News & Politics

DURST: You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This

* Michael Jordan retired, again. Coming right after the lockout, the NBA needs this the same way a lobster needs melted butter. Like a trapeze act needs Louis Anderson. Like Alan Greenspan needs Brazil.The brightside is in a lot of towns the attendance is going to drop so drastically, fans will have their own vendors. Fortune magazine estimated Jordan's impact on the game over his career was around $10 billion. About the same effect the Clinton administration had on the Justice Department's budget. Now that he's out of short pants and overseeing his yearly $40 million endorsement empire I imagine the next edition of Air Jordan's will prominently feature a line of wing tips. I wanna be like Mike. Of course maybe he quit because Larry Flynt had something on him too.* They raised the price of stamps a penny, and if you're like me, it meant a wait in the line at the Post Office longer than James Sensenbrenner's speech, but nobody went postal. As a matter of fact everybody was extremely polite. Eerily polite.* From the Oops file, the US Bureau of Labor Statistics released producer price data for December a day early because the report was put on the Internet by mistake: the second time this has happened in the last couple of months. One can only hope the Defense Department's nuclear weapons monitors don't come from the same civil service pool. "Oops. There goes Finland."* Just when you thought it was safe to go to Toys R Us, the newest threat to National Security: Furby. It seems the hot toy of the Christmas season has the ability to repeat what it hears so the National Security Agency put out a "Furby Alert" and has banned the cuddly plaything from Fort Meade. Just what we need, an NSA toy department. "All right kid, up against the wall. Now back away from the Blue fur ball... slowly."* And finally, the ball Mark McGwire hit for his 70th home run was sold at auction for over $3 million. The ball was caught by Philip Ozersky, a medical researcher who makes about 30 grand a year. What this means is Dads across the country are going to pay more attention to their kids bleacher skills than they will their pitching skills. Although, Kevin Brown of the Los Angeles Dodgers, who just signed a contract for $105 million, could have bought the ball 35 times.Will Durst is unable to buy even one thirtieth of the ball.
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