News & Politics

Dubya's Brightest Bulb

The President called Colin Powell's Mideast mission a success. A success? Why? Because he came back? What is this? "Survivor: The West Bank?
So, let me get this straight. The President welcomed Colin Powell back to Washington calling his Mideast mission a success. A success? Why? Because he came back? Talk about grading on a curve.

What is this? "Survivor: The West Bank?" Outwit. Outlast. Split Early. And Powell is who exactly, Richard Hatch? Are you telling me that's all you got got do these days is endure? Well, fancy that. Each and every one of us have been big old successes all this time simply by clinging onto existence and we just didn't realize it.

Besides, what the hell are they doing sending the administration's brightest bulb over there in the first place? He's the least expendable of these oily fratboys. Of course the most extraneous is George W. and one can't have that, now can one? Or, can one? Hmmm. Interesting.

Still, someone has to tell Dubya, you term a mission like that "a success" and you seriously run the risk of setting the bar way too freakin' low Bubba. Problem is, pretty soon the whole world catches on to your tricky serves and they start to rocket them right back at you. And as you've probably guessed, I've come up with a couple of examples.

Will Durst's sample prototypes of how Bush's predilection for lowered expectations can come back to bite him in the butt.

-- Air Force One's pilot can express his opinion that landing in Orlando instead of Tallahassee is hella close enough. "Why you sweating me, Dawg?"

The State Department is now free to term Operation Enduring Freedom an unqualified victory: "Even though we still don't know where Osama bin Laden is, one thing you can be sure of, he ain't answering his cell phone no more."

-- Yasser Arafat can declare he's actually ramping down the Mideast violence by utilizing young female suicide bombers, because they carry less explosives.

-- His daughters are able to tell him they've fully stopped drinking a minimum of 16 hours every day. When you do the math, they're virtually sober.

-- Ariel Sharon can say even though he sent tanks into the West Bank again, he actually was observing the truce because all the the tank treads were painted to blend in with the ensuing rubble. "Its a compassionate incursion."

-- His Chief of Staff can assure him the projected loss of Republican Congressional seats in the fall election is bound to be less than they fear it will.

-- His wife Laura informs him that because the couch is only a pillow throw from the bed, practically speaking they're still enjoying connubial bliss.

-- Trent Lott can boast how excited he is lining up almost enough votes to break that Democratic Senate filibuster. "Came real close that time."

-- Saddam Hussein can use this same strategy to allow UN weapons inspections to verify only the female rest rooms at Chuck E. Cheese franchises. Although that wouldn't be much of a change.

Employing this novel approach, Will Durst really is America's premier political comedian.
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