News & Politics

Super Bowl FAQ

A handy primer on this week's biggest story.
Q. Do you seriously mean to tell me this country's entire radio, television and print media worlds went on a three day saturation bender of self-righteousness simply because we got to see Janet Jackson's boob for a split-second in a long shot during the Super Bowl halftime show?

A. Well, to be fair to the press, not much else was happening this week; just a couple or seven primaries in not so important states and an admission by the President's chief arms uncoverer that there are no arms to uncover -- and the reasons we were forced to preemptively kill, I'm sorry, liberate, thousands of Iraqis never really existed. Oh yeah, and some suicide bombers. But we've gotten used to them by now.

Q. All this outrage was directed at the baring of one right breast, right?

A. Yeah. What's your point? Boobies are evil. Ask John Ashcroft. Imagine the outcry if her left breast had been exposed.

Q. What did happen to her left breast?

A. Reportedly, it signed a development deal with Fox.

Q. Well, the whole halftime show was kind of raunchy, wasn't it?

A. Compared to "Touched by an Angel," yeah. But actually, what America saw was an 8-minute truncated version of MTV, with indoor helicopter shots.

Q. What would you say to your kid after watching that?

A. I don't know. I'd probably be happy for the diversion so I didn't have to explain the side effect warning on the impotence drug commercial that advised anybody experiencing 4-hour erections to seek medical attention.

Q. What does FCC chairman Michael Powell mean by a swift and thorough investigation?

A. Just what he said. And you can bet it will be a lot swifter and thorougher than the Enron investigation, or the Robert Novak leak investigation, or the 9/11 investigation, or the CIA lack of intelligence investigation. This is about politics, not morality. I mean ... the other way around.

Q. Who will ultimately bear the responsibility?

A. Right now, the blame wheel is spinning. Currently, the FCC's crosshairs are rotating between MTV, CBS, AOL, the PLO, IRA, KGB and NPR. Especially NPR.

Q. Not IBM or UPS?

A. No, and not AT&T or the IRS either. They're not totally stupid, you know.

Q. Don't you think Powell's being a little disingenuous, especially considering what sound you make when attempting to pronounce the name of his commission?

A. That's not funny.

Q. My god, hasn't anybody ever seen a breast before?

A. That isn't the point.

Q. What is the point?

A. The point is, a lot of people were eating guacamole at the time, and dip flew off the chip when the "wardrobe malfunction" went down -- and you know how avocado stains upholstery. You can never get those grease spots out.

Q. Out greased spot.

A. What?

Q. Nothing. Have you tried soda water?

A. You mean like Coke?

Q. No, tonic water, anything clear and carbonated.

A. No, that's a good idea, thanks, I'll give it a try.

Q. Dab at it, don't rub it.

A. Not a question.

Q. What was CBS's biggest regret?

A. This was not a reviewable call.

Q. What was MTV's official statement?

A. "Our goal with the Super Bowl halftime show was to produce an entertaining stage experience with a positive message about empowerment.” And you're not empowered by seeing a mammary gland with a Christmas ornament hanging from it?”

Q. Is Michael Powell going to have Janet Jackson spanked for this? And if so, will it be televised on MTV TRL?

A. Actually, with a new CD coming out in eight weeks, she might ride this puppy to the top of the charts, even if they ban her from the Grammies. The real losers are we, the American people, since CBS is bound to rebook their next turn of the Super Bowl Wheel with three-time veteran halftime performers, "Up With People."

Q. By the way, who won this year's Super Bowl?

A. Can't remember. I think the crotch-biting dog beat the flatulent horse, but I'm not sure.

Will Durst is a flatulent dawg.
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