News & Politics

Going to the Johns

The senator from North Carolina is smilier than a beauty queen prancing down a sequined runway past the judges' table.
Well, the Democrats finally punched their ticket and surprise, surprise, it's the Johns: Kerry and Edwards. Personally, I'm shocked. Who would have thought Kerry would turn out to be such a pragmatist? He actually put aside his personal feelings and picked a guy to help the ticket. Are we sure this guy is actually a Democrat? Someone check his credentials.

In some years, the VP choice is used to enhance the candidate's Presidential appearance, but that was never John Kerry's problem. As a matter of fact, his biggest problem is he looks too Presidential. Every time I see him, I worry the Lincoln animatron has escaped from Disney's Hall of Presidents. He even has a voice that should be coming from a wax cylinder, "And I say, to the people of the Confederacy..."

In that way Edwards was an odd choice, because all by himself, the senator from Massachusetts seems, what's the polite word: "glum," or "dour," or "bleak" or "dreary" or "morose." But the senator from North Carolina is smilier than a beauty queen prancing down a sequined runway past the judges' table. Standing next to him, Kerry exudes something closer to "despair." Together, the two look like "The Undertaker and the Cheerleader," new, this fall, from FOX.

When the inevitable Republican attacks on Edwards started four nanoseconds into his announced run, they trotted out the timeworn crowd-pleasing favorites like, "unexperienced," "out of the mainstream" and "pessimistic" as opposed to the Bush administration's unadorned "optimism." But because of the unique nature of Edwards' style, they had to alter this last charge to "pessimism with a smile." Doesn't have the same bite if you ask me.

It is said big time Democrats desperately wanted Dourman to pick Happy Face since he has captured the imagination of the Party like nothing else since James Carville started polishing his head and Hillary Clinton wore a headband. He's a Kentucky Fried Kennedy. Clinton without the cigar. A young Lloyd Bentsen. Okay, I went too far, but you get my drift.

You also have to understand if Kerry had picked Richard Gephardt, we media types would have been waxing nostalgic about the charismatic Gore- Lieberman campaign. And they say Governor Tom Valsick of Iowa, the other guy rumored to be a front-runner is inordinately shy and doesn't like campaigning. You know what? Washington DC is not a good place for a shy politician. Iowa is a good place for a shy politician.

Of course, in the end, it's all moot anyhow. The Veep is as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Maybe 3 senate votes a year, a couple of foreign funerals and a giant pair of scissors to officiate at freeway ribbon cuttings. Think about it, who do you know who grows up in America chanting "We're no. 2. We're no. 2." Especially in November?
Will Durst doesn't chant well.
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Election 2018