News & Politics

The Great Debate

Well, we weren't sure when it was going to happen, but our impending war with Iraq has finally risen to the noble heights of a reality TV show on Fox hosted by Playboy twins.
Well, we weren't sure when it was going to happen, but our impending war with Iraq has finally risen to the noble heights of a reality TV show on Fox hosted by Playboy twins. Seizing the public relations initiative like the neck of a Kurdish bell boy, Saddam Hussein challenged George W Bush to a steel cage match with the two of them naked hurling sharpened shards of blue UN helmets at each other. No, I'm sorry, that's Tonya Harding and Peggy Noonan on the WB or something.

All Hussein wants is a face-to-face debate. Him and the Buhman. Mano a mano. (Cue Mohammed Ali's voice: "I want Joe Frazier.") With one simple stroke, the Iraqi Strongman has pried the preeminent propaganda position away from the President. But I think they might be misunderstimating our Commander-in-Chief again. Don't forget, this is the same trap Ann Richards and Al Gore eagerly climbed into and couldn't get out of.

And even though the Bush camp is chomping at the bit so hard you can hear the saliva splashing on the embroidered arrows in the eagle's claw on the Oval Office rug, knowing they'd wipe the semantic mat with the Butcher of Baghdad, the administration has respectfully declined. It's your typical incumbent Tyrannical Despot move. Never debate the challenging Tyrannical Despot while you're still ahead in the polls.

I expect the rest of the action from both sides will be straight out of the Tyrannical Despot Election Manual authored by Lee Atwater. Lies. Gross exaggerations of the other guy's record. Then some shambling shirtsleeve weapons destruction. Followed by attack ads. Although it does say in Chapter 4 that when your opponent ducks a debate, standard operating procedure dictates you hire somebody to dress up in a giant chicken costume and follow him around. And knowing Hussein, he'll rub it in, and have the guy in the chicken costume squawk in a French accent.

Will Durst can't wait for the season ending finale of this series: "I'm a Tyrannical Despot: Get Me the Hell Out of Here!"
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