News & Politics

The Figurehead Game

In which Vice President Dick Cheney picks out his dream warlord by asking who hates Saddam Hussein the most.
Cue Theme Music.

Jim Lange: And now it's time to play The Figurehead Game. Let's meet your prospective employer. He's a former Cabinet member, a successful oilman, the present Vice President and no fan of microwave ovens, gentlemen, say hello to Dick Cheney.

Warlords #s 1, 2, 3: Hello Dick.

Jim Lange: Mr. Cheney, you know the rules, let's get started.

Cheney: Warlord #1. If we hooked up with your horde, what would be your first move to impress George W. Bush?

Warlord # 1: I would bathe in the blood of Hussein and his Republican Guard.

Cheney: Yeah, okay. Warlord #2, same question.

Warlord # 2: In a cedar box with a velvet lining, I would present Mister Bush with the ears of Saddam Hussein and his entire family roped together in a necklace the President could wear at official functions.

Cheney: Nice visual. Warlord #3, how much do you hate Hussein?

Warlord # 3: I hate him very much. He has oppressed our people and caused great hardship for too long. And as a direct result of his policies children are starving.

Cheney: Really. Interesting. Warlord # 1, how much do you hate Saddam Hussein?

Warlord # 1: I want to bathe in his blood, what does that tell you? That I like him? No, it is the opposite, I hate Saddam Hussein.

Cheney: Yeah, but how much? Impress me.

Warlord # 1: So much, I get knots the size of stewed goatheads in my bowels whenever I think of him. Not only will I bathe in his blood, I also pledge to hang my beach towel on his intestines. Fill his knee caps with guacamole. Rip his mustache off and have local artisans weave it into an oil filter for my Mercedes.

Cheney: Excellent, that's the kind of initiative I'm looking for. I mean, we're looking for. Warlord # 2, what kind of government would you replace Hussein's tyrannical regime with?

Warlord # 2: I would succeed Hussein's oppressive rule with 10,000 years of peace and harmony where children would sing and flowers would grow.

Cheney: What kind of flowers?

Warlord # 2: Poppies.

Cheney: Wrong answer. Warlord # 3, how would you supplant the ruthless domination currently in charge?

Warlord # 3: I foresee a democratically elected group of citizens acting as the people's representatives according to their wishes. Much like your Congress.

Cheney: Loser.

Warlord #3: I meant your Supreme Court.

Cheney: Better. Warlord #1? Same question.

Warlord # 1: I'm a Warlord. I would rule like a Warlord. Excuse me, let me make that clearer, I would rule like a Warlord indebted to Mr. Bush and all his emissaries.

Cheney: I think I've made my decision.

Jim Lange: And who, Mr. Cheney, do you choose as your dream Figurehead?

Cheney: The guy with the funny voice, Warlord #1.

Jim Lange: You picked feared Warlord and head of the opposition, Abu Al bin Hussein.

Cheney: We're going to have to talk about that.

Jim Lange: Let's see where you will be going. You will fly on Air Force Two to an undisclosed location for an indeterminate length of time for a secret meeting which everyone in the world will know about. That's it for us. Join us next week when Terry MacAuliffe auditions prospective Democratic Presidential candidates and doesn't tell Al Gore, in another edition of The Figurehead Game.

Will Durst probably will be on next week's show.