News & Politics

Binary Bush

Sorry Dubya, not all questions are as easy as 'madman vs. America.'
Even though less weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq than can be discovered under your average kitchen sink, and even though the link between Al Qaeda and Iraq remains as invisible as a David Caruso change in expression, George Bush said this on a campaign trip to Wisconsin:

"I had a choice. Trust the word of a madman, or defend America. That is one choice I will always make."

And I say, thank God. Not thank God he made the choice he did, but thank God those were the only two alternatives available to him. Who's ever in charge of vetting his choices should be given a medal. Madman or America. You ask me, that's a slam dunk from a step ladder. But I'll tell you what keeps me up late at night: questions that rattle the brain and contort the soul. What if our President's choices had been a mite more complex? Less black and white and more of a grayish hue?

What I'm getting at here is, if his options were different would his decision to "defend" America have been different as well? What if perhaps he had to choose to either trust the word of a madman or wear shoes made out of fudge? At State dinners? For the rest of his term? Fortunately for all of us, we may never have to find out the answer to that conundrum. But perhaps it's time we make a pre-emptive determination and ask the President to elucidate his position on a few other alternatives. For instance, it might be in the best interests of all Americans to discern:

How would you choose between protecting American lives or poking marine iguanas in the eye with soldering guns? What would your choice be then?

What about defending International peace or cracking walnut shells with your forehead? On the TNT Network? What about Brazil nuts? Seamless pistachios?

Imagine this: your mom, Barbara Bush, goes totally bald or you unknowingly blow snot bubbles during the whole of a State of the Union Address. Either you're in or you're out, right now.

Explain your position on not exploiting the world's tenuous truce for cheap oil, or be forced to decorate your daughter's wedding cake with anchovy stuffed olives? What if it meant both your daughters' wedding cakes? Okay, now replace the olives with dried aardvark snouts.

Where would you come down on the question of American boys killed by friendly fire during the execution of an unnecessary war or throwing bottles of Chanel brand Noir Nuit nail polish at polar bears in safe, zoo diorama-type environments? How 'bout in the wild?

Lady or the tiger? We all know Clinton's position on this one.

Sleeping with garlic cream cheese mashed potato earmuffs, or no-bid Halliburton contracts?

Trimming the rough edges off the Constitution, or breathing through snorkels made out of raw meat? How bout swimming in a pool full of pot roast gravy? What if you could proxy the swimming through the judicious use of dwarves?

Lose an election or cheat?

These and other tough decisions are on the minds of voters and I challenge the President to express out loud his hard choices.
Will Durst would definitely opt for the raw meat snorkle. Breathe and chew – the only thing missing is beer.