News & Politics

Die, Smokers, Die!

Smokers save society money by dying quickly. Other ways to "thin the herd" include giving out free bullets, making airbags illegal and requiring prescriptions for fresh fruit.
Philip Morris just held a sham press conference professing their extreme sorrow for sponsoring a Czech Government study proving every smoker's death saves the state $1227 on future health care, pensions and housing benefits.

They chided their own unacceptable disregard for basic human values and severely rebuked themselves for putting profit above mortal life to such a nauseatingly cloying level I was surprised when mister spokesperson turned from the podium and didn't display a "Kick Me" sign taped to his back. Blah blah blah. Yeah, right, whatever. Nice attempt at damage control, but the point is, their original study was right.

Its what I've been saying all along. It may not be a pretty tale, but there are indirect positive effects from smokers. Smokers save the government money. We die quick. None of this drawn out lingering crap. Who's clogging up all the hospitals beds using bedpans full of rare expensive drugs leading to the ruination of our health care system? Old people. Smokers don't get old. A couple of racking hacks, a bucket of spit up blood and bam, its over. And Philip Morris has the documents to prove it, and could be doing more important research except for some namby pamby liberal do- gooders scaring them into recanting thus avoiding a lot of foot stomping, finger pointing and Congressional inquiring.

Scoff it you must, but smokers aid society. Besides providing an easy scapegoat for all the community's ills, we hardly use any of our social security benefits which should give some politicians pause what with the whole boomer crisis looming like a punctured triple trailer oil tanker hurtling down Pike's Peak after losing its brakes.

Its similar to how corporations cut down their staffs, through a system of forced attrition. That's what this country needs to learn. How to become lean and mean.

And we shouldn't limit ourselves to smokers. You want to live long enough to become a financial albatross around the neck of your grandchildren, fine and dandy, but you're going to pay through the nose for it.


- Steep taxes placed on the sale of asparagus, broccoli and cauliflower.

- You need to purchase a permit in order to jog.

- Inner city black kids peddle passing motorists individual doses of B-12 .

- Municipalities provide jumping platforms on all bridges.

- Fresh fruit requires a doctor's prescription.

- All across the country school systems convert their cafeterias to McDonald's.

- Make airbags illegal.

- The army initiates a campaign to defoliate whole grain crops.

- Bars are open all night and the left lane is designated for drunk drivers.

- The four food groups are changed to sugar, salt, beer and grease.

- Cotton candy and bacon are handed out free at kiosks scattered around the city.

- Bullets are free. You still got to buy the guns. But the ammo is gratis.

Will Durst is excited about that whole bacon thing.
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