecting the checkboxes below before clicking Subscribe:
Election 2018