News & Politics

Knee-Jerk Allegiance

The U.S. Senate voted 99-0 to include the word 'God' in the Pledge of Allegiance. Too bad they can't have that kind of consensus waking Jesse Helms with a gavel to the head.
99-0. That my friends is the final vote upon which our honorable US Senatorial Representatives came out in favor of the inclusion of the word "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. 99-0. We can't get that kind of consensus on Clean Air. 99-0. Yep, and thanks to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, (planted in the fertilest bowels of San Francisco's Hippie Dippie Valley, right next to the Commie Commune) the most dangerous place for small children this 4th of July was not on a picnic blanket sharing the same barge as a first time drunken one armed replacement fireworks shooter-offer, but on a parade route between a politician and the nearest flag. And those who failed to have themselves photographed wrapped in multiple folds of red white and blue cotton muslin were busy knocking down old folks and cripples in their rush for those choice aisle seats in the front pew. Any front pew. You know, where the zoom lenses can freeze the candid tear rolling halfway down the sincere cheek.

It's the equivalent of a political primer Trifecta: God, the Flag and the 4th of July. These aren't third rails, these are the generators that provide the power for the third rails. You don't get this one right, you might want to check into recent vacancies at various sheep insemination plants hereabouts. I have the craigslist's URL around here somewhere.

People, don't get me wrong, I totally understand this is the first birthday of our country since (deep breath, whispered chant) the tragic events of Sept. 11, but for crum's sake, hey! Everybody quit twitching and settle down. We're in danger of drowning in a sea of knee jerk patriotism. It's shooting out of us like tri colored projectile vomit. We might need those colors someday, don't wear them out. You ever hear of the little boy who cried "Holy shit?"

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You know what, the court was right. The word "God" has never had any business in the Pledge of Allegiance. It didn't rear its cheap sentimental head until the Red Scare of '54 and it should be banished to Jerry Falwell's pulpit faster than you can say "cheap political ploy in an election year, I'm shocked." Go ahead, swivel around all hunched over ferretlike and laser me tauntingly, "Well, excuse me Mr. Strict Constitutionalist, why don't we just take the word 'God' off our money and out of our court system as well then." Okay. Lets.

Which part of the separation of Church and State do you people not understand? Grab your feel good jollie rocks from somewhere else and keep your grubby mitts out of my Constitutional cupboard. 99-0. Amazing. Like to see the Senate reach the same consensus on waking Jesse Helms by using a ceremonial gavel across the forehead.

In case anybody is interested, Will Durst swings a mean gavel.