News & Politics

Iraq: Good Stuff

Bush keeps saying that the war is going well, so I'm trying to find a bright side to xenophobic genocide.
On the third anniversary of his misadventure into Iraq, President George Bush strove to sell his invasion and occupancy policy by holding a press conference, where he announced that getting US troops out of Iraq is not his problem. Instead, it's going to be the problem of future US presidents and Iraqi governments.

In other words, there's no light at the end of this tunnel, just a secular guerilla holding a flashlight, and we're backing out as fast as our little cowboy boots can carry us. Civil war: the gift that keeps on giving.

To say he was a bit testy is like saying gravel is not as nutritious as it looks. He even snapped at Helen Thomas. For crum's sake, who snaps at Helen Thomas? It's like biting the head off a smurf.

He also proceeded to duck questions asked of him, and to answer unasked questions his handlers had prepared him for, and overall had the look of a guy who was trying to fake his way through not having done his homework…for the last thirteen semesters. He did his best to reassure America that it's not as bad as it looks over there. Which is good, cuz to be honest, it looks pretty freaking bad over there.

He was adamant that progress is being made, but when asked to explain where and how, he ran into a couple of minor roadblocks -- like, finding examples of exactly where and how we're making progress. But if you believe Dubya, which I'm not even sure Laura and the twins do anymore, except for the prison assaults and the assassinations and the suicide bombings and the boots on the ground getting buried, things are actually pretty good.

It's that darn media that's screwing everything up -- by showing stuff. Showing bad stuff. If only that rascally American press could report some of the Good Stuff coming out of the Mideast, everyone would settle down and birds would sing and gay people would drink beer and have babies and all would be right with the world. So, being the patriot that I am, I've gone out, not far -- but I've done the research and collected a bunch of the good stuff coming out of Iraq in a little something I like to call…

Will Durst Finds the Bright Side to Xenophobic Genocide:

  • Baghdad University fraternity expulsions way down.
  • Six billion a month we won't be wasting on pork barrel politics.
  • Advances in battlefield medical procedures destined to benefit all of mankind.
  • Due to their renewed dedication to killing each other, the Sunnis and Shiites seem much less interested in targeting Americans these days.
  • VFW membership rolls are a bull market.
  • Grisly footage of dead in Iraq diverting attention from that whole Jack Abramoff thing.
  • Every single car bomb explosion means another opportunity for Detroit fleet sales.
  • Where tomorrow's stars of the Cadaver Dog World get first class training today.
  • Senseless secular violence has obviously intensified the hold of the truce in Northern Ireland.
  • There's a Burning Man Festival every day of the week.
  • When you're thinking organ donor heaven, we're talking Iraq.
  • Hey, it could be worse. There could be leeches.
  • And the final piece of good news coming out of the Iraq… spring has sprung.

Will Durst is a political comic / syndicated columnist / AM radio talk show host / burden to his family.
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