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Slut

He called me a slut today...
He called me a slut today. At first I could hear it in the distance, a gentle roar, then louder, with growing omnipotence. Surrounding me, encompassing my being as a whole, a whirlwind of earth and wind, fire and water, increasing in intensity and speed. Instantly, with the utterance of the abominable word, the elements, united in strength, crashed down around me, protecting me from the harshness of the expletive. He just walked away, ignorant to the magnitude of what he had conjured. I wonder if he would have said that if he knew that I am a virgin.

"Hey gorgeous," I say as I chew on my pen.

Smile. Hard look. Recognition. Frown. His girlfriend looks up as I sensually pull the pen out of my mouth. Glare. Jealousy is insecurity. My mom says that she is insecure. She says that insecure people should find themselves before they attempt to find a boyfriend. But, then again, my mom is still married, still insecure. So, of course, I play into his girlfriend's insecurity. A whisper here, an arm snaked around his waist there. Now she is wondering, sitting in awkward silence as I virulently tease the love of her life. Stupid. Disgusting, vile girl. She says nothing, but she is pumped with electricity. Shocked and horrified and excited and scared. Sometimes I wish I could feel jealousy, but at the same time I refuse to allow myself feel anything. Numb. Comfortably numb, like the song by Pink Floyd. Only fear is exciting. Causing fear is even better. Everyone should just accept that primal instincts are not bad. Those impulses are what define us, although society tells us that what characterizes us is how well we can repress those instincts. Society is wrong. But society will not change. And until it does, I will not change. As long as people view me as a slut, I have a secure position in society. Why shouldn't I play into it? Sex-crazed boys will always flirt with me. And I will always screw with their heads Exciting and arousing to the full extent, and then shooting them down at the last possible moment. I am a horrible person.

Kristin Ghilardi, 17, lives in Saugus, California.
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