Books

Don't Pressure Her to Orgasm — and Other Sensible Sex Tips

Feeling pressured to have an orgasm works against everything that orgasms are about.

Photo Credit: Piotr Marcinski / Shutterstock.com

The following is an excerpt from the new book The Energies of Love by Donna Eden & David Feinstein (TarcherPerigee, 2016): 

With a dozen women’s magazines at the checkout counters giving sexual advice on any given day, we feel a bit squeamish about offering the following little gems, but some basics are not obvious to everyone and they do make a difference. These are a few brief tips from hundreds that could be mentioned, selected because they are so important to understand and because they have immediate benefits for your personal and shared sexual energies.

Don’t Make Her Orgasm Another Job for Her

As the culture turned a valuing eye on a woman’s sexual pleasure, an extra premium was placed on her orgasm. This may, paradoxically, have become a formidable obstacle to her pleasure. The energies of sex are, at their best, a full-bodied unscripted experience, and feeling pressured to have an orgasm works against everything that orgasms are about. As Alison Armstrong put it, “Men could have more sex if they would let women have fewer orgasms.”[i] Because his partner’s orgasms have become a source of validation for a man, “he will keep you up all night until you get this ‘treasured result.’ It leads to women faking it just so they can get some sleep.” The pressure for a woman to have an orgasm makes sex a job. The underlying lesson for a man is to understand that women want far more to feel swept away romantically and sexually than to get that orgasm. Ask your partner which she would choose: having an orgasm every time or feeling loved, adored, and precious every time.

Don’t Let the Tabloids Define Your Satisfaction with Your Sex Life

Just as the culture’s valuing of a woman’s sexual pleasure inadvertently turned having an orgasm into an expectation and a job, widespread media discussion of “good sex,” “great sex,” “making her scream,” and “driving him wild” can cause us to negatively compare our sex lives with what everyone else seems to be doing or at least is expected to be doing. Holding expectations that are not based in the reality of who you are and who your partner is, of what you need, and of what you really want is a powerful way of draining the energy and joy from your love life. Intimacy counselor and media columnist Mary Jo Rapini closes an article titled “5 Ways to Keep the Sparks Flying in Your Marriage” with fair warning about this issue:

Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, sex, whether it is hot or not, is the opinion of the couple. Many couples have sex once a month in the same position and love it! Others feel unloved if it isn’t every day. . . . You don’t need to swing from a chandelier to be happy.[ii]

If you and your partner are both satisfied with your sex life and have persuasively conveyed that to one another, that is enough. When either of you feels it is time to amp it up or spice it up or give it more time and attention or change patterns that have developed, the need for new talk or new action has entered your interpersonal field.

There’s a Place for “Quickies”

John Gray points out that a woman is generally open to occasional “quickie sex” when she feels emotionally supported in the relationship and knows that at other times she will experience regular healthy “home-cooked sex” and occasional “gourmet sex.”[iii] Your own energies and your partner’s energies not only fluctuate within each of you, but they meet in a thousand different ways. Sex also has its seasons. You are likely to go through dry spells as well as periods of increased passion. Sex has many paces. Let the energies of the relationship influence the sexual experience you invent each time rather than relying on familiar patterns. Although there is comfort and value in familiar or habitual ways of having sex, they do not necessarily propel you to encounter one another at the deepest levels.

Soft Touch; Hard Touch

While sexual energies move through the body spontaneously, partners can direct and intensify their flow through touch. Most people, however, assume their partner likes to be touched the way they themselves like to be touched. While this may sometimes be true, physiological differences between men and women make it less likely. Men have tougher skin; a woman’s skin has more sensitivity. Many men like deep, firm strokes while many women like a feather touch. Find out what your partner likes. Know that this may also change depending on the area of the skin, the level of arousal, and simply his or her mood at the moment. So develop simple verbal and nonverbal cues that help you to know if you are delivering what your partner desires and to help you let your partner know what you desire about this many-splendored thing called touch.

[i] Armstrong, “The Secret to Great Sex.”

[ii] Mary Jo Rapini, “5 Ways to Keep the Sparks Flying in Your Marriage,” 2013, //www.yourtango.com/experts/mary-jo-rapini/married-sex-nothing-bori....

[iii] John Gray, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion (New York: HarperTorch, 2001), 245.

 

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