News & Politics

Scott Pruitt's Really Creepy Resignation Letter Praises Trump — And Has Bizarre Religious Overtones

There is a whole lot of blessing going on in Pruitt’s final homework assignment.

Photo Credit: TIME (via YouTube)

Fox News has been gifted with a copy of Scott Pruitt’s resignation letter. Or is that blessed? Because there is a whole lot of blessing going on in Pruitt’s final homework assignment.

Please find appropriate sad violin music before beginning to read this note.

It is extremely difficult for me to cease serving you in this role, first because I count it a blessing to be serving you in any capacity, but also because of the transformative work that is occurring.

That transformative work includes allowing coal mines to dump waste into streams and rivers, relieving oil and gas companies of the pesky business of letting anyone know when they leak huge plumes of methane into the air, allowing factory farms to flood streams with animal waste without even having to report on water or air quality. All of which is truly transformative for people who live downwind or downstream. And there are the pesticides that Pruitt saved from cruel regulation, the power plants now free to produce both more acid rain and bring the blessing of holy mercury to the nation’s diet. Yea, verily, these are blessings which are expected to leave 88,000 Americans transformed to the state of holy deadness over the next decade and leave millions more with the gift of asthma or nerve damage.

My desire in service to you has always been to bless you as you make important decisions for the American people. I belive you are serving as president today because of God’s providence. I believe the same providence brought me into your service.

Scott Pruitt didn’t just spend millions on first-class travel to spread the gospel of how to turn the planet into a soot-stained outhouse, it was a holy calling. That wasn’t a private army he built, it was soldiers of the lord-what-a-load.

If you were wondering why Pruitt lasted so long in a White House where the average tsetse fly exceeds the lifespan of a cabinet officer, take a look at that note again. That’s some serious shiny-knees knob polishing. It’s that level of suck-up-i-tude that allowed Pruitt to weather almost any storm. Because you can imagine just how much Donald Trump loves hearing this crap. 

Other cabinet officers should keep this around as a handy reference.

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Mark Sumner is the author of the nonfiction work "The Evolution of Everything" as well as several novels including "Devil's Tower."