Election 2016

10 Big Surprises in Store For Tea Partiers Fleeing to Canada if Obama Wins

At least their Prime Minister will be white.

If there's one thing that screams 'patriotism' and love of country, it's fleeing the United States when a Democrat wins an election.

Here are but a few examples of the hundreds, if not thousands of Tea Party types who totally swear they're moving to Canada if the Kenyan usurper and his Zombie ACORN thugs win this thing.

The election could go either way, but Nate Silver gives Obama a 73 percent chance of winning right now. If he pulls it off, we think these folks are in for some surprises when they arrive in the land of oak leaves and maple syrup – here are a few things that may come as a shock to their conservative sensibilities.

1. Canadians Don't Enjoy The Freedom to Work Their Asses Off and Be Poor

If there's one thing we cherish down here, it's liberty! And part of that liberty is the right, enshrined in our Constitution, to work ourselves like dogs and stay mired in poverty.

So, these good Real Americans are going to be shocked to find that (after December), the lowest minimum wage in Canada is $9.90. Jeez, our highest minimum is 9 bucks in Washington state, but for most of us it's $7.25.

Even worse, there are crazy people up North trying to pass a living wage of $13. Gah – the socialism!

2. That Means Everyone's Unemployed, Right?

We all know that raising the minimum wage brings about the econopocalypse -- if not monsters from deep beneath the earth.

So, these folks may be in for quite a shock when they discover that Canada's unemployment rate, when calculated the same way we do, is about 1.5 percentage points lower than ours.

3. Jean Poutine Isn't the Prime Minister

One of those rascally Canucks had some fun at the expense of George W. Bush, asking him on the campaign trail if he appreciated getting the endorsement of Prime Minister Jean Poutine.

It may come as a shock that poutine is a concoction of French fries, cheese curds and gravy. The first 5 bites are the best thing you'll ever put in your mouth, regardless of your culinary or sexual proclivities. Then, a moment later, it cools and congeals into a foul, gelatinous mush. Enjoy!

4. Canada Sucks at Projecting Power

Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister, and your average Tea Partier might at first be pleased to discover that he is white and an Evangelical Christian. But they may then be shocked to discover that he's kind of like George W. Bush …but with no army!

Ok, they do have a military. But they spend $25 billion a year on it, which is $15 billion less than we spend on the Department of Homeland Security. Hell, Brazil spends more on its military.

Plus they whined so much about 150 soldiers getting killed in Afghanistan – and only 5 by American fire! – that Harper decided to pull them out.

5. They Speak French!

Lots of them do, especially in Quebec. I mean, it's one thing to have lots of Meskins around, but those French Canadians insist on having French on everything. Blech.

6. Pam Geller Is Illegal in Canada

Those Tea Partiers are going to be pretty shocked at this, via Wikipedia:

Hate speech laws in Canada include provisions in the Criminal Code of Canada, provisions in the Human Rights Act and in other federal legislation, and statutory provisions in each of Canada's ten provinces and three territories. The Criminal Code prohibits "hate propaganda." The Canadian Human Rights Act prohibits discrimination on various grounds, and forbids the posting of hateful or contemptuous messages on the Internet.

Feel the liberty!

7. Canucks Can't Shoot Straight

Or maybe something else is going on. While the homicide rate in the U.S. is twice that of Canada's, down here we're 15 timesmore likely to use handguns to kill each other.

Seriously, Canadians are just un-American.

8. Celine Dion Is a Superstar Up There

Enough said.

Late Update: A mob of furious Canadians has gathered outside our offices with signs saying, 'We hate Celine Dion,' and "Celine Who?' Some are burning American flags. 

We got this one terribly wrong and, in the interests of diffusing tensions, we would like to take this opportunity to apologize for our values.

8. As Soon As You Cross the Border, Your Opposite-Sex Marriage Is Ruined

Canada made same-sex couples into first-class citizens way back in 2005, thus ruining traditional marriage for everyone else. 

9. You Can Work and Raise a Family, Just Like In Communist China

Americans know the importance of hard work and family values, which is why, according to Harvard'sProject on Global Working Families, the United States is one of only four countries out of 173 studied that doesn't mandate some form of paid maternity leave. It's the American way! (And also the Liberian Way, the Papua New Guinean Way and the Swazilandian Way!)

But, sad to say, Canadians live under a tyrannical and oppressive scheme that allows new moms to take between 17 and 52 weeks of leave from their jobs, and be guaranteed the same salary when they return. Even worse, the gummint pays them to sit on their pregnant or new-mom asses for up to 15 weeks, doing nothing.

10. ZOMG, They Have The Worst Thing in The World!!

Imagine, in your thirst for freedom, you flee the abomination that is Obamacare, only to discover that you've landed in a country with universal health-care that gets similar health-care outcomes for a little over half as much money per person (EXCEL).

As any tea Partier knows, this is qualitatively similar to working 20 hour days in a North Korean coal mine for a few grains of rice and maybe a scrap of greasy rat-meat.  

Anyway, guys, we're all wishing you a safe journey!

Joshua Holland is Senior Digital Producer at BillMoyers.com, and host of Politics and Reality Radio. He's the author of The 15 Biggest Lies About the Economy. Drop him an email or follow him on Twitter

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