News & Politics

DURST: Presidential Schedules

"Gary Bauer's Primary Day Schedule: 8:00: dig up graveyard looking for fetuses ... 12:00: spank naughty boys at Concord Orphanage ... 7:00: victory party in old Photomat booth near airport."
The New Hampshire Primary Candidates Schedules.GARY BAUER 8:00: dig up graveyard looking for fetuses. 12:00: spank naughty boys at Concord Orphanage. 7:00pm: victory party in old Photomat booth near airport. BILL BRADLEY7:00: shoot hoops with Ted Koppel. Cream the mother. 3:00: get neck lanced. 8:00: victory party at Manchester General Intensive Care. GEORGE BUSH12:00: practice not smirking some more. 3:00: send Neil to Dixville Notch to pick up ballots. 9:00: victory party at John Sununu's house. Fire him again just to see the look on his face.STEVE FORBES10:00: attend Billionaires for Forbes rally at New Hampshire Polo Club. 4:00: re-calibrate invisible puppet strings and receive further instructions from alien space lizard boss. 8:00: victory party at Manchester Gazillionaires Club, restricted. AL GORE8:00: receive last charisma implant from Teddy Kennedy. Make sure alcohol filter attached this time.2:00: hold press conference and accuse cretinous scumbag Bill Bradley of more negative attacks. 8:00: victory party at Amherst Buddhist Temple.ALAN KEYES7:00: hold press conference, refuse to answer questions.12:00: pick up pogo stick for Jumping For Jesus Rally, then yell at reporters for trivializing campaign.6:00: victory party at biggest store in Berlin: Jesus Loves Guns and Bait.JOHN MCCAIN7:00: 1196th town hall meeting at JD Salinger's house. 12:00: hold rally at flag factory in Portsmouth. Remember not to get photographed near Dixie Flag.8:00: victory party at Mike Tyson Anger Counseling Center, Nashua branch. Counselors on site. Will Durst was glad to get out of there, but then again, not really.
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