Church 'N' State: Mississippi Sponsors Abstinence Fair

An open letter.

Editor's note: It's satire, folks!

The Holy Virgins of Mississippi

Don Thompson

Executive Director

Mississippi Department of Human Services



Mr. Thompson,

I hear your annual Abstinence Fair and Wash Yourself in the Blood of Jesus Expo is coming up. I'm hoping you'll use it to celebrate yesterday's announcement that Mississippi tops the nation in the number of teen pregnancies. That's quite an accomplishment for a state that promotes abstinence as ferociously as Glenn Beck hankers for a Wendy's Frosty™.

I'm a bit worried, however, that many will not fully grasp what this honor truly means. I mean, my gosh, a single case of immaculate conception is a genuine miracle and you've experienced tens of thousands. That's amazing, especially since it's occurring now, at a time when the Antichrist is alive and feasting on the corpses of Christian children somewhere deep within his White House lair.

I can't wait to watch as all these children grow strong as they temper themselves in the fires of poverty, incarceration, and societal neglect and emerge into adulthood, fully prepared for a life of servitude.

We have your abstinence policies to thank for that.

Heterosexually yours,


Gen. JC Christian, patriot


General JC Christian is a devout conservative and the proprietor of Jesus' General.
Sign Up!
Get AlterNet's Daily Newsletter in Your Inbox
+ sign up for additional lists
Select additional lists by selecting the checkboxes below before clicking Subscribe:
Election 2018