News & Politics

To Iraq or Not To Iraq

What Donald Rumsfeld would say when he tries justifying war on Iraq: "Because of a guy named Saddam Hussein. That's what we got here people. Another Hitler. Only swarthier."
And now we join Donald Rumsfeld as he addresses the Senate justifying the administration's intransigent policy of preparing to attack Iraq. "So you got to be told why we need to invade Iraq, hunh? This is assuming my word isn't good enough for you, which is what you're trying to tell me, right? You specifically, Mister fancy big time New York monkey boy. Don't think I'm going to forget this. The rest of you agree with this greasy little runt? Well, okay then, I will tell you why we need to invade Iraq and invade it right now. Because of a guy named Saddam Hussein. Anybody heard of him? Well, you know how bad of a guy he was before?

Well, now he's worse. Much worse. And he's not getting any better. I don't imagine any of you ladies remember that whole Kuwaiti invasion deal a couple years back? Consider that a tiny burp in the great meal of world conquest he's shaking his knife and fork at these days. How 'bout that cute little stunt where he used poison gas on his own people? A cigar butt in the meringue of a lemon tart left behind the lamp on the coffee table next to the fireplace of global terror he's just itching to light up. At any minute. We don't know WHEN he's going to finish his diabolical experiments. We DO know he's stockpiling WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. How do we know that? Because he's always stockpiling WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. That's what he does. He's a born WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION stockpiler.

Why do you think he won't let inspectors in? Yeah, I know, he recently invited arms inspections by UN experts. But not unconditional inspections. C'mon, its a trick. We all know its a trick. Why would he do it, if it wasn't a trick? He's got weapons we don't even know what the hell they do. You want that on your conscience? You want to wake up with your children suffering from unconventional weapons? And yeah, don't worry, our allies are going to support us. You want to know why our allies are going to support us? Because leadership in the right direction finds followers and supporters, that's why. And attacking Iraq is the right direction. All we propose here is a simple pre-emptive strike. Hit him before he hits us. And he's planning to hit us, people. You know, you whiny nay sayers are the same pansy asses responsible for letting Hitler run stupid in the 30s. That's what we got here people. Another Hitler. Only swarthier. And those are the reasons why we need to invade Iraq. Any questions? Aah, the heck with it. I am out of here."

Will Durst has a few questions. More than a few actually.

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