News & Politics

Global Warming Is Good

Nova Scotia surf resorts. Home grown bananas. You won't have to retire to Arizona, Arizona will come to you.
Okay, now let me get this straight. First, the Bush administration and yeah, I mean both George I and George II, says, "No, no, no. Global warming is just a weenie liberal myth. More fuzzy science. And any tree hugger who does believe in this global warming fairy tale is an Eco-Nazi out to destroy America's free market advantage and should be shipped on ice in a refrigerator car to Siberia so they can die with their commie-loving comrades." Oil company scientists were hired to pooh-pooh serious science with contrary puff studies: "Global warming doesn't exist. As a matter of fact we think the exact opposite is true. Whatever that is. We're not quite sure, but whatever the reverse of global warming is, that's what's really going on." Yeah, they had scientists. Just like the tobacco companies had scientists. You got enough money, you can hire scientists to prove that peanut butter is the perfect grouting material for bathroom tile.

That constituted the Republican attitude for decades. Then last week they scooted around a United Nations corner with a required report mumbling behind their cupped hand, "Well maybe this whole global warming thing isn't so mocked up after all." Excuse me? The hell was that? Did you just suck up about thirty years worth of vitriol and we didn't get to watch you swallow? This is what drives me nuts. Screaming and vilifying and the pulling of opposition hair, and then, when it suits certain needs, our backs are suddenly up against the wall, it's: "Oh by the way, we changed our mind. We weren't wrong. Simply time to move on." No apologies, no mea culpas, no kiss my ass, no nothing. And now, NOW, that Bush admitted that perhaps global warming does exist and may indeed be the handiwork of man himself, his advice to the industrial nations of the world is "we must adapt." Years of study, millions on research, and the reasoned advice of our leaders is "GET USED TO IT!" Like a guy neck deep in quicksand looking around and yelling to friends whose shoulders he's standing on; "Yeah, we can live like this. Hey, quit wriggling around down there."

The latest tripe being ground out of the ever busy spinmeister factory is now that global warming exists, turns out, no worries, it's actually good for us. Forests will grow faster and summers will last longer. The eternal droughts and continental erosion and melting polar ice caps, that's what you call your collateral damage. Can't have an omelette without breaking a couple eggs. It's the bright side of global warming. Nova Scotia surf resorts. Home grown bananas. You won't have to retire to Arizona, Arizona will come to you.

Will Durst thinks the eggs are us and he's a double yolk.