Election 2016

WATCH: Colbert Relishes Candidates' Desperation in New Hampshire

Is Bernie Sanders our next openly resentful secretary of state?

Ah, New Hampshire, where stakes are higher than Iowa, explained host Stephen Colbert on "The Late Show." 

"The winners survive and move on to the next primary while the losers are released into the north woods to be hunted by their donors." And as is traditional with New Hampshire, there are some extremely early returns.

Ohio Governor John Kasich and Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders got an early boost by winning the hamlet in New Hampshire that is home to the first vote, Dixville Notch. Bernie Sanders eventually won the Democratic vote, while Kasich came in second to Donald Trump on the GOP side. 

In 2008, Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama even though he went on to win the nomination. This time, Sanders is leading Clinton by a wide margin, so he could be our next "openly resentful secretary of state," Colbert joked.

"Bernie Sanders hails from neighboring Vermont," said Colbert. "I'm not surprised he won since a large percentage of New Hampshirites cannot tell the difference on a map!" 

The "real" race is on the Republican side — though candidates may have become a little too desperate to prove themselves. Just two days ago, a New Hampshire woman gained notoriety for trying to eat her breakfast at a diner, despite Carly Fiorina campaigning just two feet away. 

The poor woman has since been photoshopped into Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks," "The Last Supper" and OJ Simpson's Bronco Chase.  

Carly Fiorina may have had the last laugh on this one, though. After not being invited to the GOP debate last Saturday, the former HP CEO won twice as many votes (4 percent) as Ben Carson (2 percent), who was actually there.

Watch the full segment below:

Alexandra Rosenmann is an AlterNet associate editor. Follow her @alexpreditor.

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