News & Politics

The Good, the Bad and the Confusing

As the race approaches its close, we take a look the progress we've made thus far in the 2004 Democratic primaries.
Q. What's happening with the Democrats?
A. Well, as you may have guessed, it's boiled down to essentially a two-man race in their attempt to pick the rich white guy they think has the best shot against Bush in November.

Q. Which must be good. More time for the top dogs to stand out, right?
A. Well, it's certainly good for Edwards.

Q. Meaning it's bad for Kerry?
A. Not necessarily. As long as he's winning, he gets to pretty much dictate the terms of the race. Like his decision to participate in only two debates before Super Tuesday, instead of the three hundred and forty-eight Edwards wanted. And Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton get to keep their shovels and buckets and play in the sand as well.

Q. So, that's good?
A. Some good, because the Opposition Party now has fewer voices on the nightly news attacking the President's policies on a regular basis, and it needs Sharpton and Kucinich to keep the attacks strident. Which Edwards and Kerry can't do, because they're too busy sounding Presidential.

Q. That's bad?
A. Could be good, too, because most recent polls show both Senators Edwards and Kerry leading Bush.

Q. Sounds excellent. But then again, probably not, right?
A. See, it's not all that good. At this very time 8 years ago, the living sarcophagus, Bob Dole, was ahead of Bill Clinton.

Q. I see your point, but still, it can't be bad.
A. You're right, it's not, since it puts Bush on the defensive.

Q. Which is good?
A. Well, could be good. Could be bad, too. Just like Dean made Kerry and Edwards better candidates, the Democrats have to worry about awakening the sleeping beast inside Bush, and yes, I do mean Dick Cheney.

Q. Ooh, that's bad, right?
A. Well...

Q. Wait, wait, let me guess. It's good in a way, but in other ways, it's bad. Right?
A. You know, I think you're getting the hang of it here. Yes, it's a little of both. As long as Edwards keeps his "Happy Face" campaign going strong and avoids the temptation to attack Kerry, it's a good thing. But something happens to people who get this close to the residents' entrance of the White House. Their minds start to go. They begin to explore all their options, and if one of them includes the slinging of mud, well, keep those barrels of dirt and the water hose handy.

Q. That would be bad, right?
A. Well, for those of you who think we need a barometric reading on how Kerry reacts under pressure, now might be a better time than later, if you know what I mean.

Q. So, it's good that Edwards continues to imitate the Energizer Bunny?
A. Well, you do want to allow the eventual winner enough time to prepare for the general election.

Q. Right. Everyone has been so polite lately, are you sure these are Democrats?
A. After seeing Dean and Gephardt both eat big beige banana slugs due to their Murder-Suicide pact in Iowa, its obvious what the Democratic party faithful want, and that's electability. Which is hard to get from a bleeding stump of a candidate on life support.

Q. Are you calling Kerry the most-electable Democrat?
A. No, Kerry is calling Kerry the most-electable Democrat.

Q. Is the general impression that Edwards should drop out or stay in?
A. Well, Super Tuesday is coming up and it would be nice to have California involved for once, if for nothing more than to let the media see the sun, which might put them in a better mood.

Comedian Will Durst hasn't even talked about Nader, which is frightening but not all that confusing.
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