News & Politics

Recalling Slappy

Thanks to car-alarm king Darrell Issa's deep and noisy pockets, we, the Golden-plated state have recaptured the zenith of zany.
Well, its about time. After playing second fiddle to Florida for years, California has risen to the top of the heap once more. Thanks to car-alarm king Darrell Issa's deep and noisy pockets, we, the Golden-plated state have recaptured the zenith of zany. The mantle of madcap. We are once again the captains of crackpot, the wardens of wacky. Well, you get the idea. The whole world is watching our silly exercise in political hari-kari. Sure, they're giggling so hard they can't hold their martini glasses steady enough to drink out of, but at least they're talking. And as they say in Hollywood, there is no such thing as bad publicity.

The proponents of the recall of Gray Davis are trying a mite too hard to convince everyone their actions are the will of the people and not a coup. I don't know much about coups but when one party can't win a single state wide seat in the general election, then ghosts one of their rich right wing weasel nuts to single handedly finance a recall of the Governor, that sounds like as good a coup as any. As my daddy always used to say: "If it looks like a coup, sounds like a coup, walks like a coup, smells like a coup and has coup written all over it with day-glo orange and green spray paint, then the whole coup thing might be the way you want to lean."

One thing you got to say about the Republicans, they don't give up easily. Impeach Clinton, steal Florida, redistrict Texas, recall Davis. You know what, these guys had better watch out or they're going to get slapped with the reputation of being extremely sore losers. Wouldn't be surprised if their next tactic were to have John Ashcroft suspend the 2004 Presidential election to spare the country a severe bout of divisiveness.

The Democrats are confused on how to deal with the recall. Of course, the Democrats are also confused on how to deal with Iraq, the economy, stem cell research and rum soaked cinnamon pudding. It doesn't help that Governor Gray Davis is as beloved as a rabid flatulent wolverine juggling chain saws at a day care center. I'm not saying this guy has alienated as many people as Uday and Qusay Hussein... alright, I am saying it.

Part of the problem is every time he opens his mouth, his poll numbers plummet and he refuses to shut up. The man has the personality of a human speed bump. The charisma of kelp. Another part of the problem is his name: Gray. Has ever a man been more appropriately named? What he needs is a nickname. Something like Slappy. Slappy Davis. Who's going to sign a recall petition for Slappy Davis?

The motivations for the removing him do seem a bit contrived. He said there was going to be a deficit and there was... albeit larger than he announced. And he's the villain. Bush said there was going to be a surplus and there was a $400 billion federal deficit and he's the hero. I guess Davis missed the page where he invades Oregon after accusing them of harboring phantom weapons of mass destruction.

At first the Democrat's strategy was to concentrate on fighting the recall in an attempt to keep all their candidates off the ballot, but now some party regulars are running scared threatening to break ranks, and trust me, rank is the operative word here. Aspirants are streaming out of the woodwork like water from the radiator of a cop car in any Schwarzenegger movie. Before the filing deadline for inclusion on the ballot passes, over 100 candidates could be listed, including Issa, Bill Simon, Timothy McClintock, Richard Riordan, Angelyne, the billboard queen of LA, and possibly both Michael and Arrianna, the battling Huffingtons. As a matter of fact, with so many names and rules declaring the winner needing only a plurality, California's next governor could be a candidate who receives as little as 10%. That's 10% of the 20% of California residents estimated to show up at the polls. Won't that be a wonderful era in Sacramento? Governing the 7th largest economy in the world with a mandate of 2 percent of the people. Of course that's probably twice what Gray has now.

The best route for the Democrats is to sponsor me as stalking horse. Backing a comedian emphasizes the ludicrosity of this midterm recall, and if elected, I promise to resign after one day letting Cruz Bustamante appoint my successor. But I do want that one day. Mostly for the pension and health care benefits, but mostly because I want to pass a single bill declaring all car alarms in the state of California to be illegal.

Will Durst is accepting donations for the filing fee. Oh yes he is.
Sign Up!
Get AlterNet's Daily Newsletter in Your Inbox
+ sign up for additional lists
Select additional lists by selecting the checkboxes below before clicking Subscribe:
Election 2018