News & Politics

Pray for St. Rush

A vast left wing conspiracy is responsible for Rush Limbaugh's unfortunate addiction to hillbilly heroine.
In a revelation a little less expected than the Catholic Church leaking evidence Mother Teresa ruled with an iron fist as capo di capo of an international prostitution ring, right wing radio ranter Rush Limbaugh admitted to his audience that he is a drug addict and needs to take five weeks off to check into rehab. And this is no minor problem with the tokey-smokey. This is a major big time addiction to OxyContin. A time release synthetic opiate. Hillbilly heroin. Only marginally better than getting hooked on White Trash White Crosses or Compassionate Conservative Crack Cocaine.

Some of you smug critics may consider this fall from grace a failure of the man or the spirit, or even an ironic moment worthy of Jim Fix dying while jogging or Mark Furhman speaking at a Martin Luther King testimonial dinner, but let's face it, the fault for this descent into the depths of despair can not be laid at Rush's feet. It's as plain as the walls in the Honeymooners' kitchen that the real reason the man "with talent on loan from God" has been sucked into the heart of this harrowing habit, is due to concerted efforts on behalf of his loathsome legion of liberal enemies. As Rush himself often says, "I may not have any proof, but, my friends, I know what I know."

Obviously, Limbaugh is just a victim. The real responsibility for his journey to the halls of junkie hell falls squarely onto the shoulders of the person at the center of all the evils currently existing in the world; the sinister soul brother of Saddam and Osama themselves, Bill Clinton, and the bride he enthusiastically shares with Satan, Hillary Rodham Clinton. It had to have been them and their constant frustration of the will of the people based on their commie pinko yellow rat bastard policies that drove our hero of the heartland into this depraved state.

Or perhaps the implications are cast with a darker tinge? Because you can't tell me this is solely the work of a policy wonk and his rod-up-the-butt spouse. An action this sinister and nefarious could only have been brought about with assistance from the Devil. Yes, my friends, I said the Devil. Who knows what demonic rituals must have been performed by Hillary and her coven of feminist witches naked under a full moon, to effect this abomination? Surely a few muttered black spells were not sufficient to cause Rush to take the fateful stumble that injured his back. In order to bend the will of so strong a life force, it must have taken a whole succession of sacrifices, and I ain't talking no chickens or sheep here. Human sacrifices.

It's impossible to estimate how many black masses must have been required to cloud the minds of men of medicine to rush Rush along the socialized path to this criminal regimen of illegal pain killers. One can only marvel at the fiendish and diabolical powers of darkness under Hillary's wicked command. And as a cautionary note, understand that success may embolden these maniacal crones. Trained in the art of unholy rituals, they may now be focusing their dark forces at innocent ditto heads all over the country. So, stay ever vigilant you Rush supporters. Don't let your guard down. This battle has been ratcheted up to a fight between darkness and light. Between good and evil itself. Between us and them. Pray for Saint Rush.

Will Durst is definitely on the side of good, whatever that is.

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